Never Again
by N.Q. Wilder
Summary: Sequel to "All Things Pass" and "Sub Specie Aeternitatis," and the final part of the trilogy. A story of loss, promises, and love.
1. Prologue

**I wish I could write a really dignified author's note for the opening chapter of this story, but for some reason I can never bring myself to be restrained in any kind of preface. Writing the continuation of Shepard's story felt remarkably good, like slipping into a set of comfortable clothes after wearing a suit all day. It is amazing how different I felt writing this story than writing a story like "After." Don't get me wrong, I love "After" for what it is, but it cannot compare to how I feel about this story. At times, writing "After" gets too sweet, too sugary for me. I revel in the drama and angst of a story; the bittersweet is firmly in my comfort zone. And this story is full of bittersweet moments, just like the Mass Effect series. But unlike Bioware, I will honor the promise that I have made to you throughout these stories. While I love melodrama, my stories (in honor of the games) have always held an element of hope and optimism. Some authors do not make this promise and therefore reserve the right to delve into the darkest depths. That is a writer's decision (and is not wrong), but if the promise is ever made (through the writing and themes) that good will ultimately prevail over evil, that the hero will live, etc., then it is a crime (in my opinion) for the writer to break that promise. Even before I started "After" I made the promise to you (through my style and themes) that Shepard will be rewarded for her pain. This story, in general, deals a lot with promises and the importance of keeping them. So, remember, no matter how dark the story may get, there will always be hope.**

**If you are a newcomer to these stories, I normally say that it is not necessary to have read the past stories in order to understand this one (and I believe that remains true) but I would urge you to read the other two anyway. This story is part of a trilogy, and it can stand alone, but it stands even higher next to its predecessors. This story is (in my opinion) better than either before it because it builds upon those two. But all three are really part of the same story and I would not recommend starting somewhere half-way through.**

**One last announcement and then I'll let you get to the story. I was asked to do an interview about these stories, along with two other authors, for a radio show. Naturally, I was surprised to be offered this invitation, since there are no doubt better known authors than me. Still, it was flattering to be asked and I decided to accept. So, if you have always been curious what I sound like, feel free to listen; it happens May 3rd at 9pm EST (a link is posted in my profile and you should be able to listen to it after the fact as well). Hopefully, it will not be one of those instances where hearing my voice will shatter all the preconceived notions about me that you undoubtedly held dear to your heart. I will warn you ahead of time, however, that if you imagined that I am a man with a dashing British accent, then you will be sorely disappointed; I am deeply sorry.**

**See? I told you I couldn't write a dignified author's note.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Prologue**

"Are you sure that you do not want me to come with you?" Liara asked again, for what seemed like the hundredth time, as she broke the kiss.

Shepard's hands cupped the asari's face, their foreheads touching, and she could feel the heat off of Liara's flushed skin from the intensity of the kiss. Sighing, she said, "Of course I'm not sure, Liara. If I had my way, I'd still be back in bed with you in my arms." Her lips twitched up into a roguish grin. "And I'd make sure you were too busy to even think about leaving." That got a small chuckle out of Liara, and Shepard stroked the other woman's cheek with the pad of her thumb. For a second she just savored the look of Liara, happy and safe. Then, she turned her voice steely and said, "But the Reapers are coming, and I need humanity behind us. If letting the Alliance parade me around in chains means that they will listen to a word that I have to say, then that's the price I have to pay. Anderson says that he's convinced the defense council to talk to me. It's not much, but... it is something. But I don't know how long it will take to convince them, and as long as I'm in their custody, you won't be able to help me. It's killing me that I have to suffer this farce. I will feel better knowing that at least you are doing something, Liara. Gather information, find us allies, prepare."

Liara's arms were wrapped around Shepard's waist and she tightened her grip, drawing the commander into an embrace. She rested her head on Shepard's shoulder, taking one deep, steadying breath. "I know," she whispered. "I know. But knowing does not make it any easier. Anderson said that you will not be able to contact anyone. What if something happens to you? What if something happens and I am not there to..."

Rubbing Liara's back, Shepard answered, "Nothing will happen, Liara. I promised I would always come back to you, and I will. It will just be a little bit of time apart, that's all. And you have work to keep you busy; it will seem like no time at all. You'll see."

"I wish I could believe that," Liara murmured softly.

_Me too_, Shepard thought. Breaking the embrace, she tried to smother the doubts clawing away inside of her. If she didn't send Liara away now, she knew she would lose her resolve. They stood in the cargo bay by the shuttle that would drop Liara back off at the Shadow Broker's ship. A crewman was waiting patiently in the cockpit and so far had not objected to being kept waiting, but there were other matters to see to before Shepard handed herself over to the Alliance.

"You should get on the shuttle," she said, trying to sound more confident than she felt.

Liara nodded and turned, reaching for the handle by the shuttle door and pulling herself up into the vehicle. She looked down at Shepard as if she wanted to jump right out again. When the commander held up her hand in one last farewell, Liara gripped her hand and pulled her towards the lip of the shuttle while crouching down so that they would be on level. She kissed Shepard fiercely, twisting her hands into the woman's black hair and undoing her tight bun. When she pulled apart again, rising to her feet, Shepard's hair fell down her shoulders in soft curls. She gaped in disbelief, but Liara just smiled.

Tossing the hair-tie back to the commander, she said, "I wanted to see your hair down one more time before I left." She stepped back as the shuttle door began to close.

Returning the smile, Shepard called out, "I love you sub specie aeternitatis, Dr. T'soni!"

"For eternity," Liara agreed, continuing to smile as the shuttle door closed completely.

Once the shuttle had left, Shepard stepped into the elevator and retied her hair on the ride up. Just as she was setting the bun into place, Miranda stepped into the elevator as it passed the third deck.

"Ah, Commander," she greeted. "I assume you've just finished seeing Dr. T'soni off. Is it still your intention to go to Omega and have everyone disembark there?"

"Yes. Is everyone prepared to leave?"

"I've made sure that all necessary arrangements have been made. All the Cerberus crewmen know to lay low from both the Alliance and Cerberus. The alien crewmembers have all made their various arrangements as well."

"Good. I'll ask Joker for an ETA when I get to the bridge."

Miranda was quiet for a few seconds before venturing, "Shepard, some of the crew has expressed concern over leaving the Normandy. They can't help but feel as if they are abandoning you."

Giving Miranda a sidelong glance, Shepard said, "Do you share these concerns?"

The ex-Cerberus operative averted her eyes. "We went on a suicide mission to the collector base with you. You helped all of us in some way and brought us back alive. None of us would hesitate to fight for you."

The elevator doors slid open and both women stepped out onto the CIC. Shepard laid a hand on Miranda's shoulder and gave an encouraging smile. "I understand, Miranda, and I appreciate the sentiment. But this is something I have to do alone, and having the crew taken prisoner by the Alliance won't help anyone. You've already helped me so much; I have the data you helped me compile about the collectors and the Reapers. If I can't convince them using that data, well then, they won't be convinced until the Reapers are knocking at our door. Having you locked up with me won't help that. Lay low, Miranda. Watch out for Oriana and gather resources to fight the Reapers if you can. Just stay safe."

Miranda's blue eyes searched the commander's face for a minute, as if looking for more answers. Then she stuck out her hand and said, "It's been an honor working with you, Commander."

Gripping her XO's hand, Shepard replied, "Likewise, Miranda. And thank you, for giving me a second chance."

At that, Miranda chuckled and said, "Shepard, you're the only hope any of us have for any more second chances."

After parting with Miranda, Shepard made her way to the bridge where Joker sat in his usual seat, EDI's glowing, blue orb his constant companion. Standing by his shoulder, she said, "Once the shuttle gets back, set a course for Omega. Can you give me an ETA?"

Joker's fingers danced over the keyboards of various control panels, and monitors flashed to life and vanished all in an instant. "It's a direct jump to Omega, so we're looking at an hour. I can give an announcement when we are fifteen minutes out."

Shepard hesitated for a moment, then said, "Joker, you don't have to hand yourself over with me. You can lay low like everyone else." She'd given the Cerberus crew and her other companions no choice about leaving. She would not reward their sacrifices and their trust with imprisonment. But Joker and Chakwas had been special cases. Both were former Alliance and if they wanted to offer themselves to Alliance justice... Shepard couldn't forbid them from doing the exact same thing she was. Still, she could try to dissuade them. "It's just me they want," she insisted.

"And the Normandy," Joker said. "They want the Normandy too. And this is my home. You and the Normandy are my home."

"Joker..."

He shook his head. "No, Shepard. It's true. I belong here. I'm meant to be sitting right here, flying you to that final battle and then pulling your ass out of the fire after. I'm not leaving the Normandy."

"You know they won't let you fly her to Earth. They'll ground you."

"I know, but I also know we'll take her back eventually. And when we do, I'll be ready."

~.~.~.~.~

On Omega, Shepard made sure to see every crew member off, shaking their hands and thanking them for their service. She watched them disperse, some heading for another docking bay and others melting into the crowds of Omega, and wondered if they would be safe from the Illusive Man. He would target Miranda and Jacob no doubt, but he might ignore the miscellaneous crewmembers who had simply followed orders and completed the mission. Then again, he wasn't above vengeance and dealing with loose ends. Either way, it was out of her hands now.

After the Cerberus crew came her squad, and she made sure to speak with each of them more personally. Many would take her warning to stay low to heart, some even disappearing off the map like Kasumi. They would return to their own lives and their own goals. Zaeed would charge back into mercenary work, Samara wandering back to asari space, Legion returning to the geth, Mordin to Sur'kesh, Jack causing trouble for someone, Grunt to join Wrex on Tuchunka, and Thane melting into the shadows. For them, the battle was over, and Shepard couldn't blame them. Without a commander to hold them all together, they had lives to attend to.

Yet, two of them were in the fight for the long run - the two who had never abandoned her. Tali and Garrus were the last to leave. Shepard hugged them and said, "You both have copies of the data we compiled?" Shepard had made sure that all three of them carried a copy of the same data to show to their respective governments. If any one of them could get people to listen, it would be a victory.

"Yes," Tali said. "I'll make the admirals listen, Shepard."

"And I'll shout so loudly that eventually someone will have to pay attention," Garrus added. "I'll do whatever it takes to convince the hierarchy. You just take care of yourself, Shepard."

"I will," she promised. "I don't know what our next move will be, but when it happens we'll hit the ground running."

"And then it's back into hell to stick it to the Reapers," Garrus chuckled.

"Commander," Joker's voice called over the radio urgently, "An Alliance vessel has just docked. Anderson is here."

"Got it," she said. Then to her friends, "Time's up. Let's hope this all goes as planned."

"We'll keep an eye on what's happening on Earth," Tali said. "If it looks like they aren't listening to you and you need us..."

"We'll be there," Garrus finished.

"Thanks," Shepard said, trying to give a confident smile. After hugging them both one more time, she watched her friends melt into the crowd and disappear. Standing out on the docking bay, Shepard waited stiffly for Anderson. She'd heard that he had given up the councilor position, a mistake she thought, but she was glad it was him coming to arrest her rather than someone else. She had decided to wear civilian attire: long, gray pants and a black shirt, simple but with an air of professionalism. Her goal was to be as nondescript as possible.

She waited, as still as a statue, arms behind her back in a parade rest, watching. She saw him emerge from the crowd, clad in his dress blues and tailed by six soldiers all in armor and with assault rifles ready. He stopped in front of her and the soldiers fanned out to flank her on either side, rifles pointed straight at her. Shepard pretended not to see them, choosing to stare at Anderson instead.

After a minute of tense silence, Anderson shook his head and smiled. "You're a sight for sore eyes, Shepard."

Visibly relaxing, Shepard replied, "I could say the same about you, Admiral."

"Anderson," he corrected. "Save that formal stuff for Hackett and the defense council." Nodding his head in the direction of the soldiers with him he said, "Sorry about the welcome party. Protocol." Then, gesturing to the solider standing to his right, he added, "This is Lieutenant James Vega."

As the soldier straightened and lowered his weapon, Shepard saw just how big the man was. A wide chest, thick shoulders and arms, he looked like a krogan in human form. He snapped to attention and saluted her. "It's an honor to meet you, Ma'am," he said.

She returned the salute without really thinking about it, the reflex drilled into her.

"James will be your personal bodyguard, Shepard," Anderson explained. "He's a good man and someone I think you will get along with."

"Do I really need a bodyguard?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Anderson shrugged. "It's as much for the Alliance's security as yours. Some of this I have to do by the book. I already got hell over insisting that you be allowed to stay aboard the Normandy." Then, looking past her at the ship he asked, "Is there anyone left aboard?"

"Only Joker and Dr. Chakwas," she answered evenly.

Anderson nodded. "Good. I knew you'd look out for your crew. That will make things much easier. Well, easier for me at least." Addressing the soldiers he said, "Secure the ship and the two other prisoners. But if you harm either of them I will have your heads. Now go." They all hustled past Shepard to the portside door and filed into the Normandy, except for Lt. Vega who remained by Anderson's side. "Lieutenant, I'm already sure that you'll find nothing, but go ahead and search Commander Shepard for any weapons."

Holstering his rifle, the big man approached the commander and performed a quick frisk, finding nothing just as Anderson had suspected. He seemed almost apologetic as he patted her down, and in return Shepard spared him a small smile so that he would know that she didn't take it personally.

Once a soldier reappeared to confirm that the ship was secure, Anderson led James and Shepard aboard and to the CIC. Joker and Chakwas stood with three soldiers guarding them, though the soldiers were trying hard to appear as none threatening as possible. Anderson greeted both Joker and Chakwas warmly before turning back to business.

"In accordance with Alliance protocol, I'm placing all three of you under arrest until we reach Earth where you'll be handed over to Alliance justice. I will keep you aboard the Normandy for the voyage, but I must confine you to one area of the ship with no outside contact. Any preferences?"

"The starboard side observation deck has no terminals, and a bar," Shepard pointed out.

Grinning, Anderson nodded and said, "The starboard side deck it is then. Lt. Vega, please escort them there."

James obeyed, leading (or rather walking along as Shepard led) the three prisoners down to the starboard observation deck. Once there, he took up a position by the door, though he did not seem as if he suspected they would try to escape. Joker eased himself down onto the nearest couch and Shepard picked a seat opposite from him. Dr. Chakwas headed straight to the bar and gathered four glasses, saying, "What will everyone be having?"

Smirking, Joker answered, "I didn't know you were a bartender _and_ a doctor. Is that even safe?"

"I am a woman of many talents."

Shepard draped her arm over the back of her chair and adopted an easy smile, even though inside her anxiety was running amok. "What's the house specialty, barkeep?"

"Ryncol," she dead-panned while checking the liquor cabinet. "But I don't see it here. I guess my next best drink would be anything with Earth liquor. I'm not so good with alien drinks."

"Well, I'm a vodka girl myself," Shepard said. "Put vodka in something and I'll drink it."

"And you, Jeff?" Chakwas asked.

"I'm more of a beer drinker. I don't know much about mixed drinks. I guess give me whatever you give Shepard."

Turning her attention to James, the doctor asked, "And what would you like, Lt. Vega?"

It was odd to see such a big man blush. "You don't have to pretend to be nice to me," he said. "I'm sure you don't really want to make one of your captors a drink."

Chakwas just shrugged. "Nonsense. You're just doing your job. No reason we can't be friendly."

He smiled and the expression immediately softened him in Shepard's eyes. "Well, I wouldn't mind something with tequila in it. If you have it."

"I think I can manage that."

As Chakwas prepared the drinks, Shepard studied the lieutenant before asking, "So, James, how did you get the honor of babysitting us?"

"Anderson asked me to," he replied, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. "I was already on Omega when he came calling."

As Chakwas walked by she handed Shepard a glass with a pink liquid in it and then delivered a glass to Joker and James. Shepard murmured her thanks and took a sip, noting that the doctor had not been stingy with her liquor serving. The commander also recognized the juice she'd used as a mixer; an asari juice, the closest thing Shepard could compare the taste to was blackberries, but it was also oddly citric so that it resembled orange juice as well. Liara liked it, which was why they carried it on the ship. The thought of Liara sent a pang of longing through Shepard's head. Smothering the feeling, she said, "You must have an impressive service record if Anderson sought you out." She watched James shrug and avert his eyes at that. She considered him over the rim of her glass as she took another sip and then added, "But an Alliance soldier hanging out on Omega is odd. You must have been on shore leave. Which begs the question: why would you give up your shore leave to play bodyguard?"

Joker leaned forward, suddenly interested. James tried to hide his discomfort by taking a gulp from his glass, but he must have underestimated the strength of the drink because it sent a shudder down his spine and he cringed. "I didn't want to accept at first," he admitted, "but Anderson was insistent and... when he told me who we would be escorting..."

Just as she'd suspected. James was obviously young, early twenties probably, and the young ones were all the same. "And you wanted to see the famous Commander Shepard," she finished for him. She wondered if he was the type of man who would later brag to his friends that he had held Commander Shepard prisoner.

"How come no one ever comes to see the best pilot in the galaxy?" Joker complained, grimacing as he took another drink.

An awkward silence fell over them all for a few minutes until James said, "Commander, I was hoping... I thought maybe you would tell me about The Blitz. About how you saved Elysium."

"No," was her curt reply.

Taken aback, he stumbled, "I-I thought you would be proud of The Blitz. You were the youngest person ever to receive the Star of Terra..."

"The youngest _living_ person," she corrected. "Sixteen young men and women, not even soldiers yet, gave their lives that day. They also received the Star of Terra for their bravery. But no one ever talks about them." _I don't even know their names_, Shepard thought to herself. But she remembered the faces.

"Come to think of it," Joker said, "I don't think I've ever heard you talk about The Blitz."

"Nor will you," she muttered back. "I don't ever talk about it." A lie. She did talk about it, but only once a year, and today was not that day.

The others took the hint and the talk eventually turned to more amiably things. Shepard decided that she liked James; he was straight-forward and sincere like her brothers had been. In fact, he reminded her a lot of David in both personality and appearance. He did like to flirt though, but it seemed like just harmless play. He carried a pack of cards with him, and they spent the journey learning a game from James' childhood; a welcome distraction from what lay ahead.

~.~.~.~.~

_3 Months Later..._

Liara dreamed of Shepard. In her dreams the commander was back in her arms, kissing her, caressing her, embracing her... She felt the heat of Shepard's body pressed closely against hers, the softness of her skin and strength of her muscles. She smelled the conditioner in her hair as she buried her face in Shepard's dark tresses, and under that the scent that was distinctly the commander's. It made Liara think of warmth, of a pool of clean water in the sun. She could taste Shepard's lips, her neck, the side of her face. It made her hunger for more and she longed to completely intertwine herself with the commander. To feel every inch of her body, to fill her senses with the woman she loved, to feel the brush of her mind. And then she could hear her. A mirthful laugh, a soft moan in her ear, and suddenly Shepard was calling out her name.

"Liara!"

She bolted upright in her bed, drenched in a cold sweat and surrounded by darkness. Panting heavily, Liara's blue eyes darted about as she gathered her thoughts. All she could feel was an overwhelming sense of loss, as if a part of her had been ripped away. Her left hand quested over the empty space next to her, feeling only coldness where there should have been warmth. _A dream_, she realized. _It was just a dream_.

Putting a hand to her forehead, Liara tried to banish the remnants of the dream from her mind. It was torture, having those sorts of dreams about Shepard only to wake up alone and knowing that the woman she loved was a billion light years away. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she wondered if Shepard dreamed of her too.

Glancing at the clock by her bedside, she saw that she had only managed to get three hours of sleep. Yet, there was no way she would be able to get back to sleep now, she knew. With a sigh, she rose and got dressed before heading to the Broker's office. The terminals all glowed since they were never turned off, and Liara checked to see if anything had happened while she slept. As she checked her email, she noticed a message from Admiral Hackett. Her heart nearly leaped into her throat; her initial instinct was that it must be about Shepard. But when she read it she realized that he had no new information on the commander. Instead, he said that he had started charging scientists at the Mars archives to start gathering all data on the protheans and begin looking for anything related to the Reapers. _A sound strategy_, Liara thought as she scrolled through the message. At the end of the email he extended an invitation for Liara to come head the hunt for information given her expertise in prothean studies.

Sitting back in her chair, Liara mulled over the decision. Admiral Hackett certainly had the right idea by looking into what the protheans had to say about the Reapers, but there was no guarantee that anything useful would be found on Mars. It was just one planet and as the Broker, Liara had access to the entire galaxy at her finger tips. She would be closer to Shepard on Mars though. Only a fraction of a light year away as opposed to several billion. Shaking her head, she told herself that she couldn't base her decision off of something like that. As the Broker she could use her resources to scour the galaxy for clues. Mars was tempting, but as long as she had the Broker base she had to keep digging through all of the information that she could find.

Just as she was about to reply to Hackett's email, the ship's alarms began ringing. Bringing up the radar and security systems, Liara saw unidentified ships approaching the base.

In the same instant, Feron's voice came over the radio. "Liara! It's Cerberus! They've found us!"

"I know," she answered, studying the security information flooding onto her terminal. Maybe she would have to take Admiral Hackett's offer after all.

~.~.~.~.~

A yawn cracked Shepard's jaw as she tried to focus on the datapad in her hand. Her sleep had been far from restful the last few weeks and her brain felt fuzzy even at the best of times. She couldn't decide what was worse: the nightmares from the prothean beacon that had returned with a vengeance or the dreams of Liara. The Reaper dreams filled her with fear and dread, mingling with her own memories to become demons that tormented her in both her sleeping and waking hours. But the dreams of Liara were almost as bad because they tricked her into relaxing. At best, she awoke needing a cold shower. At worst, she was lured into a state of vulnerability which made it all the more painful when the dream changed into a horror of blood and death, courtesy of the Reapers. She'd had to watch Liara die a dozen different ways already. Each time she awoke feeling hollow and on the verge of tears.

Shepard wondered how much more torment her psyche could handle. She needed her wits about her at the moment with the defense council evading her pleas at every turn. Her last hearing with them was in just a few minutes; her last chance to try to convince them of the Reaper invasion. She prayed Garrus and Tali were having better luck with their governments than she was having with hers.

When they finally called her to stand before them again, she opened the way she always did: asking if they had taken a look at the evidence she had collected for them. All the data she had gathered on the collectors over the past half a year and any other data that her crew could piece together.

They responded the way that they always did: by telling her that the evidence wasn't enough.

"Reapers either kill everyone or turn people into husks," Shepard pointed out. "They don't leave a lot of evidence behind. But you have the data from the Reaper the collectors were building. You have to admit that those readings aren't normal."

One of the committee members, a woman with graying hair and a heavily wrinkled face, said, "That data is alarming, Commander, but it isn't proof of the Reapers."

"Besides," one of the men cut in, "we have listened to your warnings and increased our perimeter defenses. If anyone tries to invade the Sol System, we will be ready."

Grinding her teeth, Shepard said, "That's not good enough. We can't stand up to the Reapers alone. I asked you to make alliances with the other races. I asked you to gather supplies and find shelters for the civilians. I asked you to look into ways to beat them! Putting more ships on the perimeter won't stop the Reapers. In fact, you've just lined our ships up better for them to be destroyed!"

The chairman, a balding man with a weathered face, gave her a fierce scowl. "You're not in a position to be making demands. The batarians are calling for your head after what you did in the Bahak System. The only reason you're still alive is because of our protection."

Shepard had to bite back a scathing retort. _He's bringing up the batarians to rile me_, she reminded herself. _He wants me to get angry. If I look out of control, they can discredit everything I've said._ Some part of them believed her about the Reapers, she knew. The trick was getting them to realize that too.

"If you're not going to listen to what I have to say, then you might as well hand me over to them," she said, keeping her voice strictly even. "I may have as good a chance of convincing them of the truth as I have of convincing you."

The chairman's face went nearly purple from rage, but he chose not to reply to her comment. Instead he said, "Is there anything else you want to say on this matter before we close the hearing on it?"

Shepard went down the line, staring each of them in the eye. "At eighteen years old I gave my life to the Alliance. I swore to protect every human in the galaxy. I swore to serve loyally. I swore to lay down my life if it was necessary to save others. I fought on alien planets and I watched friends die. I held the line on Elysium after countless waves of batarians killed my commanding officer and fellow soldiers. I became the first human spectre and stopped Saren from handing the Citadel over to the Reapers. I stopped the abduction of human colonies. And I _will_ fight the Reapers. But I can't stop them without help. So I am begging you: please serve and protect humanity. Make the sacrifices of countless soldiers worth something. Help me ensure that there is a humanity left to save."

They stared back at her with faces like stone. One or two had the decency to avert their eyes after a moment, but the rest showed no signs that her words had affected them. After a minute of silence, the chairman said, "That will conclude our hearing on the Reapers. Now, before we dismiss you, Shepard, we will ask again: do you still deny knowing the whereabouts of the Cerberus crew that served with you aboard the Normandy?"

Shepard was sure that the look on her face was full of murder, but she said nothing. Clasping her arms behind her back, she settled into a parade rest and steeled herself to remain silent.

The gray haired woman spoke up again. "Shepard, we will be handing you over to the justice committee soon and they will be preparing evidence for your trial. It would no doubt help to show cooperation."

"Harboring known terrorists is a charge itself," the chairman added.

Shepard remained silent.


	2. The Days That Are No More

**Two quick things. First, I feel I should mention that like the other two stories, this will not be a novelization of the game. I have no desire to rewrite the entire game or give Shepard's reaction to everything that happens. I have selected moments from the game that I wanted to expand upon or slightly alter. Other sections do not appear in game, and are original scenes that I fit within the framework of the game. Each new section will follow chronologically and I will try to never jump too far ahead, but different parts will vary in length and detail.**

**The second thing is that I'd like to thank anyone who listened in on the radio show. If you missed it and want to listen, you can follow the link in my profile and download the audio. Also, as always, I keep an open door policy, so if you have questions or comments, then feel free to contact me.**

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**The Days That Are No More**

"Are you telling me that you have no idea what Cerberus is doing here?" Ashley demanded.

As the lift shuddered and began to raise, the marine stalked towards the commander. Her body language screamed an accusation and Shepard found herself suddenly tired. The dog tags that Anderson had thrown to her back on Earth hung heavy around her neck. She finally had what she had wanted, she was part of the Alliance again and her identity restored. And yet somehow she still felt like an outsider.

"Why would I know what Cerberus' plans are?" she asked.

"Because you worked for them," Ashley spat back.

"I _never_ worked for them," Shepard growled, her voice low and dangerous. "I used them, turned their people against them, and stole their resources. The Illusive Man and I aren't exactly having nightly video chats about his plans and gossiping about who we think is the cutest."

"Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since she turned herself over to the Alliance," James put in. "There's no way that she could have communicated with them."

A sudden hiss of oxygen flooding the shaft announced that the life support systems of the base had kicked in, and Shepard removed her helmet, wiping the sweat from her brow. She flashed James an appreciative smile for his help and then turned her attention back to Ashley who had also removed her helmet. She looked different with her hair down - younger, yet strangely more severe. In many ways she was the woman that Shepard had served with nearly three years ago (though it didn't feel like that long to Shepard), but she was more guarded now than she had been back then. Ashley didn't trust her, and now they both felt betrayed.

"You can't say that you never worked for them, Shepard," Ashley said. "They brought you back. They rebuilt you. You owed them your life. Hell, how can I even be sure you're the same person? They could have changed you and you would never know."

Those words cut straight to Shepard's own fears, and once they would have filled her with crippling doubt. But Liara knew her better than anyone, and if she insisted that Shepard was the same person, then she was inclined to believe that. But there was no way to convince Ashley of that, and Shepard had grown tired of the conversation. Her thoughts were distracted as it was with the knowledge that Liara was somewhere in the base. How and why were unimportant details at the moment. The important thing was that Shepard found Liara and made sure that she was safe.

So Shepard said the only thing that she knew Ashley might listen to. "To dying ears, when unto dying eyes the casement slowly grows a glimmering square; so sad, so strange, the days that are no more."

The anger on the marine's face melted in a heartbeat, and she gaped at Shepard as if seeing her for the first time. As the lift neared its destination, Ashley said, "Who was that?"

"Tennyson," Shepard answered. "I memorized one of his poems just before the collector attack on the Normandy. I was going to surprise you."

Ashley didn't say anything else as the lift came to a stop inside the shuttle garage. The three soldiers fanned out to check for enemies, guns raised and ears strained to pick up any noise. Just as Shepard decided it would be safe to declare the area secure, a sudden rattling noise echoed throughout the garage. She looked at James, who shrugged in confusion. The noise continued to grow louder and Shepard thought she heard bullets striking metal as well.

Ashley pointed her rifle towards the ceiling and said, "It's coming from that air vent. Look, it's shaking."

Shepard and James aimed their guns towards the vent as well. Whatever was inside the airway was moving towards the grated opening at the end and would spill out right in front of them. _It has to be Cerberus_, Shepard thought. But why would the operatives go crawling around in the vents?

The commander was shocked when Liara emerged from the narrow passageway instead. She could hardly believe her eyes as the asari landed on the ground and immediately threw a singularity at the two Cerberus troops chasing her before taking out her heavy pistol and shooting them. Shepard recognized the pistol instantly as the one she had made custom for Liara.

Liara seemed equally surprised to see the commander as she turned to face them, her blue eyes wide. Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard saw James train his gun on Liara, no doubt expecting an attack. She put a hand on his arm and said, "She's with us." Then, shoving her helmet into his hands, she headed towards Liara, her pace quickening with every step. Liara rushed forward to meet her as well, and both holstered their weapons as they moved.

Reaching her, Shepard cupped Liara's face in her hands and drew her immediately into a kiss. Liara's arms wrapped around Shepard's waist tightly, as if afraid that if she let go Shepard would melt into the air. For as long as the kiss lasted Shepard forgot about Cerberus, about the mission, about the Reapers. All that existed in that moment was Liara, and the feel of her was intoxicating. The feel of her skin pressed against the palms of Shepard's hands, the feel of her soft lips, the feel of her arms encircling the commander's waist.

"When the hell did _this_ happen?!" came a sudden voice that jarred Shepard out of her trance. Reluctantly she pulled away from Liara as Ashley and James approached. Ashley looked downright shocked and James just grinned like a fox in a hen house. Shepard realized that Ashley still had no idea about her and Liara's relationship since they had kept it a secret in the beginning. "Seriously, were you two together the whole time we were fighting Saren?" Ashley exclaimed. "I'm no genius, but I think I would have noticed _something_."

Shepard and Liara exchanged a glance before Shepard said, "We were only together towards the end. We didn't tell anyone because it is against regs."

"No kidding," Ashley scoffed. "Making out with one of your squad mates during a mission isn't exactly protocol."

"I dunno," James replied with a grin. "It sure raised my morale."

Shepard blushed, but Liara seemed to bristle at Ashley's comment. "It has been a long time since I last saw you, Ashley. I think the last time was at Shepard's funeral. I had begun to think that you had forgotten about the rest of us."

It was Ashley's turn to blush. Hoping to diffuse the situation, Shepard changed the topic. "We just escaped Earth, Liara. Hackett told me that you were here researching a way to stop the Reapers."

"Yes, we were watching the reports of the attack. I was so worried... But yes, I found something. We have to hurry though; Cerberus knows about it too."

~.~.~.~.~

The sound was the worst part. The screeching of steel armor against the steel remains of the shuttle, and the sickening thud of a human body being crushed by impact. Without the sound, Shepard might have believed that Ashley's shields and barriers could protect her, but the noise told her that Ashley was being shaken inside her armor like dice in a cup.

As she raised her gun and fired on Dr. Eva, the scene of what had happened replayed through her head. She saw Ashley helping Liara limp away from the crash and then turning as the Cerberus operative emerged from the fiery vehicle. She had pushed Liara behind her and stood between the asari and the clearly not human monster. But the creature was fast. Before Shepard could draw her pistol it already had Ashley in its grip.

By the time Shepard had filled it with holes, Ashley was lying in a heap, deathly still. The rest was instinct: slinging the body over her shoulder in a fireman's carry and hauling her friend back to the ship. As she ran to the med-bay she wondered how many friends and comrades she had carried like that before. How many people had died while she tried to find them medical help. Setting Ashley down on the examination table, Shepard tried to be gentle as she lowered the marine's head. She had no idea whether Ashley had a concussion or whether moving her just made things worse. She studied the mottled bruises already forming on her face, and how little her chest moved when she breathed.

Suddenly Liara was leaning over the table trying to get the commander's attention. "We need to go to the Citadel," she said loudly. "We can find help there."

The Citadel. Yes, it would have to be the Citadel. Without a doctor aboard, Ashley would die if they didn't get her to a hospital. Straightening and setting her face into a determined mask, Shepard said, "Joker, set a course for the Citadel immediately."

~.~.~.~.~

Stepping out of the shower and wrapping a towel around herself, Shepard felt the cold air form goose bumps on her bare skin. She studied herself briefly in the mirror, feeling a twinge of guilt at how normal she appeared. She'd seen Ashley at the hospital, her skin black and purple with red cuts ringing each bruise. The doctors said that she would be fine in time, and there was nothing Shepard could do in the meantime, but she still felt guilty leaving. Lately, it felt like all she had been doing since the Reapers arrived was run.

Out in the main cabin, Shepard examined the clothing selection provided by the Alliance. With a sigh, she realized that she would have to buy all new civilian clothes, again. She saw the typical Alliance fatigues, similar to what she had worn aboard the original Normandy. She also found a set of dress blues, which she brushed lightly with her fingertips. How long had it been since she had worn that sort of uniform?

Taking down the hanger, Shepard set the uniform on the bed and began to change. Her hands trembled as she buttoned up the blue jacket and smoothed the creases. It felt light without any medals pinned to the left breast or bars of rank on her shoulders. The uniform also hadn't been meant for her since it was obviously too large, meant for someone a bit taller and with broader shoulders, but it fit well enough. Shepard had half expected for it to feel like a second skin, like it once had, but instead it filled her with ambivalence.

She was back with the Alliance, true enough, but was it only in name? She fought for humanity, but she fought for everyone else as well. After so long she had what she wanted back: the rank, the support, the identity of a marine. But something was missing too. Who was she taking orders from? Admiral Hackett? She had trouble thinking of him as her superior rather than an ally. She was beholden to nobody now. If she wanted to take the Normandy and leave, just give up and hide away until the end of days, she could do that. No one could stop her. She didn't know if it was the Reapers that had destroyed the chain of command, or if she had truly become someone else. Someone completely separate from the Alliance.

The sound of the door opening snapped her out of her thoughts, and she turned to see Liara enter with a small bag slung over her shoulder. She smiled at the asari's approach and received a smile in return. Liara came down the steps and set the bag on the small table by the couch, saying, "EDI informed me that you had not eaten yet, so I decided to bring up some food."

Shepard realized that she was hungry, though the events of the day had kept her distracted from such mundane needs. She realized, too, that her heart needed to be satiated as well. When Liara turned to face her again, Shepard drew the asari into her arms and hugged her close, resting her head on Liara's shoulder. It felt so good to hold her again. It felt right.

"Goddess, I have missed you," Liara whispered, her lips brushing Shepard's ear.

"I told you that I would always come back, Liara." And Shepard had only broken one promise in her life. She prayed that she wouldn't have to break a second.

Pulling away, Liara gestured to the bag on the table and said, "Let us have something to eat and we can talk."

Sitting down on the couch, they each selected one of the pre-made meals that Liara had brought up from the kitchen. Suddenly, Shepard missed Gardner. He hadn't been the best cook, but his food had been better than MREs.

As they sat eating, Liara looked Shepard up and down and remarked, "You are wearing dress blues. I have not seen you wear that type of uniform since..." She thought about it for a moment and then said, "Since the council honored you after the battle with Sovereign."

Shrugging, Shepard said, "You know I always liked the dress blues. It's a shame most soldiers only wear them for celebrations. The brass wears them all the time, but that's probably to show off their medals."

"I like the way you look in the uniform," Liara replied with a smile. "You are one of the few people I know who actually seems more comfortable in formal attire."

They lapsed into silence again, each concentrating on their meal until Liara said, "How is Ashley doing?"

"The doctors say that she will be fine. But she won't be on her feet for a while. Maybe she'll be conscious again once this whole summit business is over with."

"Is she still angry with you?"

"I don't know if she's angry, but she doesn't trust me. I think she wants to trust me again though, and that's a start."

Liara's blue eyes studied Shepard's violet ones intensely. "Do you trust her?"

"I don't know," Shepard answered, and then sighed, shaking her head. "Which I guess means, no, I don't. She's betrayed me once and she could do it again. She stood there and called me a traitor, and quoted the council at me. She told me on Horizon that Cerberus might be using the Reapers to manipulate me. And I have no doubt that she knew what she was saying. She was quoting the council when they told me that Saren could be using the Reapers to manipulate me. I could understand her not wanting to go MIA, but that... spitting on everything we had been through together... that was too much."

"But you want to forgive her," Liara said quietly.

Shepard stirred the food around on her plate as she thought. "Yeah, I guess I do. I'm tired of losing friends."

Placing a hand on Shepard's knee, Liara added, "Shepard, I wanted to say that I am so sorry about what happened to Earth. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to leave."

Shepard set down her plate on the table and leaned back into the couch cushions. "It's not like it was my home," she reasoned, trying to rationalize away her own hurt. "Not really. I was born on Mindoir and had never been to Earth before it was attacked. Why should one planet be more important to me than any other?"

Liara also set down her plate and scooted closer to the commander. "But it was important to you," she pointed out. "I remember when we went to Earth's moon to shut down that rogue AI. I remember how you looked up at Earth. You said it was the first time you had ever seen it in person, and I knew by the look on your face that you loved Earth. I could see how much you loved humanity."

For a moment the memory of seeing Earth from the moon swam to the forefront of Shepard's mind. She could see it, a perfect sphere all blue with swirls of white and patches of green. She'd seen one of the continents and recognized it from her textbooks in school: Asia. She'd been unable to tear her eyes away from it; it was so beautiful. Then the image shifted to how the Earth had looked as the Normandy made its escape from the Reapers. There was still blue, but fiery red sores had covered its surface. It looked more black and crimson than anything else. The last image she had of her home world was of it dying.

"We'll take it back," Shepard said, trying to sound confident.

"We will," Liara agreed. Shepard shifted so that she could put an arm around Liara's shoulder, and the asari snuggled closer to the commander, placing her head on Shepard's chest. She interlaced her blue fingers with Shepard's hand, and for a while they just sat there, content with being reunited. The commander yawned, feeling the fatigue from such a long day. She hadn't slept since the escape from Earth and in that time she had fought Cerberus on Mars, flown to the Citadel, met with the council, and been told to rescue the primarch from Palaven. Trying to fight off sleep, she made a mental note to find Garrus, and send Tali a message to inform her that they were safe.

Her eyes felt heavy and she closed them, feeling the hand of sleep tugging at her mind. She wanted to stay awake, to be with Liara for just a few minutes longer. Her dreams were full of terror now, a place she dreaded being. She wondered if Liara's presence would be enough to ward off the nightmares. The thought echoed off the walls of her mind as she surrendered to her exhaustion.


	3. Light and Dark

**A quick word about this chapter. While I liked the incorporation of Shepard's dreams in ME3, since that was something brought up in ME1, I was not a huge fan of using the kid as the main vehicle for symbolism. I can understand the problem of needing something universal, but they picked something all players had equally little attachment to. Not to sound callous, but I doubt Shepard would really care that much about a kid she didn't know. Would she have been sad when she saw him die? Sure. Would his ghost have haunted her dreams? Doubtful. So, in this chapter I will pay a brief nod to the original content of the dreams, but then I'm going to rework them to fit better with this Shepard and the overall themes of this work. Don't expect to see the kid pop up again because I think he's a waste of time.**

**As always, any feedback is appreciated. Negative or positive.**

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**Light and Dark**

Shepard stood in a circle of light completely surrounded by darkness. Out in the shadows lay death, she knew, so she huddled inside the light. She wished that she had a gun or some kind of weapon, but all she had was her armor. A memory of the place, or rather a feeling of sorts, told her that she had been there before. When or why was beyond her recollection, but she knew that it was a bad place.

"All things pass," she whispered, but her voice seemed loud in such an empty space. The words were comforting though. "Love and mankind are grass." The darkness would pass. She needed only to wait. So she whispered the little prayer to herself to ward off her fear. "All things pass, love and mankind are grass. All things pass, love and mankind are grass. All things pass..."

Another sound cut through the darkness, causing Shepard to fumble in her mantra. Her heart beat wildly in her chest; it knew what was coming, even if her mind did not. The sound came again and continued, a soft, low whine of pain. Something was out there in the dark and it was hurt. Inside the commander the sound had sparked a war. Part of her wanted to run out and rescue whatever needed help. She was a protector and a guardian. The other part of her feared the sound and feared the shadows. It urged her to shut her ears and wait for the terror to pass.

Yet, when the sound continued, Shepard's protector instinct won out and she set off towards the noise. She walked forward blindly, leaving the safety of the light, until she stumbled upon a shape. Somehow she could see despite the lack of light and she recognized the shape of a human body. It was small though, that of a child. At first glance she thought it was the body of the boy she had seen die on Earth, but in an instant the features changed, melted away, and she suddenly recognized the person.

Falling to her knees, Sophia lifted her little sister's limp form into her arms and felt a sob shudder through her chest. She cradled Jamie's blonde head against her body, wishing she could feel warmth coming from her sister's skin. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that Jamie had been dead for a long time, but the rest of her felt overcome by an irrational wish to see her sister breathe just one more time. She shook the little girl, stroked her hair, begged her to open her eyes, but it was no use. Jamie was gone, and Sophia was alone in the darkness.

She rose with her sister still in her arms. Jamie felt so light; she had been only eleven years old when she died and Sophia was fully grown now. Turning, Sophia carried her back towards the light, determined not to leave her sister alone out there. She laid the body down gently inside the ring of light and brushed back a stray lock of blonde hair. The moment she straightened, she heard another whine of pain from out beyond the light.

Shepard went back out into the shadows countless times. Each time she found another body, another person she had lost. Andrew, David, her mother and father. Then there were others. Soldiers who had died under her command - some of them nameless to her but she recognized their faces. Kaidan was amongst them, his body untouched by the nuclear explosion, but just as lifeless as the rest. She dragged them all back to the ring of light until there wasn't room left for her to stand within the circle. The last body she found was one she knew the name of and it brought back memories of a broken promise and promises yet to keep.

"I broke my promise in order to avenge you," Shepard told the blonde woman as she knelt down beside her. Her friend didn't answer, of course, but the silence was accusing all the same. "You were right though. It was a stupid thing to do. If I had just listened to you, maybe I could have saved them... but I lost them all. They gave me a damn medal for it anyway, you know." Burying her face in her hands, Shepard felt tears slide down her cheeks. "I don't know how many more I can bear to lose, Melief. The circle is already full. There's no place left for us there."

The darkness responded with silence.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard awoke to find her face wet with tears. Blinking away some of the remaining water in her eyes, she found the room dark, but not the same suffocating blackness of the dream. She knew where she was - her room aboard the Normandy, the only home she had left - and she knew that she had been dreaming. But still, she felt empty inside.

Liara sat nearby, stroking her hair as she lay on the couch. On her back, looking up at the ceiling, Shepard could see the concern on the asari's face. Her lips were turned down in a frown and her eyes contained a kind of restrained pain. When she saw that Shepard was awake, she said, "You were crying in your sleep."

Shepard was not the type of woman to cry in front of others. People looked to her for strength; her tears would only cause others fear. Liara had seen her cry before, after Kaidan died, but Shepard had been drunk and stripped of her self-consciousness at the time. Sitting up hastily, Shepard raised her hand to wipe her eyes with the back of her sleeve, but Liara stopped her by grabbing hold of her wrist. The stare from her deep blue eyes was too intense for Shepard to bear and she averted her own gaze. But Liara gently reached out and traced the path her tears had run with her free hand as if studying the lines of a map.

"The nightmares from the prothean beacon," Liara whispered, realization dawning. "They are back now that the Reapers are."

"These are different," Shepard said. "They've changed somehow."

"What do you mean? What did you dream about?"

Shepard rubbed her forehead, feeling the faint tingling of a headache. She didn't want to worry Liara by telling her about such dark dreams, but she didn't want to lie either. "The night is full of ghosts, that tap and sigh upon the glass and listen for reply," she murmured to herself, the line of poetry coming unbidden and yet capturing how she felt. When Liara gave her a quizzical look she added, "I dreamed of the dead. Of all the people I've lost." She described the dream briefly, though left out the last part about Melief. That memory was something they had not spoken of yet and with so much at stake, Shepard didn't want to be reminded of promises broken and those yet to keep.

When she had finished, Liara wrapped her arms around the human's shoulders and kissed her on the cheek. "I am sorry, Shepard," she whispered. "I cannot imagine how painful that must be for you."

The commander hugged her back, staring at the far wall with a pained expression. She didn't dare tell Liara that there were worse dreams than revisiting the dead. It was the visions of the future that filled her with terror.

~.~.~.~.~

"I don't know about you, but after what we've just been through, I could use a drink." Garrus put a talon on her shoulder and pushed her towards the door of the forward battery while Shepard laughed.

"I won't say no to a drink," she said. As they walked to the starboard observation deck, Shepard studied her friend with a smile. She tried not to think of what would have happened if he hadn't been on Menae when they had arrived. If he had been on Palaven when the Reapers struck and they couldn't get to him... But no, he had been right where she needed him, like always. They had the new Primarch safely onboard and were finally making progress.

He caught her staring and said, "What's with the look, Shepard?"

"I was just thinking how glad I am to see you," she said truthfully. "It's good to see you haven't changed. Still as witty and charming as ever."

"Well, without my wit and charm I'd just be the best sharpshooter in the galaxy - and who wants to be known for just one thing?"

They arrived at the bar and poured themselves drinks, sitting across from each other at the counter. Both gulped down their drinks within seconds and needed to refill the contents. When they were more settled, Shepard asked, "Are you ok, Garrus? With leaving Palaven, I mean."

He shrugged and took another sip. "I could ask you the same thing about Earth. It's a weird feeling, leaving your home world to save it. But I guess we don't have a choice."

"I guess not," Shepard agreed. "But we always do what we have to."

"We do."

Both were quiet for a while until Shepard asked, "Did you talk to Liara yet?"

"I did. We had a chat while you were busy dealing with the Primarch. She seems to be holding up well, though the asari haven't really been hit yet. She did seem worried for you though."

"I haven't been having the most restful sleep," Shepard admitted.

"Well, if it makes you feel better, a certain turian friend of yours won't be getting a good night's sleep either. If you find yourself unable to sleep, I'm always willing to meet you at the bar."

Shepard laughed. "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. I may have to take you up on the offer."

Garrus swirled the contents of his glass around and said, "So, I noticed some new faces on the ship. It seems like every time I board the Normandy I find different people. This time I find less, rather than more. One of them was a rather big human. He looked sort of like a krogan."

"That's James," Shepard replied. "He's a good guy. Straightforward, honest, but he's got a sense of humor like yours. I think you'll like him."

Nodding, Garrus added, "What about the girl hanging around the CIC? I'm not great at telling humans apart, but I don't think that's Kelly."

"She's not. Her name is Samantha Traynor. She is a communications specialist for the Alliance." Shepard had no idea what became of Kelly Chambers after her departure on Omega. The commander still suspected that the woman had been a spy for Cerberus all along, and she had probably run back to the Illusive Man. She probably should have done something about the woman, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to take such measures.

"I know you didn't trust Kelly," Garrus said, as if reading her mind. "What about this new one?"

"I think it's safe to trust her. She's not a spy like Kelly, I think. Besides, her talking to the Alliance isn't like informing on us to Cerberus. She seems like a nice person."

"And she's not trying to analyze you," Garrus pointed out.

"Yeah, that helps." Shepard downed the rest of her drink, shaking her head at the burn in her throat. "Hey, Garrus, I've been thinking a lot about it and... I want to ask you to be my XO."

His mandibles twitched down and his brows rose in surprise. "I don't think I'd make a good XO, Shepard," he said. "I'm no Miranda. I don't know how to keep tabs on everything on the ship and do all that desk work."

"Between EDI and Traynor, I don't think you'd have to do much of that kind of stuff. But I want someone that I trust in charge in case something goes wrong. I need to know that if something happens to me, someone will continue the fight. There's no one better than you."

"This is a human ship," he pointed out. "The Alliance won't like this."

"This is _my_ ship," Shepard corrected. "In this fight the different factions don't make that much of a difference anymore. There are only two sides, the Reapers and us. I know you'll keep fighting, no matter what, so if I'm gone, the Normandy is yours."

Garrus finished his drink and stood, holding out his hand to the commander. "I understand, Shepard." She shook his hand. "I won't let you down."

~.~.~.~.~

"It's about time I saw your scaly ass back aboard my ship!" Shepard called out from the other end of the walkway to the cockpit. The massive krogan in red armor, with scars down the right side of his face and crimson predator eyes, turned his head and grinned. The crewmen on either side of the walkway turned and gaped at him, some even cringing away. Shepard felt the tremors that he sent through the floor as he walked towards her.

"I noticed you made some improvements," Wrex said. "Feels a bit too cozy now." When he reached her, he stopped and stared down. "Though it is good to be back. I miss the old Normandy days."

Shepard laughed. "Yeah, shooting geth and hunting down a rogue spectre seems like a vacation compared to what's going on now."

"Don't tell me you're losing your taste for battle," Wrex said, tossing his head with a sniff.

She wanted to say yes, wanted to say that she was so tired of fighting against insane odds, but knew better than to admit such a thing in front him. Instead, she said, "No, I've just missed fighting alongside my favorite krogan." She gestured for him to follow her to the conference room. As they walked, she turned her tone serious and said, "I'm going to need your help again, Wrex. I won't be able to win this war without your help."

He gave her a grim look, even baring some teeth. "I need your help too, Shepard. I hope you're prepared to do the impossible one more time."

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard hadn't stepped foot inside the portside observation deck in over six months. It looked remarkably unchanged which seemed appropriate given its former inhabitant had been an asari justicar. Even with Samara gone, the commander had a hard time thinking of it as anything other than the justicar's room. That feeling was only compounded when she saw Liara sitting on one of the couches, legs crossed and surrounded by a biotic glow, meditating like Samara had always done. Unlike the justicar, however, Liara turned her head as soon as she heard the door open, letting her biotics fade away.

Crossing over to her, Shepard lowered herself onto the couch next to Liara, though she sat regularly, her arms spread across the back of the couch. "Is that a meditation technique all asari know?" she asked. "I saw Samara do the same thing all the time."

Relaxing some from her stiff-backed position, Liara said, "Yes, it is a basic meditation form that all asari learn in early biotic training. It helps us focus our attention and build calm. The goal is to keep your power level at an even rate for as long as possible." She touched her forehead with a sheepish expression. "I must admit though, I have not been very diligent about honing my biotics. I have been too busy."

"Samara always sat on the floor too. No cushions for her."

Liara rolled her eyes. "Discomfort is optional. I am no justicar."

"If it makes you feel any better, you're still probably more disciplined than me. I asked Samara if I could join her once, thinking it'd be fun to try to meditate, but I couldn't keep a constant power level for more than five minutes."

Liara blinked in surprise. "That is... That is pretty sad, Shepard."

Laughing, the commander nodded her agreement. "Yeah, I know. Samara said the same thing. I've never had great control over my biotics. I think the Alliance was hoping for another skilled biotic, like Kaidan, but I was always a wildcard for them."

"When did you discover that you had biotics?" Liara asked.

"During the attack on Mindoir. I sort of accidentally used them. But the Alliance didn't know about that - I didn't really understand at the time either. The first time anyone actually noticed was when I was about 21 years old, during N7 training. It was during survival training. I was so tired, and just fed up, and I just... snapped. Got really angry and tore part of the training area apart." Chuckling, she added, "I was on probation for about a month, and N7 probation is... unpleasant. I barely slept that month and I thought I was going to die from exhaustion."

"21 is so old," Liara said, her brows pulled down in confusion. Then realizing what she had said, she amended, "Well, not old compared to an asari lifetime I suppose, but old for discovering biotics. Asari usually start expressing them around 12 to 15 years old. Young children may have moments of biotic outbursts before that, but it is somewhat rare. And you said it happened when you got angry. I have always been taught that calm is better."

"I think it's better for control," Shepard said. "But after watching Jack... I think anger can make you more powerful. But I also think that as long as the biotic levels are close, control will ultimately win out over power. That's why I've never been much of a biotic. I don't have good control."

"The Alliance did not try to teach you?"

"Oh, they tried. They just weren't that successful. Though to be fair, for a long time I couldn't even use my biotics at will and whenever I did use them I would be completely out of control. At least I can use them when I want to now."

Liara scrunched up her face as if tasting something sour. "I am sorry, Shepard, but that just seems so... strange to me. I cannot imagine not having biotics training at a young age, or even having difficultly using my powers. It has always been part of who I am."

"It's a part of me too, I guess, but a different part. For me, biotics have always been associated with dark times in my life. It's always been linked to my anger and frustration."

Liara's lips suddenly pulled up into a roguish grin. "We will have to change that by making some good memories for you." A blue glow surrounded her hand as she crooked a finger at Shepard, and the commander felt herself yanked across the couch to close the gap between them. Shepard laughed as the biotic field dropped her next to the asari and she wrapped her arms around Liara to steady herself. Without waiting, Liara pressed their lips together, a hungry kiss like they had shared on Mars. But this time, Liara held on to her biotics, the blue aura dancing about her skin. It felt like electricity humming against Shepard's cheek when Liara cupped her face with one hand. It felt like a musical note reaching out to her. She could even feel the biotic spark on Liara's lips, and she imagined that she was tasting lightning. Her own biotics answered of their own accord, pulsing at the same frequency, leaping forth to meet Liara's. When they finally pulled apart, Shepard was panting, trying to catch her breath.

"Did I mention yet how much I missed you?" Liara asked.

Shepard suddenly recalled that Liara had in fact said the same thing the night before, and she felt a pang of guilt. It had been the first time that they had been alone together in six months and Shepard had fallen asleep after finishing their meager meal. During those six months, Liara had probably needed her just as much as Shepard had needed Liara. It seemed like every day she had wished that she could hold Liara in her arms and fall asleep beside her. But when she finally had her lover back she had been unable to stay awake, to provide any sort of physical connection, even after Liara had told her how much she had missed her.

"Liara," she said, "about last night... I hope you don't think that I didn't miss you too... that I didn't want..."

Liara surprised her by laughing, her voice full of mirth as she draped her arms about Shepard's shoulders. "You were exhausted," she said. "I was actually relieved that you finally let yourself rest. I waited six months to get you back; I could wait another day to show you how much I missed you." Then making her voice a bit lower she added, "And you are not too tired now, right, Commander?"

In response Shepard kissed Liara again and pressed her down onto the cushions of the couch. Liara laughed as Shepard's lips wandered to her neck and her blue hands fumbled with the buttons of the officer's uniform. She had just managed to tug the jacket off the commander's shoulders when Shepard pulled back, an exasperated look on her face.

Mouth parted in confusion, eyes wide, Liara asked, "What is wrong?"

"This," Shepard said, rapping her knuckles over Liara's stomach. Her light armor plating created a solid echo. "Why do you always pick outfits that are so hard to get out of?"

Liara couldn't resist teasing the commander and said, "I thought you were good at overcoming challenges."

"Oh come on. This is just cruel, T'soni. Seriously, this outfit is just confusing me. How do you even get it on?"

Sitting up with a smirk, Liara said, "I thought you wanted me to take it off."

"Haha, very funny," Shepard said. Then pretending to yawn she added, "Oh my, all this talk is making me awfully tired."

Liara tried her best to scowl, but her lips still twitched up into a smile. "Now _that_ is just cruel, Shepard."

"I learned from the best," Shepard murmured as she ducked in for another kiss.

Liara chuckled before deepening the kiss and summoning her biotics again. Her hands reached for the clasps on her armor.


	4. Away With It, Let It Go

**Ok, guys, how come NO ONE told me that there were weird places of punctuation in this (and probably the other) story? I just noticed that apparently whenever I have a long dash, it doesn't show up (at least with google crome). So there are just some odd little gaps here and there and places where it looks like I forgot to put in punctuation. I shudder to think that this whole time you guys have just been thinking "Wow, NQ just likes to leave out punctuation sometimes and have awkward run-on sentences." I swear, I know how to construct a sentence and I had no idea that this site doesn't transfer a long hyphen. I'm going back and putting in short hyphens instead. But if you see a grammatical error, please feel free to tell me. I don't have a proofreader other than myself, so some things probably slip my notice.**

**Anyway, just a brief word about this chapter. I get so much joy out of writing Aethyta's character. Seriously, a foul-mouthed, half-krogan asari matriarch who is abrasive yet witty - it's like that character was created just to make me happy. I even love writing her as a mischievous grandmother too. So, obviously, I couldn't resist rewriting the scene from the game. I kept some of the in-game lines, but switched it around a little bit. I mostly just wanted to flesh the scene out some more. Also, reconciliation with Ash! Yay!**

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**Away With It, Let It Go**

The feel of paper brushing against her fingertips felt unbelievably good. Rifling through the pages of the book, her thumb pressed along the edge and releasing each page in rapid succession, Shepard listened to the soft whir it created. How long had it been since she had held a real book? Too long, she knew. So many people preferred datapads or omni-tools for reading, but Shepard loved the feel of a solid book in her hands. Opening it to somewhere in the middle, she sniffed at the pages, wrinkling her nose at the smell of antiseptic and hospital. Not a smell she particularly liked, but that couldn't be helped.

Turning the book over in her hands, she examined the cover again. A poetry book by Lord Alfred Tennyson. What were the chances? Looking over her shoulder at Dr. Michel, who had pointed out the collection to her, Shepard asked, "Are you sure these are for sale?"

Dr. Michel seemed perplexed by Shepard's interest in the books. She shrugged and said, "Of course. We were clearing out one of the storage rooms to make room for new patients and found a box of old books. I think they must have been used for therapy. But they are very outdated. If you want to buy them, the money will go towards our patients' needs."

Turning back to the box, Shepard picked up another book. Its title was in an alien language that Shepard didn't understand, but based off all the shades of blue on the cover she suspected it might be an asari poetry book. Setting those two aside, Shepard quickly dug through the rest of the box, making note of how many alien authors there were and how many human books interspersed. It was a fair collection; about ten books total.

Placing the Tennyson and asari books back into the box, Shepard turned to Dr. Michel and said, "I'll buy them all."

The doctor raised an eyebrow at that and asked, "All of them? You won't be able to read about half, Commander." Her look also said that she doubted Shepard would even find the human books interesting. Like most people, Dr. Michel likely thought that the savior of the galaxy had few interests outside of fighting Reapers.

"It doesn't matter," Shepard assured her. "I want to buy them all. Can I keep the box to carry them in?"

"Sure, Commander."

Later, she walked into Ashley's hospital room with the box of books in her arms, smiling over the top, all her previous anxiety about seeing her old friend forgotten. Ashley turned her head at Shepard's entrance and sat up with a puzzled expression.

"You will not believe what I just found out in the lobby," Shepard exclaimed excitedly. Setting down the box by the bed, she grabbed a chair from the corner of the room and dragged it over to where Ashley lay. As she sat down she said, "They had a whole bunch of poetry books for sale. All kinds of authors. I bought them all, even the alien ones. I figure I can use a translator program and write the translations in the margins, whenever I have free time."

Ashley just gaped at the commander, but Shepard went on unfazed.

"Oh, and here," she said, bending down to select two of the books from the box. She handed them both to Ashley and added, "Those are for you. Tennyson and Whitman, yours to keep. Though fair warning, I might borrow the Whitman one at some point. He's not really my style, but he has his fair share of good ones. Fun fact: if you see him mention lilacs in one of his poems, you can bet he's talking about President Lincoln."

"Oh my God, Shepard. I can't believe you got these for me. That you remembered after all this time..." She touched the covers of the books gingerly, a simple sort of reverence. Then her face set in a determined expression and she stared Shepard straight in the eyes. "I wanted to apologize, Shepard. What I said on Mars... It wasn't fair. I believe that you had nothing to do with Cerberus. And I'm sorry about what I said on Horizon. I was so angry and upset and... and I'm going to stop making excuses." Taking a deep breath, she said, "I know we've grown apart and that I don't know much about your life anymore, but I want us to be friends again. I want us to forgive each other and let go of the past."

Eyeing Ashley judiciously, Shepard chose her words carefully. "I want to be friends again too, but I don't know if either of our wounds can be healed with simple words. I don't know what either of us could say to close the rift between us."

Smiling, though with an edge of nervousness, Ashley answered, "I thought you might say that, actually. But I think we know that words have power. So I... I memorized something that I thought you might listen to." She cleared her throat with a cough and began reciting, her voice shaky and unsure at first, but gaining confidence as she went. "Man aspires to good, to love, sighs; beaten, corrupted, dying, in his own blood lying. Yet heaves up an eye above, cries: Love, love. It is his virtue needs explaining, not his failing."

Shepard listened in stunned silence, the words a memory on her heart. On the last line, she joined in so that their voices rang as one. "Away, melancholy. Away with it, let it go."

Ashley smiled and after a moment of silence added, "I'm glad you recognize it. I wasn't sure if you would."

"'Away, Melancholy,' by Stevie Smith," Shepard replied.

The woman in the hospital bed nodded. "Yes. I thought it would be a nice gesture to memorize a piece of it for you since you memorized a piece of Tennyson... I wasn't exactly doing anything else while stuck here, anyway."

Shepard couldn't help but smile. Perhaps Ash had not changed so much after all. Perhaps they could trust one another again. The only way she could know for sure is if she let the past go. "Ok, Ash, you've convinced me. Let's start over. No grudges, no hard feelings anymore. Away with it, let it go."

~.~.~.~.~

Sidling up to the bar, Shepard couldn't remember if she was supposed to meet Liara there or if Liara had said that she would grab a table for them. Their relationship might not be the definition of normal, but they made an effort to at least have lunch together while on the Citadel. As she scanned the nearby tables, the bartender asked, "What can I get you, hon?"

"I'm actually looking for -" she started to say as she turned to the asari across the bar, but fumbled as she suddenly recognized the woman. Shepard had a talent for remembering faces, and she distinctly recalled seeing this one serving drinks at a bar on Illium. "We've met before," she said in surprise. Racking her brain for a name, Shepard recalled the hour right after seeing Liara again on Illium. She'd been a mess at the time, but the name came easily. "Matriarch Aethyta, right? You gave me some good advice back on Illium and then there was that incident with Conrad Verner..."

"Ah, yes, Commander Shepard," she said in a tone that implied she was equally surprised. But Shepard knew how to read people too, and she could hear the strain in the asari's voice as if she were feigning surprise. But why?

"What are you doing here?" the commander asked. "Why aren't you back on Illium?"

Aethyta shrugged. "With the Reapers tearing everyone a new one, the Citadel seemed the safest place to be."

True enough, Shepard supposed, but as Aethyta said it she had glanced out towards the patio. Shepard followed her gaze and finally spotted Liara, seated alone at a round table on the lower level. How... fortuitous. The commander wasn't a mistrusting person by nature, but she didn't believe in coincidences either.

"Why were you looking at Liara?" Shepard demanded, her voice turning from warm amiability to cold ice.

Aethyta blinked in confusion. "Liara? I don't know a Liara. Who are you talking about?"

She could hear it: the forced lightness in the matriarch's voice as she lied. "Bullshit," Shepard said. "You were on Illium when she was, now you're here on the Citadel, and when I ask why you're here you look right at her. I don't like being lied to. Now, tell me why you are interested in Liara before I lose my patience."

The asari gave an indignant snort and crossed her arms beneath her breasts. "That's flimsy evidence at best, Commander. You can't threaten someone just because they happen to be in the same place as someone else."

"Someone else maybe couldn't do that, but a spectre can," Shepard replied dangerously. Her right fist rested on the bar, knuckles pressed down against the steel and blue biotic energy wreathed around her arm like smoke from a fire.

Aethyta glanced down at Shepard's arm for the briefest second. Holding up her hands in a sign of surrender, the asari said, "Wait, wait, I'm not looking for trouble, Commander."

"Well, you found it," Shepard growled. "If you think you can hurt Liara -"

"Hurt Liara? No, you have it all wrong; I would never hurt her. I - she's..." Sighing, Aethyta rubbed the back of her neck. "Look, you know about her mother, Matriarch Benezia, and how her father was another asari - well, I'm her father."

Shepard had no trouble letting go of her biotics; they left her unbidden and she stood gaping at Aethyta. Could she be telling the truth? Shepard remembered the woman saying before that she had had a pure-blood daughter, but that it hadn't worked out with the other parent... And the age seemed likely - matriarch with matriarch would make sense. It was a shame that Liara bore a closer resemblance to Benezia - Shepard couldn't see much of her lover in Aethyta's face. She had thought before that they might find Liara's other parent one day, but not in the middle of a war. Caught off guard, she had no idea what to say. It was a little late for a proper introduction and her first impression was probably ruined now.

"Liara's your... your daughter?" she sputtered feebly, trying to buy time while she thought of what she might say next. All she could think to do was fall back on human custom. "I suppose it's a bit late for introductions, but I guess I should tell you that Liara is important to me. I'm -"

"Banging my daughter?" Aethyta finished dryly.

Blushing, Shepard said, "I was going to say dating."

Aethyta just shrugged. "Same thing in my book." She studied the commander for a moment, then said, "I don't really know my daughter though, so I don't think you need to worry about my approval. I doubt she'd give two shits what I have to say about you."

Shepard placed both hands on the counter and leaned forward. "Why don't you come meet her? I think Liara would really like to get to know you."

"No," Aethyta said.

"Um... why?"

"She's doesn't need me in her life and she doesn't know me from a hole in the ground. She's lived her whole life without me, who am I to step in now and act like I'm anyone to her? Besides, I'm too old to start being a good father. I don't have any experience being a parent."

"You don't have to do anything special," Shepard tried to assure her. "Just meet her."

"My answer is no, Commander. And there's nothing you can do to change my mind. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to work." She turned her back to Shepard and busied herself with drying some beer glasses. Frowning, Shepard thought, _Change your mind? No, but I can get you to talk to her all the same._

With a sly grin, Shepard walked down to the other end of the bar and motioned to the manager to come talk to her. Aethyta saw, and the asari narrowed her eyes as the commander spoke a few words to the manager and then walked away. Shepard went down to the lower level of the patio and sat down in the chair next to Liara. Her lover looked up from her work and flashed a warm smile.

"You are late, Shepard," she said teasingly.

"I had an unexpected run in with someone," Shepard answered slowly. "Liara... I think I found your other parent."

Liara seemed completely unimpressed by that information. "You mean the matriarch serving drinks at the bar? I know."

Crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair with a frown, Shepard said, "I never get to tell you anything anymore."

Liara chuckled. "I am a very good information broker, Shepard."

"Well, I bet I have one piece of information you don't know about yet... She's going to be coming over to our table in a few seconds with a round of drinks."

At that, Liara's eyes widened. "What?!" she exclaimed. "Why did you do that?!"

"I thought you should at least talk to her, Liara."

"I do not know what to say to her," Liara sputtered.

"I'll help," Shepard promised, laying a hand over Liara's. "Just give her a chance." More than anything, Shepard knew that Liara needed answers. She needed to know why Aethyta had never been a part of her life - for better or for worse.

The matriarch approached the table, two drinks in hand and a pissed off expression on her face. She glared at Shepard as she set down the drinks. "I guess you think you're very clever, Commander," she spat. "Throwing your weight around to convince my boss to make me play waitress. From the way you come off on the news, I never thought you'd be good at using underhanded tactics to get your way."

Liara bristled at that; she had always been more protective of Shepard's honor than Shepard was. "Shepard was helping me... Mother," she said coolly.

If Aethyta was surprised that Liara already knew who she was, she didn't show it. Instead she grumbled, "Don't call me that. Nezzy was your mother. I was just your father; I didn't pop you out."

Trying to be diplomatic, Shepard gestured to the empty chair across from her and Liara. "Why don't you take a seat and talk with us for a minute?"

"I'm not paid to chat with customers."

"Well, as you pointed out earlier, my name does carry a certain amount of weight..." Shepard said and her expression added, _and I can make you talk with us one way or another_.

Taking the hint, Aethyta reluctantly sat down, but she refused to say anything. Liara wasted no time, however, and asked the obvious question. "Why are you following me around?"

The matriarch drummed her fingers on the table. "The other matriarchs are wary of you. They're afraid you'll turn out like Benezia. I'm here to watch you."

"I am not like my mother," Liara growled.

"Well, you can't exactly blame them for being worried," Aethyta said with a shrug. "You've got some shady connections and now you're hanging around with a spectre in league with Cerberus -"

"I am _not_ with Cerberus," Shepard snapped. "I used their resources and then left them in the dust when they were no longer of use."

"Good," the matriarch replied, narrowing her eyes at the commander. "Because if you were still with them, you wouldn't get within a light-year of Liara."

"Is that a threat?" Shepard asked dryly.

"It's whatever you take it to be."

"Well, then, just so we're clear: this _is_ a threat. I don't care who you are; if you so much as think about trying to lay a hand on Liara, I will make you wish that you never even had hands."

Aethyta blinked in a surprise and then chuckled. "You sound like a krogan, Commander. Maybe you're good enough for her after all." Then waving her hand in a sort of dismissive gesture, she added, "But you've got the wrong idea. I'm keeping the matriarchs off of her back. The only reason I agreed to do this is to keep them away from Liara."

Both Liara and Shepard exchanged stunned glances. Then Liara's expression changed to a nervous look, and the commander nodded encouragement. With a deep breath, Liara asked the question that had haunted her her whole life. "I need to know... why did you leave us? Why were you not there when I was growing up? Was it because I am - because I am a pureblood?"

Eyes wide, Aethyta seemed taken aback. "What? I left you? No, that's not true. Nezzy left me before you were even born. I never even saw a picture of you until you were nearly twenty years old."

"My mother left you?" Liara asked, as if the idea had never occurred to her. "Why would she do that?"

Aethyta shrugged. "I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. Nezzy was becoming a big name in asari politics and relationships between two asari are frowned upon. Besides, being tied down would have hurt her in the long run. People only listen to you if they think you're available."

"That is not true," Liara insisted with a scowl. "My mother would never have thought like that."

"You think? Trust me, people are much easier to influence if they think they can sleep with you. How many times have you thrown Shepard down on the bed and peeled her out of that uniform? And she'd probably do whatever you say."

Shepard shifted uncomfortably in her seat and Liara became much more flustered. "That is not - I love Shepard. I am not trying to influence her."

Smirking, Aethyta said, "Well, then you aren't using all the tools you have at your disposal." Pointing at Shepard, she added, "And people will be so afraid of getting on this one's bad side that no one will even _think_ they have a shot at sleeping with you. It'll be harder to get people to listen."

Liara chose to ignore that comment. "When my mother left... why did you not stop her? Why did you never contact me? Did you even..."

"Care?" Aethyta asked. "Yes, I cared. I thought Nezzy and I would be together for at least a few more centuries. I thought we would raise you together. But when she left, she made it clear that she didn't want me in your life. And I... I couldn't blame her. I'm not exactly the doting parent type. And you know how asari law works: the mother gets to keep the kid and decide how to raise her. I decided to respect Nezzy's wishes and disappear from your life. It was for the best. We both told ourselves that."

"Did you love her?" Liara asked quietly.

"Course I loved her. She was so smart. Always thinking. Nice, too. Hell of a lot nicer than I am. And damn, that rack. I mean, even before she hit the matriarch stage..."

"I get it," Liara quickly cut in.

"But I knew that she could be controlling sometimes. I may have been completely in love with her, but I knew she had that fault. She hated anything that was outside of her control. She was always planning - not a single spontaneous bone in her body. She already had plans for you before you were even born. That's why, before she left, I made her promise to let you go your own way. No matter what she wanted."

"Really?"

"I knew you'd be special, kid. Any daughter of hers... I told her 'You're treating her like a baby bird, Nezzy, but she's going to raise one hell of a storm with those little wings.'"

Liara covered her mouth with her free hand and stared wide-eyed at the matriarch. Shepard squeezed her other hand. "Little wing?" Liara murmured to herself.

Aethyta noticed the sudden reaction and leaned forward. "You okay?"

"Yes, I am fine, it is just -" Liara fumbled for a response and cast a pleading look at Shepard.

"Benezia called Liara Little Wing," the commander explained. "It seems that she listened to you after all."

Everyone at the table was quiet for a while, Liara gaping at Aethyta, Shepard watching Liara with a concerned expression, and the matriarch staring at a spot on the table as if she found it suddenly interesting. Finally, Aethyta cleared her throat and said, "Can I ask how it happened? How Nezzy - how she died? Was she..." She grimaced, but forced herself to say the words anyway. "Was she a traitor like they said? Did she really side with Saren?"

"No, she was not a traitor," Liara whispered. Shepard could see tears causing her eyes to sparkle a brilliant blue, and her voice sounded strained. "She was indoctrinated by the Reapers. But she fought it... she helped us before... before..."

Shepard raised Liara's hand to her lips and kissed the back of her hand gently, wishing she could hold her and comfort her more.

Aethyta also seemed on the verge of tears and quickly rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. "I didn't know... I thought - I should have known better. She would have never betrayed the galaxy." Taking a shuddering breath, she muttered, "A thousand years old and I still don't know shit... Thank you for telling me. I'm glad you were there with her." Then, looking at Shepard, she added, "And Commander... I'm glad you were with Liara too." She pushed back her seat and rose to her feet. "I should get back to work. But Liara... if you want to stop by and talk to me... well, that would be ok." She seemed embarrassed by her own sentimentality and quickly hurried away, leaving Shepard and Liara at the table.

Liara watched her go and then turned to Shepard. "She is not what I imagined, but... I am glad I met her. I am glad I know the truth now."

"I think she's glad that she met you too," Shepard said with a smile. "I think she's always loved you, if only from afar."

Liara smiled, her blue eyes shining. "I think so too."


	5. Wine from These Grapes

**An explanation of the title of this chapter (if you don't care just skip): this chapter title is a reference to a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay (I've included a small excerpt of the poem at the beginning). I racked my brain for over an hour trying to think of a title that could encompass what I wanted to get across in this chapter, and Edna seemed to be the best fit. Let's be honest, we've gotten to the part in the story where we're going to start having to deal with some of the darker material in ME3. Some deaths, demons from the past, etc. I've given a lot of thought about how I want to approach these subjects and while the tragedy will be addressed, I decided that I ultimately wanted to celebrate life. In life you'll get some good grapes, some juicy sweet, and some sour. You'll get bad grapes, rotten and full of seeds. But it's the wine you make from the grapes that matters, and the people you share it with. I know that sounds cheesy probably, but that's essentially what I want to get across in these next few chapters. There will be light, happy moments, and dark ones all mixed together; so let's hope this wine tastes good when all the grapes are ground down together.**

**Also, thank you to all those who have been reviewing. It is always rewarding to read your comments.**

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**Wine from These Grapes**

_If you would speak with me on any matter,_

_At any time, come where these grapes are grown;_

_And you will find me treading them to must,_

_Lean then above me sagely, lest I spatter_

_Drops of the wine I tread from grapes and dust._

"- so I was thinking that you might talk to Wrex. He would listen to you." The young krogan's voice rumbled loudly from Shepard's omnitool as she sat on the couch in her room. Her bare feet were propped on the coffee table, right arm draped over the back of the cushions, and a grin spread across her face as she listened to the message. She'd changed out of her crisp uniform into some navy blue workout shorts, courtesy of the Alliance, and a white tank top. For the commander, this state of undress was practically the pinnacle of allowing herself to be disheveled.

Watching Grunt's message, Shepard had to admit that he looked fully recuperated. _Must be nice to be able to completely regenerate injured tissue,_ she thought. She could hardly count all the times such an ability would have come in handy for her in the past. Still, after the scare of thinking that she had lost him to the rachni, she was thrilled to see him back to normal. The thought of sending him back into danger did make her stomach do a few uneasy flips, but she reminded herself that he had seen his fair share of danger with her in the past. And he was krogan. Fighting was in his blood.

The rest of the message continued on. "I should be on the front lines," Grunt complained. "Wrex keeps saying I'm valuable, but he's been keeping Aralakh Company back since we crushed the rachni. Tell him you saw us in action first hand." Shepard knew that Wrex was likely keeping Aralakh Company grounded to make sure Grunt was recovered: a favor to her. Obviously it was driving her young, krogan protégé crazy. Chuckling, she supposed that she would have to tell Wrex to let him back into the action.

"Anyway, there's your stupid message that you told me to send you when I got back to Tuchunka," he muttered, sounding like a sulking teenager. "I'd rather be on the Normandy right now though than stuck here. They say you're going to cure the genophage..." He seemed to grow suddenly embarrassed, turning his eyes away from the camera. "I told everyone that of course you would. Nothing ever stops you. Then one of the men said 'You think your mommy is going to do the impossible? She doesn't care about us.' I had to crack his frontal plate open to shut him up." He let out an indignant snort which was somewhat lessened by him nervously touching the back of his head. "Point is, I know you'll do it. I'd wish you luck, but who needs luck when you have ammo, right?" He grinned. "I guess that's all I have to say. I'll talk to you later. Bye... Mom."

The message cut off abruptly after that and Shepard couldn't help letting out a laugh. As she sat there laughing the door opened and Liara walked in, tilting her head as she joined Shepard on the couch. She wore her usual light armor, but carried a small, metal box with her. "What is so funny?" she asked.

Turning off her omnitool, Shepard said, "I was just listening to a message from Grunt. I think he's been taking Wrex's japes seriously; he called me Mom." For a long time Wrex had been calling Grunt her kid in jest. At first the young krogan had growled at the joke every time his elder said it, but over time he seemed to get used to the idea.

Liara laughed and shook her head. "Somehow I am not that surprised. Maybe you were destined to be a krogan mother, Shepard."

Flashing a roguish grin, Shepard said, "Well, if we had a kid, then I could be, right? She'd be what? One-eighth krogan?"

Rolling her eyes, Liara answered, "That is not how asari genetics work."

"Your mother disagrees."

"My mother is not a reliable source." Placing the box down on the table and kneeling to press a few buttons, she said, "I had something I wanted to show you, Shepard. I have been thinking about the knowledge we gathered on the reapers, and how easily it could be lost again." A blue beam of light began to glow from the box and started to flash various images. Some Shepard recognized immediately like the Citadel, a mass relay, and even the Crucible.

Removing her feet from the table and leaning forward curiously, Shepard asked, "What's this?"

"A record of the galaxy, information on the reapers, relays, different cultures, and blueprints of the crucible. I am making several copies with an advanced VI encoded, and I will seed them on several planets."

"Like the prothean beacons," Shepard whispered.

Liara nodded. "Exactly. I want to make sure that all the knowledge we gained will not be lost."

Staring at the box in wonder, Shepard said, "That's brilliant, Liara." She shifted her gaze to her lover. "_You're_ brilliant! Something like this never even crossed my mind. Are you already done making them? Do you need my help with anything?"

"There is one entry I wanted your opinion on."

"Which one?"

"Your own."

Shepard gaped at Liara. "Mine?"

Nodding, Liara brought up an image of the commander. "You are the symbol of our resistance, Shepard. If we fail... future civilizations should know about the best we had to offer. They should know we had hope."

Shepard stared at a miniature, blue version of herself and felt her stomach twist itself into knots. "I don't deserve anything like this," she protested. "Plenty of people have given their lives fighting the reapers already."

But Liara's eyes held an insurmountable determination. "Please, Shepard. I want to do this. I need to do this."

Shepard felt sure that her face had gone as red as a strawberry. Although she had become accustomed to attention from the media and from the general public, even accepted that as part of her job, she never felt comfortable with being called a hero. She was just doing what she had to do. She did it because she was able. She did it to protect the people she loved. But the look on Liara's face told her that she couldn't be convinced otherwise, and so Shepard weakly nodded. "Ok, but I can't talk about myself. I wouldn't... I wouldn't know what to say. You know me better than anyone; you should make it."

Liara smiled and rose to her feet. "I will start by saying that you were born on a colony called Mindoir. That you loved humanity and fought harder than anyone else to protect it. That you were a protector for everyone, a beacon of hope. You united people when others saw only war." She came over and sat down next to Shepard. "You were strong, brave..." Placing both hands on the seat and leaning towards the commander so that their faces were mere centimeters apart, she lowered her voice and added, "Beautiful."

Flushing red again, Shepard let out a small laugh and said, "Promise me you won't say that in the recording."

Grinning, Liara said, "Would that be considered a conflict of interest?"

"Maybe." Shepard closed the distance to press her lips against Liara's, savoring the moment. But Liara pulled away a second later, laughing. "What?" Shepard demanded.

"Your face feels so hot," Liara explained, laying the back of her hand on Shepard's cheek.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Shepard said, "That's because you've made me all embarrassed. I don't know what to do when you start saying all those things about me."

Liara smiled lovingly at the commander. "I do not know how you stay so humble, Shepard. I wish that for just one day you could see how I see you."

Crossing her arms with an indignant sniff, Shepard said, "Well, that road goes both ways, T'soni. If you saw yourself the way I see you, you'd wonder how I ended up so lucky." Instead of flattering Liara like Shepard had meant to do, the comment caused the asari to frown and she pulled away suddenly. Confused, Shepard uncrossed her arms and tried to close the distance again by scooting over. "Hey, what's the matter? I'm not actually mad, Liara. I was just playing."

"It is not you," Liara said quietly. "I just... How can you think you are so lucky? Back on Illium I abandoned you. When you needed me. And yet you never gave up. Why? You are more than I deserve."

Frowning, Shepard reached for Liara's hand, squeezing it tightly. "Liara, that's all in the past. You were afraid of getting hurt again. I don't blame you. I didn't give up on you because you never gave up on me. Back on the old Normandy, you came into my life - the best thing that has ever happened to me - even though I kept running from you. When I died, you never gave up on me. You found a way to bring me back." Cupping Liara's face in her free hand, Shepard smiled. "I promised you that I would always come back to you, didn't I? That's why I'll never give up. I love you. I need you."

"I love you too," Liara whispered, her eyes glassy. "More than you can imagine."

Gesturing towards the recorder, Shepard said, "I dunno, Liara. This gives me a pretty good idea of the lengths you're willing to go to."

Chuckling, Liara replied, "True. I suppose I did just write your name in the stars."

"Classic romance. Maybe I should write you a love poem."

"That might be better than engraving a gun."

"I dunno. I remember that being a pretty good seduction technique."

Liara laughed. "And how was this attempt at seduction compared to that one?"

In response, Shepard rose to her feet and pulled Liara to hers as well. The asari giggled as Shepard lifted her off her feet, and she wrapped her legs around the commander's waist. Liara captured the human's lips again, causing Shepard to stumble about a little as she tried to navigate her way to the bed. She hit the edge of the bed with her knee, tripped, and they both spilled unceremoniously onto the sheets. Neither cared, however, as they discarded clothes and their cares.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard had never felt so disgusted before. Angry? Sure. Her temper was damn near legendary. Sad? Of course. She'd suffered more than her fair share of losses. But disgusted? Never like this. If she thought it would have done any good, she would have spat on the hologram.

The dalatross had the nerve to stand there as if she had asked Shepard whether she would like to go for a run in the park together, not whether she would like to betray an entire civilization. She had asked Shepard to break a promise, to betray her friends and allies. If Shepard fooled the krogan and pretended to cure the genophage, making them think they were finally free of their curse, but in reality keeping them in chains, then the salarians would join her cause in force. All it would take was a lie - maybe also the murder of her dear friend, Mordin Solus (who would never stand aside while she undid his work) - and she would have both species in her pocket. The krogan through deception and the salarians through doing their dirty work. The thought was abhorrent. The answer was easy.

"You can go fuck yourself," Shepard snarled. Never, in her entire life, had she let her emotions get the better of her when dealing with dignitaries or her superiors. Despite being sorely tempted at times, Shepard had never punched a reporter, or even said a curt word to one, no matter how much they hounded her. She had never shown anything other than the perfect face of humanity to the public, to foreign eyes. Even when they said terrible things about her, called her a traitor or worse, she kept her cool professionalism. It was her strength, her greatest ally. But the dalatross did not deserve an ounce of courtesy for suggesting something so unthinkable. The salarians were lost to Commander Shepard, that much was clear, and she was done playing games.

The dalatross looked completely shocked by Shepard's outburst, recoiling back and gaping like a fish out of water. "What did you just say to me?" she asked.

Leaning over the control panel so that her face would take up the entire hologram on the salarian's end, Shepard replied, "I told you to go _fuck_ yourself."

The dalatross's tone became equally as icy in a heartbeat. "I hope you realize what you've just done, Commander. You've thrown your lot in with a bunch of brutes who will turn on you the first chance they get. And you've doomed Earth to fall in the process." Jabbing an accusatory finger at Shepard, she added, "It would be best for everyone if you die down on that wasteland of a planet. That's the only chance any of us have for peace."

"I'll be glad to disappoint you then," Shepard replied back curtly. "I'll be even happier if I ever get to meet you in person again, and stick my boot up your ass."

The salarian made a disgusted _tsking_ sound. "You even sound like one of them," she sneered.

Shepard smiled at the compliment. "Thanks." Then she cut the connection. She knew that what had just happened wasn't ideal. She knew that she had lost the majority of the salarians for her cause, though some would still join her like Kirrahe. But she found it hard to feel anything other than disgust. She knew that if the offer had been proposed to her a hundred times, in a hundred different ways, she would have said no a hundred times. She'd done things in the past and wondered later if she'd made the right call. But this time she knew that she would never have to wonder. She'd done the right thing. Of that, she was sure.

~.~.~.~.~

A golden snowflake landed softly on her upturned cheek, its brethren whipping around her in the wind of Tuchunka. They weren't really snowflakes, but the scene made her think of winters back on Mindoir when she would build icy forts with her brothers and pelt the neighborhood kids with frozen projectiles until her fingers were stiff from the cold. She remembered collapsing in the snowdrifts, her breath frosting in the air. Shepard wanted to do that now, she felt so tired, but there would be nothing to cushion her fall.

She glanced back at the smoking remains of the shroud tower, but the pain it caused was too much to bear and she looked away. Later. She would grieve later. Not here. Not now.

Turning back around, she saw Liara tending to some of Garrus's wounds with medigel. She caught the asari's eye for a second, but quickly averted her gaze. She didn't want comfort right now. At the same time, Wrex approached with Eve in tow, looking happier than she had ever seen him. She walked forward to meet him, expecting to shake hands with him, but he surprised her by lifting her up and spinning her around. The gesture was shockingly intimate for a krogan, borderline human in terms of affection, and Shepard just gaped as he spun her. She also noticed, for the first time, just how strong krogan actually were. Mentally she had always known their power, but it occurred to her just how easily Wrex could have snapped her in two at the moment.

As he set her back down, he said, "You did it, Shepard! The genophage - gone!"

A little dizzy, Shepard staggered to regain her footing. "It was touch and go there for a while."

"But you did it! I have to admit, at times I wasn't sure if even Commander Shepard could help us, but you proved me wrong."

It did feel good, knowing that she had helped not only her friend, but all the krogan. Smiling, she said, "I told you I would help you out back on the original Normandy, didn't I? You should have more faith in me, Wrex."

He laughed. "You're right. I won't make the same mistake again. From now on you are of my clan, my sister in combat."

The words were enough to soothe some of the ache in her heart. To hear one of her dearest friends call her sister was a reminder of all the people she had left to love in the galaxy.

But the good feeling couldn't last. Eve looked around and asked, "Where is Mordin Solus? I do not see him with you."

The smile immediately vanished from Shepard's face. "He sacrificed himself in order to cure the genophage," she said in a tight voice.

Eve bowed her head. "I am sorry, Commander. I know he was a good friend to you. He was a good man."

"He was," she agreed. "Without him... none of this would have been possible."

Wrex cast a look at the broken tower, the closest expression to sadness Shepard had ever seen from him crossing his face. "I liked that salarian. He wasn't like the rest of his kind. We'll name one of the kids after him. Maybe one of the girls."

Shepard also forced herself to look at the tower again. "I miss him. He was probably one of the most honorable men I ever knew. He never hesitated to give his life in order to make this right." Remembering his last words, she let a sad smile spread to her lips and shook her head. "It had to be him. Someone else would have gotten it wrong."

~.~.~.~.~

Liara peered around Shepard's room, eyes flicking to each corner as if somehow the commander could have hidden from sight. She checked the bathroom next, but found it empty. There were no documents up on the terminal either. "EDI, where is Commander Shepard right now?"

"Commander Shepard is currently located in the Shuttle Bay," came the AI's voice.

Letting out her pent up breath and releasing the tension in her shoulders, Liara said, "Oh, she must be talking with Lt. Vega then."

"Incorrect," EDI said. "Shepard dismissed all other personnel from the deck. Lt. Vega, as well as most of the crew usually stationed in the Shuttle Bay, are now located on Deck 3."

Liara's stomach retwisted itself into knots. After what had happened on Tuchunka, Liara had expected to find Shepard grieving for Mordin in her room. Despite the commander's talent for connecting with people, she had a solitary streak that often forced her to seek seclusion. That coupled with her temper, however, meant Shepard usually turned her anger upon herself. "What is she doing down there?"

"I'm sorry, Dr. T'soni, but Commander Shepard has instructed me to remain silent on her activities."

Liara thought about arguing with EDI, but she knew that the AI was almost as strict about protocol as Shepard. She would never disobey a direct order unless commanded to by someone of higher rank.

However, EDI did surprise her by saying, "Shepard has not locked down the elevator, Liara."

Taking the hint, Liara ran for the elevator and immediately set the destination to Deck 5. When the doors opened again the sound of thunder echoing off the ship's hull greeted her. A loud boom followed by the clang of metal, twisting and screeching, repeated over and over. Liara winced at the noise as she stepped off the elevator. Shepard stood out in the middle of the Cargo Bay, her hands balled into fists and wreathed with a biotic glow as she punched a large metal container. Where her fists struck the metal rippled and warped into a three foot wide dent, but the box was heavy enough to resist moving backwards. Shepard's officer's jacket had been tossed unceremoniously onto the weapons bench and the commander wore only a white undershirt and her dark blue pants. She didn't slow her barrage of punches or even acknowledge Liara's arrival.

As Liara got closer she noticed that Shepard's knuckles were bloody, and drops of crimson dotted the floor as well as her white shirt. Sweat streamed down her face causing loose tendrils of her hair to stick to her forehead. Her breathing sounded ragged, punctuated by a grunt every time she slammed her fist into the metal crate. Liara could tell that Shepard was a million light-years away in her head, somewhere in the past drudging up old hurts and memories. Before Shepard could strike the container again, Liara wrapped the human in a stasis field. The commander didn't seem surprised or angry at the intrusion, instead she just took in deep breaths and stared at the twisted metal before her.

After keeping her frozen for about a minute, Liara released her hold on the commander and the woman just sagged to her knees. She sat back with her legs drawn up, arms draped over her knees and violet eyes trained on Liara. She didn't say anything as the asari crouched down beside her and took one of her bloody hands into her own blue ones. The human's red blood smeared all over the palms of her hands, but Liara didn't care. She gingerly examined the lacerations on Shepard's knuckles, noting that one or two were probably deep enough to need stitches. Shepard's hands trembled, but when Liara applied pressure to the fingers she didn't feel anything broken. She was thankful that Shepard had at least had enough sense to use her biotics to protect her hands while using the metal crate as a punching bag. Dr. Chakwas would need to take a look at the wounds, but there didn't seem to be any need for immediate medical attention.

"Mordin would not want this," Liara said, trying to keep her tone gentle.

Shepard sighed. She looked so much like a child in that moment. For a minute she wasn't the indomitable Commander Shepard; she was small, vulnerable, and unsure of what to do. "I know," she said quietly. "I was just... I was so angry. And I was feeling so helpless. I just wanted to fight something, but I didn't have anything to fight. There isn't really anything to get revenge on either. The only thing I can really blame are the Reapers and... how do I fight them? I can't do anything about them right now. And I didn't want to take my anger out on the wrong person, so I took it out on something that didn't matter."

Studying Shepard's face, Liara felt relieved to see no trace of anger left. As much as she disliked seeing Shepard hurt in any way, she had to admit that this sort of behavior was much better than other options Shepard could have taken. The commander had a tendency towards self destruction, towards actions that could easily put her in danger. A bloody hand was a small price to pay in the long run.

"I know you cared about Mordin, Shepard. He knew it too. He would not want you to be sad for him. He would want you to remember all the great things that he did. He lived a long life for a salarian. He accomplished so much."

Shepard allowed herself to grin and said, "He was the very model of a scientist salarian."

Liara returned the smile. "He was."

Shaking her head, Shepard said, "I know I shouldn't let Mordin's death get to me, but it just makes me think about who else we might lose. When I thought we had lost Grunt... I know that more of our friends might die and I know that I'll be helpless to stop it. I hate feeling like I can't fight back."

"We can fight back, Shepard. We are. When the final battle comes we will pay the reapers back tenfold for all the people they took from us. We just have to be patient for now."

The look in Shepard's eyes asked the question that Liara prayed she wouldn't have to answer. _What if I lose you?_ Remembering Shepard's death, how it had torn her apart, was too much to bear. She knew exactly what Shepard would do if she died. She'd kick everyone off the Normandy and set a course for Earth to fight a hopeless battle against the reapers. She'd die trying to take as many reapers as she could with her. It would be reckless, crazy, and fueled by pain. And with Shepard's death, all the hope for the galaxy would be lost. She could see that fear in Shepard's violet eyes, and the fear that Shepard would ask the question aloud gripped at Liara's heart.

Thankfully, Shepard didn't ask that question. Instead she said, "I hope you're right." Taking another deep breath, she added, "Do you still have all the beacons that you made, Liara? Can you add information to them still?"

"Yes, I can still add information."

"Would you mind adding a file for Mordin? And Kaidan too. Their sacrifices are more important than anything else I've done. Delete the information on me if you need to make room. I want them to be remembered."

"I will," Liara promised. She would add the files on Mordin and Kaidan, but she would never delete the information on Shepard. Even if the commander didn't think her sacrifices were that important, future civilizations should know about a hero that gave everything and asked for nothing in return. Rising to her feet and pulling Shepard to hers, Liara said, "Let's have Dr. Chakwas look at your hands and let your crew have their Shuttle Bay back."

Casting a skeptical look at the mangled container, Shepard said, "It's going to be hard to explain the dent in this thing and all the blood."

Grinning, Liara answered, "Maybe you should just let everyone wonder."


	6. Remembrance

**Did it bother anyone else that when Kai Leng stabs Thane, Shepard is just kinda like "K, thanks" and practically ignores her friend bleeding out? It drives me insane. I know she's got to stop the assassin, but I kind of expect **_**some**_** kind of concern to be shown. So, yeah, I'm fixing that.**

**Concerning Thane's death, I drew a lot on personal experiences when deciding how to address the issue. I think most of us would agree that knowing how to comfort someone after a tragedy can be difficult. Trying to figure out what to say or do can often feel like a guessing game. Which is why I greatly admire people who show compassion and adeptness at comforting others. It is a rare skill, I think, and I feel fortunate enough to say that I have encountered such a person once in an hour of need; a person who because of such a selfless act of love remains a good friend today. And from the beginning, I have always imagined Liara as one of those people. A person of great compassion who has a talent for setting things right. It may seem at times that Liara's role in this chapter is small (she has very few lines of dialogue), but I assure you, she plays **_**the**_** most significant role.**

**Finally, I am very excited about the next chapter. I have hardly ever addressed the Blitz in these stories, so the next chapter will be making up for that. It is lengthy, however, so I'm introducing it in this chapter, doing the bulk of the story in the next, and then wrapping it up in chapter 8. But more about all that later.**

**On an unrelated note, the reviews from last chapter were a joy to read. Thank you all.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Remembrance**

All Shepard saw was his back as the assassin vaulted up into a waiting car and sped off. She'd gotten a good look at him though while he was fighting Thane: obviously of Asian descent, major modifications made to both his vision and all four limbs, and a specialist at close range combat. More importantly, she had managed to gauge some of his temperament. The assassin was not cut from the same cloth as Thane; instead of calm, detached precision, the man obviously took a sort of sadistic pleasure from killing and hunting down his targets. A murderer for hire, not a finely honed weapon like the drell assassin. If Thane had not been mortally ill, she had little doubt that he would have won their fight.

But that was obviously not the case, and Shepard ran down to the landing pad, skidding to a stop by Thane who sat slumped against the wall. Crouching down, she instinctively applied medigel to the wound through his torso. Her brain began working like a super computer, compartmentalizing all the things that needed her attention. She needed to stop the assassin, needed to help Thane, needed to secure the salarian councilor. When Liara and Garrus came running up behind her, she said, "I need you two to hack into one of these cars. I don't care which. Go!"

They nodded and moved off to find a vehicle. Thane shifted and coughed, and Shepard could see flecks of blood on his hand. "You need to stop the assassin," he urged.

"I need to help my friend," Shepard replied, taking his hand and placing it over the wound and then helping him apply pressure. When he gave her an exasperated look, she added, "I will stop him, Thane. I promise. But I'm going to make sure you get medical attention." Putting a hand to her ear, she hailed the Normandy. "EDI, do you copy?"

"I hear you, Shepard."

"I want you and James to move in on my current location. Retrieve Thane and the salarian councilor and then head to the hospital. Secure that area and get help. Understood?"

"Understood, Commander."

From over by the cars Shepard heard Liara shout, "We have one! Hurry, Shepard!"

Making sure that Thane was still applying pressure to the wound, Shepard said, "I'll promise to stop him if you promise to stay alive, ok? I'll come see you as soon as I can."

Thane grimaced and nodded.

Rising to her feet, Shepard jumped into the waiting vehicle and tore off after the assassin. She had a promise to keep.

~.~.~.~.~

"Have I ever mentioned how much I hate elevators?" Shepard asked, casting a skeptical glance at the inside chute of the presidium elevator system. Garrus and Liara stood on either side of her, and behind them the Citadel was burning. So much for C-sec's new security measures; Cerberus had just waltzed in and thrown everything into chaos in seconds. And now Shepard had to perform the same old song and dance by rescuing the councilors. Again.

Garrus also seemed less than thrilled to hop on top of an elevator and chase down Cerberus. "I think I recall you saying something like that back at Project Overlord," he replied dryly.

Counting off on her fingers, Shepard said, "Overlord, that time when Sovereign attacked the Citadel, the super slow one on the Normandy, the whole damn Citadel in general... did I forget any?"

"Just one," Garrus answered, tiptoeing towards the opening of the shaft and peering up. "I'll bet you anything this one will really make you hate elevators."

"Commander, I've gained control of the elevators," Bailey's voice said over the radio. "I'll try to get you to the council before Kai Leng. You need to hurry."

Sighing, Shepard motioned for her squad to follow her into the shaft and gave Bailey the ok to go. The elevator lurched upwards, wind rushing past and causing Shepard's eyes to water. The chute itself looked infinitely long and on either side she could see Cerberus elevators gaining on them. Turning back to Garrus, Shepard frowned and said, "It's never really felt like a victory being right about this stuff, has it?"

Checking the scope of his sniper rifle, Garrus shook his head. "Not in the slightest."

~.~.~.~.~

Leaving the hospital room, Shepard felt suddenly angry that she didn't have pockets to stuff her hands into. It was completely irrational, she knew, but for some reason the thought enraged her. She wanted to slink off with her hands in her pockets, shoulders hunched, expression dark, and just wallow in her misery for an hour or so. Crazy. The sudden urge to act like a dramatic teenager was completely crazy, but it was all she wanted to do.

Instead, she let her hands hang down by her sides and her armor prevented her from being able to hunch. She hadn't bothered to change after rescuing the council, opting to rush to the hospital instead. So she walked straight down the hall looking like she always did. Commander Shepard: super human, savoir. Who had she saved today though? Certainly not Thane. Despite everything she had done, she had still had to watch her friend die. Also not Udina. That smug bastard was dead by her own hand - she hadn't even flinched at pulling the trigger. The second she saw his hand reach for the gun she had raised her own pistol in a single fluid motion, dropping him like a sack of flour. The council? Had she saved them? Not the salarian councilor; that was Thane's work. The other two, maybe, but she didn't know how much good that really did her. Today felt like a loss.

Exiting the main area and out into the lobby, Shepard was surprised to see a familiar face sitting in a chair facing her. Liara rose to her feet when she saw the commander and slowly approached. She searched Shepard's face, registering the dark mood etched across the human's features and said, "I am so sorry, Shepard."

Shepard didn't know what to say. She thought about asking why Liara had come, but she knew the answer. Given the commander's past methods of dealing with loss, the asari was no doubt worried about leaving her alone. She thought about saying something about Thane, something inspirational to honor his memory, but Liara had never known the drell. The words would just ring hollow to her. So instead she said, "Let's take a walk."

Liara followed quietly as Shepard led them out of the hospital and picked a direction at random to start walking. Around them fires were still burning in places, the Citadel still on high alert, but Shepard paid it all little mind. She flexed her hands restlessly, wishing again that she were wearing regular clothes instead of her armor so that she had pockets to stuff her hands into. Noticing the commander's unease, Liara interlaced her right hand with Shepard's, which helped some.

But Shepard's thoughts were back in the hospital room. Part of her had felt like an intruder, standing shoulder to shoulder with Thane's son and watching the assassin die. She barely knew Kolyat. In truth, she knew Thane only a little better by comparison. He'd been quiet, hardly forthcoming with personal information, but he had been her friend all the same. He'd bled for her, trusted her, watched her back. And she had given him so little in return. What right did she have to intrude upon his final moments? What right did she have to stand next to his son and say goodbye?

But there had been no one else. The drell had loved so few people in his life. There would be no elaborate funeral for Thane, no long line of mourners, no thanks for all the lives he had helped save. She felt wretched. She felt as if she had failed him. And it didn't help that his death came right on the heels of having to say goodbye to Mordin. All the galaxy was counting on her and she couldn't even save either of her friends. So much was riding on her shoulders, but she didn't know if she could be half as brave or selfless as Thane or Mordin had been. In the end, both of their final thoughts had been to try to comfort her.

Liara watched Shepard quietly, concern etched across every inch of her face. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Tell me about Thane."

Shepard cast Liara a curious look, doubtful that the asari would really care to hear about a drell she had never known. Still, she found that the words came easily, as if she had been waiting to say them for a long time. "I remember when I first met him, he told me that he was dying. I hardly believed it at the time. He had just cleared a room single handedly, and he seemed so strong and sure of himself. He actually seemed eager to join our mission." She pictured him seated in the life support room, always in his head, always thinking. "He told me once that he was glad he had met me. Glad that he had made a friend before he died. I told him that there were a lot of other people on the ship too. That he should meet them. He said he would, but I knew he was lying. So one day I rushed into his room and told him that I needed his help immediately. He followed me without question. I led him to Samara's room and he was so confused. He asked me why I had dragged him out of his room. I introduced him to Samara, who also had a spiritual side like him, and they hit it off. They became fast friends after that." Sighing, Shepard added, "I suppose I will need to send her a message and tell her that he's gone."

Liara continued to urge Shepard to talk about Thane. The more she talked about him, the better she felt. With every word a weight was lifted from her shoulders and her heart. She felt strangely at peace by the time she had finished. She felt a sudden sense of closure. By that time they had found their way back to the Normandy, and Shepard drew Liara into a tight embrace.

"Thank you," she whispered. "I'm ok now. Really."

Liara just hugged her back tightly - the solid source of comfort that Shepard needed.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard paced outside of Liara's office, approaching the door periodically, raising her hand to open it, and then deciding against it and retreating back a distance. The crew that had already been gathered in the mess hall when she arrived watched her curiously, but said nothing at her erratic behavior. Sometimes the commander raised her omnitool and checked the date, cursing under her breath each time she realized that it hadn't changed. She ran her hands over her hair several times and straightened her officer's jacket, all while casting baleful glances at the door.

She could still change her mind and talk to Chakwas instead, she knew, but she had decided that it would be better to confide in Liara - although not easier. If Cerberus hadn't attacked the Citadel, she could have gone another year without really talking about it. She could have gone another year just giving a psychiatrist the slip. But she couldn't do that with Liara.

Taking a deep breath and steeling her resolve, Shepard forced herself to open the door and walk into Liara's office. The asari smiled when she entered and said, "Hello, Shepard. What do you need?"

Making sure the door had shut behind her, Shepard said, "Are you busy right now?" Part of her secretly hoped that Liara would say yes so that she would have an excuse to turn around and leave.

But Liara said, "No, not that busy." Then noticing the look on Shepard's face she added, "Is everything all right?"

Shepard gestured towards the living space in the back of the room. "Could we talk for a minute?"

Nodding, Liara followed Shepard and they both sat on the edge of the bed. Shepard wrung her hands as she racked her brain on how to start this conversation. Deciding that the beginning would be best, she said, "You know about the Blitz, right? About my involvement?"

Tilting her head, Liara said, "Yes, of course. I know that is when you really made a name for yourself in the Alliance. You were awarded the Star of Terra. The youngest person in history to win it, if I remember correctly."

"Youngest living," Shepard corrected out of habit. "Well, today is the anniversary of the Blitz. And every year I have a promise I have to keep. But with the attack on the Citadel, it's hard for me to keep my promise this year."

"What is the promise?"

_She's going to think I'm crazy_, Shepard thought. "On the anniversary of the Blitz I have to see a psychiatrist. Usually I just visit one on the Citadel, but after the attack offices aren't exactly open right now. And I don't have time to get anywhere else. God, I never thought I'd miss having Kelly around."

"You hate psychiatrists," Liara pointed out. "Why would you visit one?"

"It's kind of a punishment," Shepard admitted. "It's..." She struggled to say it. The shame of admitting such a thing to Liara felt almost too much to bear. "It's a penance for... for breaking a different promise."

Liara looked as surprised as Shepard had expected. "You always keep your promises."

Averting her eyes, Shepard said, "All but one."

Liara shook her head. "You never told me... I guess we have never talked about the Blitz. That part has always been tightly guarded in your mind." She mulled it over for a second before saying, "So, what are you going to do if you cannot fulfill your promise this year?"

"I still have to do the best I can to keep my promise. Which means talking to someone aboard the Normandy, and only you and Chakwas are doctors, so I decided it has to be between you two. And like you said, we've never talked about this so... so I think I need to tell you."

Taking Shepard's hand in hers, Liara said, "Are you sure? You seem like you do not want to talk about it."

"I don't. But I have to. It was my first real failure as a leader. And they gave me a damn medal for it."

"Shepard, you do not need to be so hard on yourself..."

Shepard shook her head. "No, I do. As much as I'd like to forget, I have to remember. I need to keep this promise."

Frowning out of concern, Liara said, "Ok, start at the beginning. Tell me everything."


	7. We Shall Not Be Here Tomorrow

**Fun story about this chapter: it has been written (at least in a rough draft form) for a long time. I believe I started writing this particular chapter back when I was working on "Sub Specie Aeternitatis." The obvious question you're probably now thinking is "Um, why?" The answer, as you might suspect if you've become familiar with my work, is that I am an obsessive writer. I'm a stickler for accuracy and depth, and so it seemed logical for me to know everything about Sophia's life. This meant that I needed to be familiar with all major parts of her life, including the massacre on Mindoir and The Blitz. So, I wrote out the entirety of the story of the Blitz and filed it away to have for my own personal reference. While I have always liked how the story turned out, at the time it really did not fit into the story I was trying to tell, and I am against trying to shoehorn something that doesn't fit. So, unfortunately The Blitz sat unused for a long time. It wasn't until I started working on "Never Again" that I realized that this side story had become relevant and I had an opportunity to incorporate it. I jumped at the chance to finally share this segment of Shepard's life, and I hope you will all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**For those of my readers who are sticklers for accuracy as I am, let me go ahead and preemptively explain what may at first seem like a mistake. Those familiar with the war hero background may know that the typical story of the Blitz for Shepard was that she was on shore leave at the time and prevented batarian forces from overrunning the colony during their surprise attack. What you may not know (and I did not until I looked up the specific codex entry) is that if Shepard is also a colonist, then the description of the Blitz changes in the smallest, yet somewhat significant way. The codex entry omits the detail of Shepard being on shore leave. I found this omission perplexing and interesting, and decided to take advantage of it and run with it. Yet, looking at the information for Elysium, it was obvious why Shepard would be on shore leave. Such a secure colony would have no need for an elite operative like Shepard; my problem then became explaining exactly why she was stationed there. Which is why I've come up with my compromise of having her in a strange limbo stage in her career. You'll see what I mean. My point is that this strange omission in the codex was the inspiration for the majority of this story - a happy occurrence for me.**

**I hope you enjoy this look into Shepard's past - of the only promise she broke and the mistakes she made while becoming who she is.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**We Shall Not Be Here Tomorrow**

"Doc said you skipped your appointment again today," Melief said, looming just behind the young ensign's back, arms crossed and a long-suffering expression on her face. The ensign, a dark haired woman in her early twenties with a solitary air about her, didn't acknowledge the words. Instead she continued to sit at the workbench and reassemble the sniper rifle in front of her. Melief went on unfazed. "You know, I wouldn't care except he keeps coming to me to complain about it. And quite frankly, I'm sick of hearing about you all day. So, do me a favor and just go to your damn sessions."

Although she put on an annoyed tone, both soldiers knew that Melief wasn't really upset with the young ensign. Shepard could be a pain in the ass sometimes, and she had a knack for drawing their superiors' unwanted attentions, but she was a good friend. Besides, they'd been in the same N7 class, and N7 marines stuck together.

Shepard finally shrugged and said, "I was busy."

Melief sniffed loudly. "Busy, my ass. Everyone knows you avoid that shrink like the plague. But like it or not, Shepard, he's the reason you're here."

Shepard noticeably bristled at that, shoulders tensing and her hands fumbling at the practiced routine of reassembly. Melief hated bringing the subject up, but Shepard needed a kick in the ass. She didn't dare say more than she already had though. Shepard's rage was a narrow ledge to walk: one toe over the edge and there was no returning. Shepard turned on the stool to study her fellow marine, violet eyes narrowing. Melief, a Dutch woman with short, blonde hair and calm, blue eyes had been her friend for many years, but there were some things Shepard never talked about.

Not that the information was secret. Everyone knew that Shepard had been reassigned to Elysium specifically so that she could be evaluated by Dr. Connor, the resident military psychiatrist. Her superiors were concerned that her experiences on Mindoir had affected her temper, and they were fearful of the possibility of her going berserk during a mission. There had been enough close calls of her almost breaking command to chase down an enemy or recklessly throwing herself into a firefight that her superiors had begun to worry. They'd practically bundled her onto a ship bound for Elysium in order for her to be evaluated for PTSD as well as receive anger management. Additionally, there was some interest in her biotic abilities, as moderate as they were, and that those skills only seemed to manifest themselves during combat. The Alliance had tried several times to place Shepard into formal training to hone her biotic skills, but were left frustrated when she could not utilize her biotics in a controlled setting. Dr. Connor had been tasked with trying to fix that problem as well.

Shepard, however, did her best to avoid the doctor. The idea of a stranger learning intimate details of her life, writing them down somewhere, and then trying to fix her, made her want to snarl with disgust. Still, her defiance was itself a punishment; it meant that she was stuck on Elysium, which meant she was nearly bored to tears. Unlike Melief, who was currently a recruitment officer for the N7 program, Shepard had nothing to really occupy her time. Elysium was a large human colony, although almost half the population was made up of aliens, that served as a training ground for Alliance recruits. The peaceful colony had no need for an N7 marine and since her only reason for being assigned there was to see Dr. Connor, the local command structure had no use for her. The only officers on the planet were the recruit division commanders, or representatives who were recruiting for others programs, and with the exception of Melief, Shepard outranked most of the other soldiers at the base. Not for the first time, she wondered if she should offer to help Melief with her recruiting, but she knew her friend would just tell her to fake the anger management classes and get reassigned elsewhere. If only it were that easy.

"Maybe I'll go tomorrow," Shepard said with a shrug.

Melief didn't look as if she believed her, but she just said, "I'll meet you in the mess for dinner at 1800." She started to walk away and Shepard reluctantly returned to her reassembly when Melief suddenly called over her shoulder. "If you're looking for something to do, you can meet me at the gate in an hour. I'm going out to the Mud Pit to look at some possible recruits. I wouldn't mind your input."

Shepard smiled to herself, relieved to have something to do. "I'll meet you at the gate."

~.~.~.~.~

The main entrance to the military base was really the main entrance to the colony itself. Since Elysium was on the frontier, the colony had grown up around the base so that it was sometimes hard to tell what belonged to the Alliance and what was part of the privatized sector. In many ways the private sector thrived off the military presence, with businesses tailored towards the new recruits who constantly arrived at the colony for training. The city was safely enclosed by military outposts and surrounded by a five mile radius of security fence. Other than the layout of the city and military installations, however, it often felt like Elysium was not actually out in the verge, but rather securely in Alliance space.

Melief and Shepard set off from the main gate dressed only in light armor, and only wore that much armor because it was regulation to do so. They also had their full assortment of weapons despite the lack of need. If the Alliance did not insist on these precautions because of the colony's location on the edge of human territory, no one would have left the city with more than a pistol at their side and wearing casual fatigues. Elysium had such a feeling of security and orderliness that it was hard not to feel complacent at times.

They walked because the Mud Pit was only about a mile down the road and there was no hurry to be anywhere on Elysium. Shepard just felt thankful to have something to do, even if she knew Melief didn't really need her help. The Mud Pit, an obstacle course known for seeming to be constantly muddy even if it hadn't rained in days - Shepard knew that the instructors simply pumped water out there if need be - was where the new recruits drilled. Sometimes they performed team work drills, sometimes they just suffered for some kind of infraction, and sometimes they competed in order to pick out recruits with exceptional talent. Shepard suspected the latter was scheduled for today since Melief was bothering to go out and take a look. The N7 program always picked their recruits based on physical or mental prowess.

"So, where are you hoping they send you after they move you from Elysium?" Melief asked as they made their way down the dirt road.

"Anywhere is better than here," Shepard answered with a shrug. "I've heard rumors that the batarians are building their forces though. Other rumors that they are targeting humanity. I've also heard that the Alliance is building a bunch of new ships to answer that threat. So maybe I'll see if I can get put on one of those."

Melief gave her a side-long glance and then shook her head with a chuckle. "You know, most people would use their time here like an extra shore leave and just enjoy the downtime for a while. You have to be the only person I know who sees it as a burden and can't wait to throw yourself back into the fire. You really do seem to go looking for danger."

Shepard grinned and turned her palms up as if to suggest she'd been caught. "What can I say?" Then, with a dramatic tone she added, "Some are born to peace and joy, and some are born to sorrow, but only for a day as we shall not be here tomorrow."

Melief sighed. "I see you're still reciting poetry. I know you must think you're awfully cute when you do it, but really, no one else gets what you're saying."

Shepard just laughed; she'd heard this complaint from Melief many times. "Some people have more imagination than a rock," she shot back playfully. Then with a shrug she added, "Besides, there have been many poets who were soldiers. A lot of poetry is applicable to the military. I think it's comforting and something beautiful to hang on to."

"It's only applicable because so much of it has to do with death. And that's just depressing, Shepard, not beautiful."

An indulgent smile spread across the ensign's lips. "Study to deserve Death, they only may who fought well upon their earthly day, who never sheathed their swords or ran away."

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Melief raised her hands in surrender. "Arguing with you is a waste of time."

The pair chatted about other things the rest of the way, reminiscing about their days in the N7 program and exchanging information about old friends. When they arrived at the Mud Pit, a small crowd had already gathered around the obstacle course, comprised entirely of workers from the nearby transportation hub. The course sat at the edge of the perimeter, the gate leading out to the air field within sight and the transportation hub only a quarter of a mile up the road. The workers sometimes stopped by the Mud Pit to watch the trainees struggle through the course, all the while placing bets on which soldier would finish first as if they were at a horse race. The instructors didn't seem to mind the onlookers because the scrutiny placed another level of pressure on the recruits to do well.

Just ahead of the course was a tower for military personnel to observe the training exercises. A simple structure made from long planks of wood, it rose about thirty feet high and had a narrow corridor at the top that stretched another thirty feet long so that the structure looked like a large square out in the woods. Melief and Shepard climbed the ladder on the right end up to the empty space at the top. Long, open slats looked out over the training ground where a group of recruits were warming up while an instructor yelled nearby.

Melief pointed towards the recruits and said, "Why don't we make a bet?"

"What?" Shepard asked with a disinterested tone. "Like those transportation workers, on who will finish first?"

Melief gave a sly grin. "No, something much more interesting. There are twenty recruits down there. I'm only here to look at three in particular. Three that the program has been keeping an eye on for a while. I'm curious to see if you can pick out which three."

Shepard immediately perked up, a sudden interest shining in her eyes. She studied the group of recruits for a minute and then turned to Melief with an eyebrow raised. "And what would be the stakes?"

"We'll watch the race, then you'll get one guess at who the three are. If you guess wrong, then you have to go to your therapy session tomorrow, no excuses. But, if you guess right, then I'll personally make an excuse for you tomorrow and give it to Dr. Connor. Sound fair?"

Grinning widely, Shepard said, "Deal."

Both marines stared down at the course as the recruits lined up at the starting point. Red flags marked the path of the course and which obstacles the soldiers had to complete in the race. Shepard was surprised to see one of the high walls, an obstacle that required team work to complete, was part of the race; it added an interesting contradiction by requiring teamwork in a competition where only a select few could finish first.

As the soldiers took off, the mass of bodies began to stretch out as some pulled ahead and the others dropped behind. About four soldiers quickly took the lead, then a little ways behind the majority ran in a bunch, and three recruits brought up the rear. Shepard watched the lead four with interest. Originally they had all taken off with energy and battled one another to take the lead, but now three of the recruits slowed, managing their pace to an easy lope as they no doubt contemplated the problem of the high wall. One of the four, however, seemed unfazed and began lengthening the distance between himself and the other three. He tackled each obstacle in front of him with a dogged determinedness and an abundance of physical aptitude.

As the others made their way through the obstacles in his dust, the lead recruit approached the high wall without breaking his stride. Shepard watched with intense curiosity as he ran towards the wall at full speed. Just as she thought he would collide with the wall, he leapt at the vertical surface and ran up the side, gaining just enough height to extend his right arm and latch onto the edge at the top. While Shepard's eyes widened in shock, the man didn't so much as pause, pulling himself up with little difficulty and continuing on his way.

Nodding in approval and pointing at the young man, Shepard said, "Him. He's definitely one of the three." The N7 program, while it trained marines to be intelligent and resourceful, also recruited most of the physically adept soldiers. Half of what the N7 marines were about was physical superiority, the rest were the skills needed by a leader among soldiers. The young recruit she saw before her eyes at that moment would no doubt be snatched up by the program.

Melief grinned and said, "That's one. Two more to go."

Returning her attention to the other recruits, Shepard saw that the other three pack leaders had reached the wall. No doubt they could not match the other man's skill at climbing the wall alone and the issue became how they could help one another while still maintaining their own edge. As they stood, crippled by indecision, the rest of the group was closing the distance. Among the three at the wall there were two men and one woman, and the woman suddenly seemed to take charge. She made a few gestures with her hands and said something to the two men, who nodded immediately. Shepard watched as the woman and one of the men helped boost the third man up to the wall. He pulled himself up and then turned around and offered his hand to the next person. The woman again helped boost the other man, who gripped the first man's hand. Both men then clearly offered to help the woman up, but she shooed them away with her hands and stood waiting for the rest of the group to arrive at the wall.

As the other two continued on the course, the woman waited and began directing the rest of the recruits on how to help one another climb the wall. By the group's body language it seemed clear that they were use to following this woman's orders and none of the recruits seemed to bat an eye at her taking command. In every group of soldiers there seemed to be an individual who naturally took the lead and the rest of the soldiers learned to turn to that individual for direction. The woman would no doubt make a fine leader, a fine officer.

Pointing, Shepard said, "There's the second one. The woman taking command by the high wall."

Melief craned her neck to look and nodded her agreement. "Yes, that's two down." Then with a mischievous smile she added, "That just leaves one more and you win."

Melief's calm self-assuredness troubled Shepard; what did her friend know that she didn't? The first two recruits were fairly easy to pick out; would the third really be that difficult to spot? Perhaps the last one was an odd choice? Not a typical N7 recruit?

Studying the remaining soldiers, Shepard tried to think what traits the N7 program would be looking for. The man in the lead of the race had already finished and the other two men were just reaching the end. One had managed to easily take second place by a few seconds, while the other had to settle for third. The rest of the soldiers seemed rather average, following the one woman's instructions to climb the wall and then heading for the finish line at a reasonable pace. The three recruits bringing up the rear were just reaching the wall. Shepard blinked rapidly. No, only two of the three were reaching the wall. The third had fallen much farther behind and seemed to be jogging at a leisurely speed.

Shepard's eyes focused on him at the same time that the instructor stalked towards him, shouting at him to move his lazy ass. The recruit seemed to ignore the instructor for a while until the other man began shouting right in his ear. To Shepard's surprise, the recruit stopped and turned to face the instructor, screaming right back. Her initial thought was that the man must be an absolute idiot. Back talking to an instructor - not to mention yelling - was a sure way to make your life during training a living hell.

Shepard was about to shift her attention back to the rest of the recruits when a sudden thought struck her. The kind of recruits who fought back were either complete morons or people with a lot of pride and stubbornness to match. Most of the time these people didn't make good soldiers until they were broken, but in some rare cases... an indomitable spirit could be molded into a great soldier. Was this young man one of those cases?

She shot a glance at Melief, who still had that confident smile on her face, arms folded just beneath her chest. Could this be why she was so poised? Was this man one of those rare cases? Growing increasingly pleased with herself, Shepard thought, _She thought I wouldn't see it. Who would have suspected the N7 program would recruit the lazy, trouble maker? Well, I'm on to your game._

Trying to hide her satisfied grin, Shepard pointed to the man, still fighting the instructor, and said, "Him. He's the third one."

Melief glanced out the window without moving so much as an inch. The smile never faltered from her lips; in fact, it grew. "Wrong."

In contrast, Shepard's expression immediately fell and she gaped openly. "What?" she sputtered. "Then who?"

"The man who finished in second, of course."

Shepard tried to argue, but there was nothing she could say. So, the lazy, trouble maker really was just that: an idiot. With no one else exhibiting leadership skills, the program would just recruit from the most physically talented, which in this case was the man who had finished in second. His time was not much behind the first place finisher after all.

Melief obviously knew that Shepard was putting all the pieces together, and shook her head. "I knew you would over think it, Shepard." Chuckling, she added, "It's just like with your poetry - always looking for all that hidden meaning. Sometimes a river is just a river. And sometimes a bad recruit is just a bad recruit. In fact, most of the time that's the case."

Shepard opened her mouth to admit that she had lost and that she would honor her word to go to the therapy session the next day, but before she could form the words the ground suddenly heaved beneath her. Thrown into Melief, the two marines toppled to the floor of the observation tower, the wooden support beams groaning audibly, the floorboards beneath them rippling like waves. But the only sound Shepard could hear was a loud thud followed by a high pitched ringing. An explosion.

Instincts taking over, she leaped to her feet, drawing her pistol and ducking behind the slatted windows. The Mud Pit had been virtually torn apart by a bombshell, the obstacle course laying in a thousand splinters. She spotted some torn limbs immediately, whoever was unlucky enough to have been close enough to the explosion when it happened, but she also saw a good number of the recruits limping away from the impact crater and several of the dock workers as well. Studying the missile, she determined that it was from a long range weapon meaning they had time before ground forces closed in. Enough time to gather the survivors and hunker down for an assault.

"Melief!" she called over her shoulder. "The civilians!"

Melief was already at the ladder. "Got it!" she shouted back and disappeared from sight. Shepard followed after quickly, practically sliding down the rails of the ladder and running as soon as her feet hit the ground. Melief had torn off towards the dock workers to secure them, so Shepard focused her attention on the recruits. She would need to rally them for the upcoming fight.

She counted them quickly, sixteen survivors plus their sergeant. Adding herself and Melief, that meant nineteen soldiers to hold off the invaders and no time to build defenses, not to mention civilians to protect. All the recruits had huddled together at the edge of the bomb crater and watched her approach with large, shell-shocked eyes. _No_, Shepard corrected herself, disappointment settling over her heart. _Not nineteen soldiers. These kids are too young, too inexperienced. Three experienced soldiers and a bunch of kids is all we have to work with._

"With me!" she commanded, gesturing for them to come over to her. They obeyed immediately, crowding around, their eyes hungry for guidance and answers. "Where are your weapons?"

"We have the recruits store them in a locker over by that building, Ma'am," the sergeant answered quickly, pointing to a small cinderblock hovel at the edge of the field.

Jabbing her finger at the recruits closest to her, Shepard said, "You five, go retrieve all the weapons. And hurry."

"Yes, Ma'am," they said in unison and ran off.

Scanning the remaining faces, Shepard formed an outline of a plan in her mind. "You two," she said, pointing at the young men who had come in first and second in the race, "I need you two to run back to headquarters and tell them what happened here. Tell them that Lt. Melief has the command here, and Ensign Shepard has the second. We command about fifteen soldiers and have civilians as well. We've suffered an attack from long range artillery and a few casualties. The enemy is unknown. We will hold this position, but request reinforcements. Now, repeat that all back to me." She listened two times until they repeated back exactly what she had said, then nudged them towards the road. "Go. And run as fast as you can. You don't need to stay together."

They both took off without further urging and soon disappeared behind the trees. Shepard saw Melief rounding up the civilians and herding them towards the watchtower, just as the other five recruits returned and began distributing weapons. Once they were all armed, Shepard led them back to regroup with Melief.

"I sent two runners," Shepard told her friend.

Melief just nodded. "I have seven civilians alive. Two died in the blast." Casting a doubtful glance at the troops, she added, "Shepard, we can't protect non-combatants here."

"We can't lose any more soldiers," Shepard pointed out. "We've only got seventeen total right now, and we don't know anything about the enemy. It is too dangerous to send an escort back - they'll be too slow. Sitting ducks." Then, noticing the recruits all staring at them, fear etched across their features, Shepard snapped at them, "What are you all doing standing around staring? Take up defensive positions and watch the trees. The enemy will be on us any minute." They leaped to obey, the sergeant shouting orders, leaving the two marines to formulate some sort of plan.

"They're in even more danger here," Melief said, picking up the line of their argument. "We don't have anywhere to shelter them."

"What about that outpost building? It's not the best defense, but the walls will stop bullets at least..."

As Melief mulled it over, the sound of gunfire erupted nearby. Both marines instinctively pressed their backs against the side of the watchtower wall. The ratta-tat-tat of assault rifles continued in heated bursts and the recruits shouted about enemies closing in. Shepard was closer to the edge of the wall and peered around the corner. Recruits took cover behind the obstacles and fired at shadows in the trees. Shepard saw some of the figures fall, but there were more to take their places, creeping through the cover of the woods. They were humanoid in shape, but that could encompass several species; there was no way to tell who their attackers were yet. Shepard told Melief as much as the other marine ushered the civilians to take cover behind the wall.

The enemy closed in and began returning fire on the troops. Shepard saw a young man get caught almost immediately as he tried to duck back into cover, but instead his shields were sliced through by several shots. Shepard unslung her sniper rifle from her back holster and lined up a shot. The bullet pierced one of the enemy combatants square between the eyes and he dropped like a heavy sack. Melief ran to the other end of the wall and performed the same function, taking shots at the approaching enemy. The combined fire of all their soldiers stopped the enemy's advance, pinning them down behind the cover of the trees, and for a moment Shepard though Melief would call for them to advance at any second, but then she saw the dark object flying out of the woods to land with a bounce on the training grounds.

The words were out of her mouth before it even settled on the ground. "Grenade!"

She saw the recruits throw themselves on the ground and cover their heads, but instead of an explosion, a black cloud erupted from the grenade, filling the air with noxious gas. Shepard covered her face behind her arm, narrowing her eyes against the spreading cloud. None of them had helmets - no one ever thought to carry them on Elysium; the colony was so secure, or so they had thought. She heard coughing fill the air and the panicked shifting of weapons as the soldiers tried in vain to find the enemy. Biting off a curse, Shepard re-holstered her sniper rifle, knowing it would be useless now, and opted for her pistol.

Then the gunfire broke out again, filling the black smoke with vibrant flashes of yellow, orange, and red. She couldn't see the recruits anymore which made shooting at anything that moved out of the question. Marking where she had last seen the closest recruit to her, Shepard made a run for the spot. She slid into cover inside a small ditch, mud splashing as she landed. Crouching low so that her head wasn't exposed, she crawled to her right to where she thought the recruit might be. The mud sucked at her armor and spit up at her face as she moved, creating more noise than she would have liked, but the training ground was a cacophony of sound at that point. If she could find the nearest recruit, then they could secure this position together and proceed to press forward. They would have to gather support as they went.

She found the recruit bleeding face down in the mud.

Instinct saved her then: knowing that if there was a hunted then there must be a hunter. She rolled onto her back and raised her pistol in time to fire two shots right through the chest of an enemy emerging out of the darkness. He fell into the mud and lay cradled in the ditch. This close, Shepard could tell immediately that the enemy had a _distinctly_ humanoid shape. Correctly proportioned legs, arms and chest. The helmeted head was circular, not elongated like a turian's visor. He also had a flat chest, ruling out asari or salarian. In one glance Shepard knew that he was either human or...

Snarling, Shepard crawled over to the corpse and ripped off the helmet. Four lifeless eyes stared up at her and her snarl turned into full-throated growl. "Batarians."

She was only vaguely aware of the blue fire racing up her arms and spreading across her entire body. The biotic energy filled her with power, with the strength to exact justice. Standing, she took out her shotgun, wishing she had an axe or something even more brutal instead. She was an angel or demon of revenge. It didn't matter which.

She found her first victim advancing on two recruits taking cover behind one of the high walls. He turned at her approach, but his bullets halted before her biotic barrier. Shepard still lacked the formal training to properly control her abilities, but in her battle rage her body seemed to instinctively know how to use her powers. He fired at her futilely as she quickly closed the distance and blew a hole through his head with her shotgun.

Wiping away the blood and bits of brain on her face, she turned and sought out her next target. The two recruits blinked after her a moment and then quickly followed. In a matter of minutes she had a contingent of soldiers following her, helping as she exterminated every batarian she could find. By the time the smoke cleared there wasn't a single enemy soldier left, but Shepard still crackled with biotic energy, searching for something to use it on.

Melief approached her, muttering curses and said, "Shepard, calm down! They're dead. You need to let go of your biotics or you'll waste your energy." Bioitics, while extremely useful, had the drawback of using up vast amounts of a person's energy in a relatively small amount of time. With years of practice and great control, a biotic could stay in a battle for hours. Yet with zero practice or control, like Shepard, the person would burn out in a matter of minutes.

Shepard barely heard her superior officer's order. "I'll chase them into the woods," she decided and took a step towards the trees.

Melief grabbed her arm roughly and pulled her back. "No. Stand down, Ensign. That's an order."

Cold, violet eyes turned on Melief instantly and Shepard flared with biotics. "They killed everyone," Shepard said in a low, dangerous voice that promised anyone who got in her way of revenge would die.

But Melief stood her ground and calmly said, "No, Shepard, most of us are alive. I'm still here. You're still here. But if you waste all your energy fueling biotics that you don't know how to use, then we won't live much longer. Now, stand down."

Coming out of her battle rage was always like coming out of a deep sleep. Her head felt foggy for a minute and she felt suddenly weaker as her biotics faded. Blinking rapidly, Shepard focused on Melief. "I'm-" she began to say, but her friend cut her off.

"Sorry? Don't be. You probably saved our asses with your ride on the crazy train." Shaking her head she added, "Though I have to admit it's been a long time since I've seen you like that. God, I forgot how scary you can be sometimes."

The sergeant came running up to them, a gash on his head causing blood to ooze down his face. "I've counted six casualties," he reported gravely.

"That leaves eleven of us," Shepard whispered.

"And that was just their vanguard probably," Melief added. She peered past them to where the civilians were peeking out from behind the watchtower wall. "I want those civilians off the front," she said in a tone that brooked no argument.

"That means sending an escort back with them, Ma'am," the sergeant pointed out.

The line of Melief's jaw was tight as she thought. "We'll send three soldiers to protect the civilians. Hopefully they can make it up the road before the enemy advances too far. Shepard, I want you to pick the escort team. Sergeant, you come with me and help me with this terrain. I need to know what kind of defenses we have at our disposal."

As the blonde woman and the sergeant moved off, Shepard studied the remaining recruits. They stared back at her with a mixture of awe and fear; no doubt a result of seeing her battle rage firsthand. She wondered how much they knew about her. Had they heard about the N7 marine shipped to Elysium because everyone was afraid that she was a time bomb and they had no idea how to defuse her? Did they know that her superiors were afraid that one day Shepard would go berserk in the field and kill friend and foe alike, unable to tell the difference?

Pushing those thoughts aside, Shepard considered her options for the escort team instead. Instinct told her that if she had to lose three soldiers, then she should get rid of the weakest and leave the strong to help defend this position. Her eyes rested on the trouble maker from before, who somehow had survived the initial wave. Yet, her oath of service immediately rang in her ears. _Protect the weak. Fight for humanity so that others don't have to._

She would have to send a team that could function on its own and make smart decisions if thrown into a sticky situation. Her eyes went to the young woman from earlier who had effectively commanded her comrades at the high wall. After sending off the other two potential N7 candidates, Shepard was loathe to part with the last of the three, but the young woman was the best and the civilians deserved the best to protect them.

She selected two other recruits at random, since she had no idea about their qualifications. After giving the three soldiers their orders and placing the young woman in command, Shepard sent them on their way. At that point, Melief returned, carrying a metal ammunition box under one arm. She quickly directed the five remaining recruits to take up defensive positions.

Turning to Shepard, she said, "The sergeant will go with you up into the watchtower to snipe. You were always best with a sniper rifle and he can give you support. I will stay down here to keep the troops organized."

"This field provides little cover," Shepard pointed out. "It will be too difficult to defend this position. We should fall back." That was against protocol. Her superior had given her an order, not asked for an argument, but Shepard had refused to obey. Part of it was because Melief was her friend; they rarely observed the formal chain of command with one another. But the other part was because Shepard thought she knew better. She wanted to win. She wanted to see the batarians pay for their mistake.

Melief shook her head. "No, we can't. You know how batarians operate as well as I do. They are probably bombarding HQ with gunships as we speak, while ground troops try to close in. This is the only road leading into Elysium. If we hold this road, then they can't get any vehicles or heavy mechs in. If we fall, Elysium may fall too. We have to wait for reinforcements."

"You'll be a sitting duck out there," Shepard said, anger and fear for her friend creeping into her voice.

Yet, Melief just smiled and lifted the lid of the ammunition box in her arms. "That's what these are for." She had a cache of grenades tucked away inside. "The sergeant was good enough to show me where these were hidden."

Shepard frowned. "We're going to lose people, Melief. These kids deserve to at least finish their training before laying down their lives. You should fall back and leave me here. They're batarians, so I should be able to slip back into my battle rage without too much trouble. I could hold them off for a while. Buy you some time."

"So eager to get yourself killed," Melief said, annoyance in her voice. "This isn't going to be one battle, Shepard. This is going to be wave after wave. It's going to be grueling. Going out in a single blaze won't help anyone. This is going to be a test of perseverance. You're a nightmare when you get angry, I'll give you that, but your power won't help anyone today." Laying a hand on Shepard's shoulder, she fixed her with a piercing, blue stare. "Promise me that you won't let your anger get the better of you again today. We can't afford to have you burn out. Promise me you will ration out your strength and hold this position with me. Promise me you won't try to use your biotics."

Meeting Melief's gaze, Shepard silently ground her teeth. Her friend was right, she knew, but biting back her anger was not easily done. Her inability to control her rage was the reason she was even on Elysium.

"I promise," she said, with a sigh. "I won't let you down."

Shepard had no idea how quickly her words would prove false. It seemed to happen in an instant. Melief smiled and turned her head to give an order. Her mouth opened, but suddenly her eyes widened and no sound came out. The only sound was the fleshy and sickening thud of a bullet piercing into the woman's back, right where her neck connected with her shoulders. Without a helmet, the shot met zero resistance.

Shepard shouted, "No!" and caught her friend as her body crumpled. The box of grenades fell to the ground, a few spilling out into the dirt, but Shepard's mind was completely focused on Melief. She lowered the woman to the ground, cradling her head in her arms. Her brain felt numb, as if she had taken the bullet instead. She clutched the blonde woman's head against her chest like a mother trying to protect her child, as if she could bring her friend back with will power alone. She stared at nothing, her entire mind fixated on the word "no."

In reality, her indecision must have lasted only a few seconds at the most, but it felt like much longer. When she finally brought herself to look at Melief's face, all it took was one glance to know that Melief was gone. Death had been instant.

_It's my fault, _Shepard realized. _I should have followed her orders without question. I shouldn't have argued with her. If I had just followed her order, she would have had time to get into cover. She's dead because of me._

She could feel fire behind her eyes. She blinked away the burning tears and gently lowered Melief to the ground. Groping for one of the grenades near her, Shepard slowly rose to her feet.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Already she could feel the familiar sparks of biotics energy tingling at her fingertips. _Revenge_. The word pulsed in her brain in rhythm with her biotic frequency. "I can't keep my promise. Just this once, I can't keep it. But I will make it up to you." Turning towards the woods at the far end of the obstacle course, Shepard saw the enemy swarming in towards their position. She pulled the pin from the grenade as an arch of biotic fire lanced up her right arm. Her eyes burned with a blue fury. Taking a few leaping steps forward, she launch the grenade into the air, along with a warp blast so bright it seemed to eclipse the sun. Both landed at the batarian forces' feet, mingling and exploding in a blast that sent a tremor through the ground. For a second, Shepard's vision was blurry from the intensity of the explosion, but in a matter of seconds she saw a crater where the majority of the batarians had been. One enemy was pulling himself away from the carnage with his right arm, his left arm gone from the elbow down. His left leg was also missing and gushing blood; he left a dark, red trail behind him like a slug. One of the recruits put a bullet between his eyes and the rest mopped up the remaining batarians as they tried to flee.

This time Shepard had no trouble releasing her biotics. They left unbidden and she sank to her knees, feeling as if she had run all day in the scorching sun. Piercing hunger gnawed at her insides and her head swam with confusion. She couldn't tell what she wanted more: to eat or to collapse into slumber. Using that much energy for one attack had been reckless, but it had done the job.

The recruits all began inching out of cover and towards her, staring in wide-eyed disbelief. They were terrified of her, she saw. With considerable effort, Shepard struggled to her feet, her head spinning as she did. Clearing her throat, she yelled, "Get back to your positions! They'll send another wave soon. Expect vehicles and heavy weapons. We hold this position at any cost!"

They leaped to obey immediately, scurrying back to their cover. _I'm in command now_, Shepard realized suddenly. _God help us._

Returning to Melief's body, Shepard gathered the remaining grenades. Part of her wanted to do something about her friend's body. There was no time to bury her and there was nothing of hers that Shepard might want to keep to remember her. The only thing she could keep was her word.

Sparing one more look at Melief before taking up her position in the watchtower, Shepard said the only requiem she could think of. "Some are born to peace and joy, and some are born to sorrow, but only for a day as we shall not be here tomorrow."

~.~.~.~.~

Melief had been right, of course. The enemy waves were damn near relentless. The batarian numbers seemed infinite. By the time it was done only the bodies remained, and the charred remnants of the vehicles that had never made it to Elysium. The batarian casualties were high, but the human loss was just as high. Shepard had lost them all; the young men and women who had given their lives for humanity before they had even been given a rank. And it was her fault, she knew. If she had not gotten Melief killed, if she had rationed her strength, if she had not let her mind become clouded by revenge, she might have saved them.

When they found her, she was barely hanging on to consciousness or sanity. As the first soldier reached the top of the mangled ladder up to the watchtower, he found himself engulfed in darkness. The battle had gone well into the night and there were no lights out at what had once been the Mud Pit. After seeing the numerous dead, he did not expect to find a single survivor. Pulling himself up and taking a step down the long corridor that made up the observation port of the tower, he nearly jumped when he heard a faint rustle come from the other end. He raised his assault rifle in a heartbeat and turned on the mounted flashlight.

A simple web of wires crisscrossed along the corridor before him, twinkling in the light like dew in the morning sun. Following the wires to their ends, he found them all connected to the pins of grenades stuck against the wall. A nasty trap if he had continued forward blindly. At the end of the corridor, slumped against the wall, sniper rifle propped against a raised knee, was a single marine. Her head was down, face covered by her disheveled black hair, and her armor looked as if some animal had taken bites out of it. Wrapped around her hand was a wire that tied to all the other wires. For the moment it was slack. Obviously, she had no intention of being taken alive or going out alone.

Cautious of startling her if she _was_ still alive, and thus blowing them both to tiny pieces, the solider spoke as gently as he could. "Are you ok? Are you alive?"

The woman's head rolled to the side so that her chin was partly raised, but lifting her head seemed beyond her power. A deep gash created a vertical line through her right eyebrow, causing blood to flow down her face like a crimson waterfall; although it had long since stopped itself and had caked over her skin. Her violet eyes were heavily dilated and she stared at him as if it took all her energy to concentrate. When her head moved away from her right shoulder, the solider noticed the red and white stripes of the N7 program.

"I need the doctor," she said, her voice so low and weak that he had trouble hearing her.

Agreeing, the solider quickly called down to his companions that he had found a survivor in the tower and that she had made sure no one could get to her. With some help, he cut the wires and gathered the grenades so that a team could safely approach the marine and extract her from the tower. She lost consciousness as they carried her out and got her to a medical shuttle. She didn't regain consciousness until nearly a day later.

Waking up in the medical bay of Elysium Headquarters, Shepard bolted upright and nearly ripped out the IV in her arm. A nurse came over immediately and tried to get the marine to lay back down, but Shepard refused the help. Her brain pieced the situation together quickly and she realized that she must have survived the battle after all. But any relief she might have felt was overshadowed by what she knew she had to do.

"I need the doctor," she insisted, trying again to push past the nurse and get out of the bed.

"A doctor has already seen to your injuries," the nurse assured her, blocking the patient's escape. "Don't worry. You're safe now. The battle is over."

Shepard stared at the woman in confusion for a moment and then shook her head. "No, not that kind of doctor. The shrink. I need Doctor Connor. Where is he?"

"The psychiatrist?" the nurse asked, dumbfounded. "Why on earth do you need to see him right now?"

She thought back to the wager she had lost against Melief. She had made two promises to her friend before she died, and had broken one. She meant to keep the other, no matter what. Violet eyes full of determination, she said, "I have a promise to keep."


	8. The Path That Brings Me Back to You

**I believe an apology is in order: sorry for my absence and the late update to this story. The past week or so has been the perfect storm for a writer. A small bout of writer's block combined with several alternative activities to focus my attention on. I've been chipping away at this chapter for a while and finally got it put together. I wanted to give a mostly feel-good chapter after the last three darker ones. I'm a little worried that it isn't as grounded as it could be, but that is something you all will have to tell me.**

**As always, Sophia surprised me again in this chapter. The part concerning Balak ended differently in the first draft (very differently), but it just felt wrong. I realized that what I had thought Shepard would do was wrong (again) and I was forced to revise in order to tell the full story. I am proud of how far she has come though. I wonder if you all will be as surprised by her actions as I was.**

**Hope you all enjoy.**

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**The Path That Brings Me Back to You**

"After The Blitz, Alliance Command gave me the Star of Terra and I became the poster-child for the Alliance. Suddenly everyone knew my name and everyone wanted to hear about how I saved Elysium. I told them that I didn't save anyone. That I lost them all. People thought I was crazy and the Alliance stopped letting me talk to the press after that. They made me go through therapy for PTSD and made me train with some of the best human biotics. After a while I learned how to control my biotics and I learned to just shut up about The Blitz. No one wanted to hear about Melief or the recruits I lost. All anyone wanted to know was how I did it, how I survived and stopped the batarians from overrunning the colony. They wanted the story of the youngest soldier to ever receive the Star of Terra bravely defending humanity against terrorists, refusing to give up because she knew that if she did human lives would be lost. They didn't want to hear about the even younger men and women who were awarded the Star of Terra after death, how they died because the woman in charge of their lives only cared about revenge, and how all she wanted was to win for the sake of winning. The lie was easier to swallow - it made a better story - so I shut up and let them believe what they wanted. And that's how the greatest failure of my military career became known as my first triumph." Shepard took a deep breath and looked into Liara's sapphire eyes. "And now you and I are the only two people who know the truth anymore."

"The only two?" Liara asked. "I thought you said that you see a psychiatrist every year."

Shepard shrugged. "I do. But I don't tell them about the Blitz. I use a fake name and talk about something else. If I told them about the Blitz, the first thing they would do is go to the press. 'Commander Shepard Suffers from Survivor's Guilt' the headlines would read, or 'Commander Shepard Finally Breaks Under Pressure.' I keep my promise, observe my penance, but I don't talk about The Blitz. This is the first time I have in... God, I don't know how many years."

Liara sat stunned by what she had just heard. Her brain recalled details from the story, formed a thousand questions, but she had no idea what she should say. She'd studied Shepard's demeanor carefully while the commander had shared her tale, and she was surprised to find that Shepard had shown little emotion. Aside from some guilt and sadness, Shepard had seemed comfortable enough telling her story once she had started. Liara didn't know what to make of that. And then there was a small voice in the back of her head that said _If Shepard could break one promise, she could break another. What if she never comes back to you?_ That thought she viciously smothered, refusing to acknowledge it. This story wasn't about her after all; it would be selfish to think about herself.

It was times like this that the asari wished she had more experience dealing with other people. What was expected of her in this situation? Should she comfort Shepard if she did not look in need of comfort? Should she pretend to be a psychiatrist and ask questions? But what questions? There were plenty that raced through her head, but she didn't want to put her lover on edge with a heavy question.

Studying Shepard's face, Liara raised her left hand and brushed her fingers along Shepard's right eyebrow. "Your scar," she said softly, recalling the cut that had marked the commander's brow when they had first met. "It was from The Blitz, wasn't it?"

Shepard blinked rapidly, and then shook her head with a chuckle. "You're wondering about the scar?" she murmured softly. Obviously she had been expecting a deeper question. "Yes, that was when I got that scar. I was actually pissed at Cerberus for taking it away from me. It was a good reminder every morning when I looked into the mirror. A reminder of what it means to be a good commander."

"Shepard, you are a good commander. You do not need a reminder," Liara insisted. Placing a hand on the commander's knee, she added, "I think you are being too hard on yourself."

The black haired woman just gave her a knowing smile. "And I think you're trying to be kind to me."

Liara could feel the heat rising on her face, but she hoped that the deeper shade of blue didn't show on her cheeks. It was true. She had hoped to reassure the woman she loved, but Shepard was not the type of person to be swayed so easily. At times, she had to admit, she found it frustrating that paying Shepard a compliment was an impossible task. Praise her appearance, her leadership, or her courage and Shepard would quickly turn the conversation a different way. But ask the commander about her faults and Shepard would be the first to list them. Sometimes it seemed as if she wore her flaws as armor; as much as she feared her own temper, she showed a certain pride in it, in the power her anger gave her. And Liara had no idea if that was good or bad. She wasn't a psychiatrist.

"I do not know what to say," she admitted.

To her surprise, Shepard said, "I think you have something you want to ask me, but you're afraid to upset me."

_Will you keep your promise to me?_ Liara thought. It made her feel ashamed just thinking it. Shouldn't she be reassuring Shepard, not the other way around? The words stuck in her throat and her shame burned on her cheeks. "I cannot," she whispered.

Shepard looked down at the floor, her shoulders sagging. "You want to ask if I can keep the promise I made to you. You want to know if I will fail you like I failed Melief."

It was Liara's turn to look away. "I am afraid, Shepard. My greatest fear is that you will have to sacrifice yourself to stop the Reapers. I would rather have us lose this war than have that happen. I cannot watch you die again."

Shepard pulled Liara into a hug, holding her close. "I won't. I'm not who I was back then. I'm not doing this for revenge; I'm doing this for us. I'm doing this so that we have a future to look forward to."

Wrapping her arms around the commander, Liara buried her face in the other woman's shoulder. She tried to reign in the tears welling up in her eyes. Her voice came out as a barely audible whisper. "But what if you have to choose? What if you have to choose between death and defeat?"

"Then I'll choose something else," Shepard said, kissing the top of Liara's head.

Pulling back, Liara felt the tears sliding down her cheeks, part sadness and part fury at Shepard for not taking her seriously. "What if there are no other choices, Shepard?" she demanded loudly. "What if you have to die to save the galaxy?"

Shepard gave her a calm look; Liara couldn't understand how the human could be so calm. "There is always another choice, Liara. We don't have to accept the paths that others set for us. On Elysium I thought there was only one path: the path to revenge. I thought that I was only capable of rage and hate. I never thought that I could be a good commander. But I was wrong. I am capable of so much more than that. If I have to, I will make the path that brings me back to you."

Studying Shepard's face, the commander looked so confident and sure of herself. "I wish I could believe that," Liara said quietly.

"Don't wish," Shepard said. "Have faith. In me. Just like I have faith in you. I promise I will always come back to you."

_Have faith in me..._ If she couldn't have faith in Shepard, then who could she believe in? Maybe it was that simple. She had to believe. Believe in Shepard or else the fear would tear her apart. Putting her arms around the commander again, Liara took a deep breath and said, "I will believe in you. Come back to me."

"Always."

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard was intimately familiar with a lot of things. Simple things like the warmth of a coffee mug in her hands or the sound of food sizzling on the stove. Practiced things like the weight of her armor, how it felt when she moved about the battlefield. Private things like the feel of Liara's body or a sigh of pleasure when they were alone together in bed. All those things were sensations that defined her life, spoke volumes about what it meant to be Commander Shepard.

How strange then, it occurred to her suddenly, that part of being Commander Shepard meant being intimately familiar with the feel of a gun pressed between her shoulder blades. So familiar that she had slowly raised her hands before her brain could even form a coherent thought.

A trap. Whoever this terrorist was, he or she wanted to get Shepard alone. The question now was who held the gun.

"Commander Shepard. Captain Ka'hairal Balak, Batarian External Forces. I've been waiting for this. Everything that has happened to my people is your fault."

Balak? What god-forsaken hole had he crawled out from to come find her? After their last encounter on the asteroid, Shepard had kept some feelers out hoping the terrorist would show back up, but thus far he had been a hard man to find. Until now.

Unable to believe her good fortune, Shepard began to laugh.

Balak stabbed the muzzle of his gun hard into Shepard's shoulders. His voice was a mixture of anger and confusion. "What's so funny? I could end you right now."

Speaking between laughs and shaking her head, Shepard said, "Oh, Balak, I knew you were stupid, but this? This is just too rich. It's almost as if you wanted to do me a favor."

Again he pressed the muzzle of the gun hard into her back, as if she would forget it was there otherwise. Snarling he said, "A favor? I lured you away from your people, got you alone, and I've got a gun on you. I'm going to kill you. No one is here to help you."

"Precisely." Even without her armor or full assortment of weapons, Shepard was a woman who was always prepared. She always carried a pistol on her person, and with her skills in both biotics and tech she was far from unarmed. Thanks to Tali, Shepard had learned to link some of her tech abilities to triggers other than having to fully activate her omnitool. With a grin she brought the fingers of her left hand together in a single point, activating a five second sabotage of all weapons within a five foot radius of her person. And five seconds was all she needed. Turning, she heard the click of the trigger as Balak tried in vain to fire the gun. She coiled her left arm around his outstretch right, opening up his front easily and followed up with a powerful biotic punch to his chest. He crumpled as if he were a house of cards and lay sprawled on the floor. Kicking the gun out of his hand so that it slid away, Shepard placed the other foot on his chest and stared down at the batarian with a wicked smile.

All four eyes were wide with horror, his mouth gaping open as he sputtered, "How?"

"You really are an idiot, Balak," Shepard said. "Catching me alone was the greatest mistake you ever made. Those people you worked so hard to get me away from were the only ones who might have saved you. But there's no one to stop me now. No one to talk me down." Twisting her boot on his chest, she said, "Tell me, how many humans have you killed?"

"You bitch!" he spat.

Without so much as blinking, Shepard drew her pistol in one smooth motion and shot him in the shoulder - the five second sabotage already dissipated at this point. Balak screamed as the bullet dug its way into his unprotected flesh. "How many?" Shepard demanded again.

"I don't remember," he hissed. That she believed. "So, this is how it ends?" he growled. "You'll kill me and watch my people die? Is this Commander Shepard's idea of justice?"

Shepard shook her head and aimed her pistol for his heart. "No. Not Commander Shepard. Sophia."

Her finger itched over the trigger, the muscles in her arm tense and waiting for the signal to contract. Nothing would make her happier than ending a monster like Balak. She'd waited so long to have this opportunity and the universe had delivered him into her hands like a nicely wrapped gift. But something in the back of her brain kept her finger locked. All of her hate and anger urged her to pull the trigger, it would be so easy, but suddenly that millimeter separating her from her revenge seemed an impossible distance to cross.

She'd been watching the reports; she knew that the batarian race was on its last leg. More a limping fleet of refuges than a real fighting force, but they still had ships, resources. To get those resources all she had to do was forgo her own revenge and let Balak live. _The remaining batarian forces are negligible_, she thought bitterly. _What difference could they really make? You gave up greater numbers from the salarians for the sake of honor. What makes this different?_

But it was different. Defending the krogan had not only been about her own honor; it had been about saving countless lives, about preserving a peace that could save the galaxy. If she did this thing, if she took Balak's life, then she would only gain her own satisfaction. Her revenge would come at the cost of more resources, more allies, more chances to succeed.

And she was more than her rage and hate. She was Commander Shepard and a good commander saw more choices than just her own revenge.

Making a disgusted sound, Shepard took her boot off of Balak's chest and lowered her gun. "Who is in charge of the batarian hegemony now?" she demanded.

Blinking in surprise, obviously wary of a trick, Balak didn't dare get up from the floor. "I am. The rest are dead. I'm the highest ranked military officer now."

At that Shepard's face twisted up like she had just tasted something sour. "I'm placing your people's fate in your hands then," she told him. "Join me in the fight against the Reapers. Avenge your people."

"Why should I trust you?" Balak growled. "Why should I join you?"

"Because I'm the only chance any of your people have at surviving this war. And you know it. It seems neither of us are going to get what we want today. We both have to put our people first."

Pushing himself to his feet, Balak snarled under his breath and Shepard knew that he agreed with her.

"Contact Admiral Hackett of the Alliance. He'll coordinate your fleet with our own," she said.

"Fine," he said curtly. Without another word he turned on his heel and stalked away. Shepard knew better than to expect a thank you for sparing his life, or any sign of gratitude. He would help fight the Reapers, of that she was sure, but he would continue hating her. She'd do the same for him.

"Balak," she said, watching him stop and look back over his shoulder at her. The animosity between their stares was almost palpable. "If we both survive this war, you better find a quiet place to hide. If I ever see you again..." She took a deep breath, suppressing the desire to raise her gun again and take back her revenge once and for all. "I'll kill you."

He glared back at her, no doubt thinking of how he'd like to do the same to her. Then, with a faint nod of his head, the batarian turned and walked away.

~.~.~.~.~

Sitting on the bench next to Liara, Shepard glanced around the Presidium, taking in the relative seclusion of their spot and the quietness. Behind them a plant bed held several bushes, some familiar and others alien in nature, and ahead of them they had an unobstructed view of the Presidium lake. It was peaceful, she had to admit, but this wasn't quite what she had expected when Liara had suggested going on a date the other day.

Shepard had been lying on her stomach on Liara's bed, head propped up on one hand and reading a datapad in the other. Liara worked nearby at her terminal, occasionally giving an order to Glyph, her drone assistant. They'd each been doing their own work for some time, both just enjoying having the other nearby, and Shepard was trying to decide how to reply to Hackett's latest update when Liara suddenly broke the silence.

"The next time we are on the Citadel, do you want to go on a date?"

Shepard looked up from the datapad, raising an eyebrow at the asari. "What?"

"A date," Liara said, turning her head to look at the commander. "I want to take you out on a date."

Shepard tilted her head. "Why all of a sudden?"

Liara shrugged. "I was chatting with Ashley earlier and she mentioned how she wished that she had more time to spend time with her family. To just do normal things and not think about the Reapers. It made me think how we have never really done any of the normal courtship behaviors and I thought... I thought it would be nice to take our minds off work for a while."

"To pretend to be normal," Shepard replied with a grin.

"Yes."

"Why not? We can pretend to be normal for a few hours, I suppose. What do you want to do?"

Liara smiled. "I have something in mind."

So now they sat in a secluded spot on the presidium commons, overlooking the lake. Shepard had imagined something more traditional like dinner or a movie - perhaps the new Blasto film - but Liara had led them to this isolated place instead. Perhaps the asari idea of a date was different than the human notion. Liara sat still and quiet, staring towards the water with a far off look in her eyes.

"So, I have to ask," Shepard said, breaking the silence. "Why did you pick here for our date?"

Liara blinked as she snapped out of her reverie and grinned sheepishly. "I guess I felt like being a little sentimental. I love this part of the Presidium. It reminds me of where I grew up."

"Where's that? I know you were born on Thessia, but what city?"

"Armali. My mother and I lived beside a park. I spent hours there."

Tilting her head to the side, Shepard asked, "Doing what?"

Liara shook her head slightly and chuckled at the memory. "Reading, exploring, getting in trouble digging for ruins in the grass."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "You're kidding."

"I was very young!" Liara protested with a radiant smile. "I always hoped that I might find something no one else knew about in the park."

Joining in with Liara's laughter, Shepard said, "Yeah, that's actually pretty cute. I can totally see a little version of you digging around and playing archeologist."

Touching two fingers to her forehead and shaking her head, Liara said, "No one else thought it was funny. The lecture my mother gave me!" Liara shrugged. "But she did buy me my first history book the next day." Liara's expression grew more pensive at that and her lips tugged down into a faint frown. She stared intently at the lake, her blue eyes growing dark. "I miss her, Shepard."

They had never really talked about Benezia that much before. Liara's relationship with her mother had been so estranged when they had first met, and Benezia had been Saren's thrall at the time, that Shepard knew little about the woman. She had always imagined that Benezia must have been a charismatic individual to have gained so many followers. She must have also had a wild streak if she had fallen for a woman like Aethyta. It seemed obvious how a shy child like Liara would have felt disconnected from her mother once she grew older. But despite their trouble in later years, Shepard could tell that Liara had loved her mother. "What was she like?" the commander asked gently.

Liara took in a deep breath before answering. "She was confident and kind. She loved to wear yellow. I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She had the ability to just draw people to her." She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I wanted to have a nice date and here I am talking about my childhood. We can talk about something else."

But Shepard grinned, turning her body so that she could face Liara better. "No, I think this is a good idea. This could be fun. You tell me something about your childhood, and then I'll tell you something about mine."

"Are you sure Shepard? My childhood probably is not that interesting."

Flashing her most charming smile, Shepard said, "Liara, I always find getting to know more about you fascinating. I want to know more about your life. About how you grew up and became who you are."

Smiling back, Liara said, "I guess I see your point. I am curious to know what a young Shepard was like. Well, I already shared one story from my childhood. Your turn."

Tapping a finger against her lips, Shepard thought about it for a minute. "Ok, how about this: when you were little did you have stuffed animals? Like dolls, but they looked like animals?"

"Yes, we have some toys like that."

"Ok, well I had some stuffed animals and my favorite one was a frog." Realizing that Liara wouldn't know what a frog was, she quickly did an image search on her omnitool. She showed the asari a picture of a bright green frog with a yellow streak down its back.

Liara pursed her lips. "That?" she asked incredulously. "That was your favorite stuffed animal?"

"Hey, it wasn't an exact representation," Shepard protested. "It was cute, I swear. It was kinda human in appearance, but any kid would know it was supposed to be a frog." When Liara still looked skeptical, Shepard said, "Just trust me, ok? It was cute. Anyway, I named him Froggy because I'm not that original. The best thing about Froggy was that he was waterproof, and I used to take him with me whenever I would go swimming in the pond near my house. So, one day I was swimming in the pond with my siblings and my parents were sitting on the dock supervising. I was probably about six years old at the time. I would dive down to the bottom of the pond with Froggy and then let go and he would float up to the surface by himself, and I would pretend that he was swimming. One time, after I did that and got back to the surface, I noticed that his neck had ripped open, just like this." Shepard traced a straight line across her throat and stuck out her tongue. "I was so horrified that I burst into tears and immediately went to my mom. I told her that Froggy was dying and begged her to save him. I didn't stop crying all the way back to the house."

Liara hid a smile behind her hand. "I cannot - I cannot imagine you ever crying over a doll, Shepard." She struggled not to laugh.

Laying a hand over her heart and feigning indignation, Shepard said, "Hey, I loved that toy! When I was six years old I really thought that he would die. Luckily, my mom sewed his neck back up and he was as good as new, minus some stitches of course. Don't tell me you didn't have a favorite toy when you were a kid."

"I do not think that I ever thought any of my toys were alive though."

"Ok, Miss Smartypants, if you knew that your toys weren't alive, then how did you play with them?"

"I mostly used them to reenact things from real life. Like playing house or digging for ruins..." Her voice trailed off and a look of sudden recollection crossed her face. Shaking her head she said, "I remember this one time I actually pretended my toys were attending a funeral."

Shepard gaped in disbelief. "A funeral? Seriously? Now I have to hear this story."

Chuckling, Liara said, "Well, I had recently gone to a funeral with mother for an important asari dignitary. It was the first one I had ever been to. A few days later I was bored and was trying to think of something to do. I had already imitated just about every scenario I could think of, and then I realized that I had never pretended to have a funeral. And I guess I should mention that on Thessia most children have a certain kind of doll that is just a miniature version of an asari."

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, we have dolls like that too. But, you know, human."

"Well, this kind of doll has a painted face, meaning it cannot close its eyes and it is always smiling..."

Realizing what that meant for a funeral, Shepard began to laugh. "So, they were all smiling during the funeral?"

Liara smiled broadly. "Exactly. I picked one of the dolls to be the deceased, but she was smiling, wide-eyed throughout the entire ceremony. And all the mourners were lined up to watch, but they were all just smiling away as if really glad that their friend had died... in retrospect it was a tad morbid."

Shepard clutched her side laughing as she pictured the scene. A little Liara trying to imitate a funeral, surrounded by a bunch of smiling dolls and a thrilled dead person. It was so comically dark that she couldn't stop laughing. It was another minute or so before she could form words. Wiping a tear from her eye she said, "That has to be one of the funniest things I've heard in a while. It's kinda messed up, but so funny. Did your mom know about this?"

Putting a hand to her forehead, Liara said, "Thank the Goddess, no. She would have thought I was crazy. She was probably already concerned about me being a loner; I doubt she would have liked thinking I was macabre too."

Taking in a few deep breaths after her laughing fit, Shepard said, "I think that's one of my new favorite stories about you. Liara hosts the most morbid funeral in the galaxy!"

"I did not have very many people my own age to play with, so I had to come up with ways to entertain myself," Liara explained.

"True. I can't really imagine what it was like not to have any brothers or sisters. They drove me crazy sometimes, but I always had someone to play with."

"Tell me about them," Liara urged. "It is your turn to tell a story. I would like to hear about your siblings."

Rubbing her chin as she thought, Shepard said, "Hm, I'm not sure if I have any fun stories with all of my siblings together."

"Then tell me what they were like."

"Well, my little sister's name was Jamie. You would have gotten along with her, I think. She always had a million questions and was so curious about everything. She liked to dig in the dirt too. She kept a collection of all kinds of things that she had found while digging around in the yard. The younger of my two brothers was Andrew. He taught me how to cook. He was going to be a master chef someday. He was creative and artistic, with a good and gentle heart. David, on the other hand, was very much the protector of our group. He was strong and brave, and he always stood up for the people who couldn't fight back. He got suspended from school once for fighting; he was fighting a group of boys who were picking on an autistic boy. My parents were so proud of him that they took us all out to dinner to celebrate. I will never forget the impression that made on me. Sometimes you can be punished for doing the right thing, but the people who really matter will understand why you did what you did." Shepard sighed. "I wish you could have met them."

"I wish I could have met them as well," Liara said. "They sound like wonderful people, Shepard."

Nodding, the commander said, "They were." Then she shook her head and laughed softly. "Look at us; we try to be normal by planning a date and we end up talking about the people we've lost. I guess any chance of us being normal disappeared a long time ago, huh?"

Liara looked down at her hands folded in her lap with a smile. "I suppose so. I guess I failed in this experiment."

Rising to her feet, Shepard held out her hand to the asari with a grin. "We have a few more hours left before we have to get back to the daily grind. Time enough to pretend a little longer. Let's go see that Blasto movie. I hear that's what normal people do."


	9. Fear

**I know I've been missing for quite some time. The reason is that I am currently in Montana (and will be for a few more weeks) and if you know anything about Montana, then you know that it is largely empty. I have been without a reliable internet connection for the last 3-4 weeks. But, luckily, I now have internet access again. Thus, an update!**

**Just a few words on this chapter and the future of this story. I will go ahead and warn you that this chapter is pretty much entirely dark. I threw in Tali rejoining the Normandy to give a brief break and get that plot point out of the way, but the rest is a tad on the morbid side. But I needed to establish some internal conflict for Shepard and lay some groundwork for later chapters as well. Next chapter will be happier.**

**Now, for the matter of the ending. I was waiting to see what Bioware did with the Extended Cut before I made a decision on how to proceed. Well, I think the Extended Cut is crap, and what I had in mind I like way better, so I'm going with my own ending. I'm really disgusted with what Bioware gave us and Liara's speech about the Reapers at the end of this chapter can equally be directed at Bioware.**

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**Fear**

"This place gives me the creeps," Shepard said as a shiver sent tremors down her spine. She'd always assumed that asari architecture would be beautiful and elegant, but seeing it cast in shadows, the abundance of curves creating the haunting feeling of a tomb, she wasn't so sure anymore. Perhaps the monastery was like a human church: beautiful to behold when bathed in the light, but under the shroud of darkness it became a place of foreboding. Or maybe just knowing that Ardat-yakshi lived within the walls was enough to set her on edge. Recalling Samara's daughter, Morinth, made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. They'd run into the justicar again, looking for her remaining daughters, but her presence did little to take the edge off. As Shepard peered into alcoves with the flashlight mounted on her gun, she kept thinking, _Predators hunt in the dark_.

"Show of hands," she said, turning to look at Liara and Ashley, "who hates this mission already?" All three of them raised their hands. "Good. Glad we're all in agreement."

They exited one of the main chambers and rounded the corner into a large courtyard. Shepard heard her companions let out relieved breaths and she too felt infinitely better being outside. Even though the rest of the monastery was under attack, it was obvious that the place had been well cared for beforehand. Despite the cold weather, flowers still grew in the courtyard and Shepard even saw a freshly picked bouquet sitting on a nearby bench. The pedestrian feel of the yard was strange, yet oddly comforting. She was ready to let herself relax a little when a shriek suddenly pierced the air.

Raising her pistol towards the noise, Shepard spotted a tall figure standing at the other end of the courtyard. From that distance she couldn't make out whether the thing was asari or something else, but the screeching suggested the latter. From the corner of her eye she could see Liara standing a few feet to her right, pistol also raised and surrounded by the glow of her biotics. Instinctively she knew that Ashley was a few feet behind them, covering their six.

Shepard was on the verge of ordering them to flank on either side while she switched to her sniper rifle, but before the words could leave her lips the figure surged with biotics. The level of biotic energy being used hit Shepard's senses in waves and she instinctively reached for her own powers. That much energy would only be summoned for something especially dangerous like a warp or singularity or...

The figure rippled in the distance, melting into the brightness of a blue and white biotic glow and suddenly it was much closer. Maybe only twenty feet away, Shepard could see it clearly now. The shape was distinctly that of an asari, though an asari that had been twisted into a monstrous form. Like the turian husks, the creature's crest had been distorted to create a crown of spikes, and its fingers extended into foot long claws. Its limbs had been elongated so that it stood at least seven feet tall and its skin took on the same dead gray color of other husks. Unlike other husks however, this creature's eyes held a certain amount of intelligence in addition to its bloodlust.

And it filled Shepard with horror. She couldn't think; she couldn't even breathe. Rational thought completely fled and all that remained were torrents of emotions. Fear, awe, disgust, and dread. Her pistol had already been raised before her senses left her, but the thought to pull the trigger was simply beyond her. Every muscle in her body had locked in place and she watched helplessly as the creature charged forward again to stand within reach of the commander. Its screeches filled her ears and she stared in horror at its cruel and lifeless eyes. It raised one clawed hand towards her, pointed tips aimed for the human's face.

A blinding, white light struck the monster in the side like a freight train, causing it to crash into a low wall to Shepard's left. The impact was so forceful that its body was crushed like an empty can, neck broken and hanging limply to the side. A short burst of gunfire from Ashley's assault rifle riddled the corpse with holes, just to be sure.

"What the hell, Shepard?" she heard Ashley shout from behind her. "That thing almost took your head off!"

The commander blinked rapidly as her muscles suddenly loosened and she regained the ability to move. The glow surrounding Liara after her attack faded and she ran over and cupped Shepard's face in her blue hands, her sapphire eyes searching the commander's intently. "Are you alright?" she asked, turning the human's face in various directions as if looking for an injury. "Are you hurt?"

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Shepard said, "I'm ok. It didn't touch me."

Liara looked doubtful. Ashley came to stand by them and also looked at Shepard as if expecting to see a gushing head wound. "I've never seen you freeze like that," she said. "Did that thing do something to you? Did it use some kind of power on you or something?"

Had it? Shepard didn't recall seeing any biotics other than the charge forward, but maybe it had trapped her in some kind of stasis. But if that was the case, how had it affected her mind? She'd never heard of biotics being used to control people's thoughts. The horror she had felt... that had been real. She cast a glance at the corpse and then quickly looked away. Just the sight of it filled her with dread. Did it really have some kind of new power or was that fear something else? Something part of her?

"I don't know," Shepard answered. "I don't think it was controlling me. I guess I was just... shocked."

Ashley crossed her arms over her chest. "It was creepy, sure," she said, "but I've seen you shoot every other Reaper creature without hesitation."

Shepard looked at Liara, who was still watching her with a worried expression. "Does it bother you?" she asked. "Seeing an asari husk, I mean."

Liara looked at the corpse for a few seconds before returning her gaze to Shepard. "Yes, but no more than the other husks. Not as much as seeing the husks for the first time."

Shepard frowned. She assumed that seeing one of her own kind turned into a monster would have affected Liara more than any of the others. But then, could Shepard say that the human husks bothered her more than the turian or batarian ones? The husks had always disgusted her and filled her with rage, but had she ever been as horrified by them as she had been just minutes ago? Though the husks were horrible, the idea had always felt familiar, maybe because of the concept of zombies. Maybe she had never considered it possible for the asari to be made into such twisted creatures. Maybe she had foolishly thought them beyond the Reapers' grasp.

Or what if the pressure was finally getting to her? What if she was cracking under the strain of it all? What if a person could only witness so much horror before her mind crumbled like a house of cards? Ashley was right, Shepard had never hesitated in a firefight before. She was a soldier, a trained N7 operative. She knew how to fight a battle, and she knew how to do it well. Was she finally beginning to break?

Regardless, those thoughts were not something she could share with those under her command. If nothing else, she had to at least appear strong. "If it happens again, we'll look into it. But until then we'll assume it was just a fluke." She started walking towards the other end of the courtyard, knowing that the others would follow. "Come on. Samara is probably already waiting for us."

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard knew the importance of professionalism. A flash of doubt, a moment of hesitation, a hint of weakness: these things sent fear through people like a terrible, leeching disease. If nothing else, a leader must seem confident and in control at all times, even if she was screaming on the inside. So much of being in charge meant putting on the right face.

So, when Tali walked into that conference room, the newly minted admiral of the quarian fleet, Shepard kept her face unreadable. In truth she felt surprise, relief, and joy, but all of those emotions would have hurt her cause. If the other admirals thought that she was surprised by Tali's new rank, they might doubt their choice to raise her. If they knew how relieved the commander was to see her friend alive, they might decide to see how much control they could exert over her by threatening Tali's life. And if they saw Shepard embrace Tali they might see them both as just two women - people with hopes and fears - and in these dark hours the galaxy didn't need more people. It needed heroes. Leaders beyond the reach of mortal entrapments.

Yet, when the admirals had departed, and the commander and Tali were alone in the hallway, Shepard immediately drew the quarian into a tight hug. They stood like that for a while and then Shepard stepped back, keeping her hands on Tali's shoulders, and smiled.

"It's good to have you back, Miss vas Normandy."

"Good to be back, Commander." Then sighing, she added, "Sorry about the delay. As you just heard, we've had a lot of problems to deal with. I had hoped I could stop the war, but..."

"I know," Shepard said. "I guess it was inevitable. From a practical standpoint, the quarians need somewhere to shelter noncombatants during the fight against the Reapers and a base of operations. Still, I'm going to look into peaceful solutions. If I can find Legion, then we have a shot at it."

"Like I said, I lost contact with Legion a while ago." Casting a glance at the door to the war room, she added, "There's plenty I want to tell you about the last several months, but as much as I hate to say it, I can't trust Raan. We'll need to talk somewhere private."

Nodding, Shepard said, "I understand. But first, I think we should let our friends know that you're here. They'd kill me if they thought I was hiding you away from them."

~.~.~.~.~

She knew this place. All around her people shoved past, heading for the underground bunker before the doors closed. Their faces were a contortion of misery and pain, of loss and battered hopes. They looked at her with scowls and eyes full of disappointment. _Why did you fail us?_ they seemed to say. _We lost everything because of you._ They were the refugees. All that might remain after the Reapers, if the bunker on Ilos held true once again.

A myriad of faces: human, turian, asari, salarian... and sometimes the faces morphed into a species only recognizable by something deep within her - a memory of years she didn't remember living. A name bubbled to her lips - protheans - but it vanished as quickly as their faces changed. Sometimes she saw people that she knew: Garrus, Tali, Ashley, Joker... but they too faded into the crowd and she knew that they were gone, never to return.

Never again.

The loss of them filled her with loneliness. And the eyes of the people she had failed filled her with shame. But she could bear all that - a thousand lives and a thousand deaths she could bear - as long as her beacon of hope remained.

Shepard looked around, searching the faces of the crowd for that one face that she needed to see. She began to walk against the tide, pushing past the onrush of poor souls, craning her neck to peer into every pair of eyes. As she moved forward - or perhaps she was moving back - the number of people around her thinned until finally she stood alone. She looked around in confusion. No, that couldn't be all there was. Where was Liara?

Behind her, she heard the heavy doors of the bunker grind as they began to close. If she ran she could make it inside, but what good would that be without Liara? So she walked away and into the ruins of a once great city. Ilos looked similar to how it had when she had visited it all those years ago, but this time she could remember a time when it had been alive and vibrant. She could remember when the city had been the home of science and research and teemed with scholars. They were not her memories, but she recalled them anyway.

She walked in perfect silence until she heard a guttural screech. A sound that had become so familiar that Shepard could recognize the call of husks even in her dreams. Breaking into a run, she reached for her gun but found it gone. For the first time she realized that she was unarmed and unarmored, wearing only a dirty and ripped officer's uniform. Rounding the corner, Shepard froze when she came across a group of human husks, all standing around a kneeling figure. Liara.

The asari's eyes were full of fear and pain, her face badly bruised and cut. More than anything Shepard wanted to go to her, rescue her, heal whatever wounds she bore. But she found her feet stuck to the ground, unable to move as the husks sneered. Then one had a knife in its hand and a voice Shepard had heard many times during her months fighting the collectors whispered in her ear, "You will know pain, Shepard."

The husk drove the knife deep into Liara's neck, where collar bone met shoulder, and both she and the commander screamed. Breaking free of whatever invisible restraints had held her, Shepard surged forward, throwing the husks violently with a biotic push. They smashed against the far wall, crumbling to dust upon impact. Shepard had already forgotten them by the time she reached Liara, picking up the asari's limp body in her arms. Her sapphire eyes were wide open, but she didn't breathe as blue blood gurgled around the knife in her throat.

Shepard shouted her name, shook her, put a hand against the wound to try to stop the bleeding, but it was useless. "Please," Shepard begged. "Please, don't leave me! I need you! I love you!" Hugging Liara's body, Shepard felt sobs rack her to the core. This couldn't happen. She couldn't lose Liara. It was too much.

Her eyes fell on the knife and with a grunt she wrenched it free, examining the blue blood that dripped down to the hilt. Still cradling Liara with one arm, and holding the knife in her right hand, Shepard laid the blade against her own throat. She was surprised that she felt nothing more than the warmth of Liara's blood on her skin. She didn't feel fear over her own death. After all, what did it matter? The Reapers had taken everything from her. Her civilization, her galaxy, her friends, and now her heart. Perhaps she could at least deny them the pleasure of taking her life.

She took a deep breath, resolved to end it then and there, but suddenly felt a stirring in her arms. Despite everything she had seen and experienced, she felt a surge of hope as she looked down at Liara. But that hope turned to ashes in her mouth when she saw that Liara's once lovely face, a sight she had loved more than anything else, had twisted into the horror of an asari husk. The thing that now lay in her arms was not her Liara anymore. And it occurred to her that she had been wrong. The Reapers could still hurt her. They could take the thing she loved most and turn it against her. They could kill every inch of hope within her, leaving nothing but despair and fear.

For the first time, Shepard knew that she was broken. She didn't even try to run or fight as the husk turned its attention on her. What could she do against the inevitable? How had she ever thought that she might succeed where countless civilizations before her had failed? She was done fighting. The Reapers had won and everything in her world was dead, all the defiance kicked out of her. It was time for everything she knew to come to an end and cease to exist.

_Never again._

Shepard awoke with a sob, jerking upright to find her room dark. The bed sheets bunched around her waist as she sat, and she felt the coolness of the room prickle the bare skin of her arms. The chill kissed the tears on her cheeks and she hastily wiped them away. God, she was tired of crying. She also felt the warmth of Liara's touch as the asari - who was awoken by Shepard's sudden movements - wrapped her arms around Shepard's shoulders. But after the nightmare it felt like a lie and Shepard flinched away, shrugging out of Liara's embrace. Her lover frowned and raised a hand as if she wanted to pull Shepard back, but she hesitantly lowered it again.

"The nightmares again?" Liara guessed.

Drawing her knees to her chest and burying her face in her hands, Shepard said, "I can't. I can't. I can't."

Liara's voice was full of pain and concern. "What is wrong, Shepard?"

Images flashed through the commander's head: the refugees fleeing to Ilos, their loss of hope plain on their faces, Liara beaten and bruised, the knife in her neck, the blue blood spilling all over Shepard's hands, and then the twisted monster she had become. And it was too much. More than she could bear. Never again.

"I can't do this," she said into her hands. "They're in my head, wrapped up with all my fears. And I'm afraid of them." She didn't need to say who they were. They both knew the prothean nightmares were linked to the Reapers. Shepard raised her head to look into Liara's sapphire eyes, but her vision was blurred by tears. "I can't watch you die again."

Nodding with understanding, Liara pulled Shepard back into a hug, her hands pressed firmly on the commander's back and her cheek touching the side of her face.

"I'm sorry," Shepard whispered into Liara's shoulder. "I'm so sorry you had to watch me die." Part of her had always known how hard it must have been for Liara when she had watched the original Normandy go down in flames knowing that Shepard was still aboard. Even harder when the last escape pod had arrived and the commander wasn't there. But it was only when she had watched Liara die in countless dreams that she really understood. The thought of losing Liara tore Shepard apart, made her feel wretched and hollow. There had been a time, though it felt so long ago, that she had lived without any real hopes or goals in her life. She served humanity, working her way up the ranks because the military was her career.

But that was all she had been: a soldier. She had owned few personal affects - a pair of hand-me-down pants and several books - and had no friends outside of the Alliance. But she was no longer that same woman. She had been forced to renounce her identity as an Alliance soldier. Forced to find new reasons to live and fight. And now the only thing she wanted, the only thing she hoped for in reward for all her sacrifice, was to be able to keep her promise to Liara and build a future. But without Liara that future was worthless.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Shepard," Liara said, giving the human a reassuring squeeze. "You came back."

"I'm afraid," Shepard said quietly. It shamed her to admit it, but Liara needed to hear the truth. "I'm afraid that they will take everything from me."

"Only if you let them. They may be able to make you feel powerless in your dreams, but they only have as much power as you give them." Leaning back and lifting Shepard's face with her hands, Liara said, "Remember what we know about the Reapers. They want us to accept their future. To accept their view of things. You must deny them. Deny everything they give you." Softly, almost with a sense of benediction, Liara placed a kiss first on Shepard's brow and then on her lips before saying, "And most importantly, you must not lose hope. Fear is their weapon. Hope is ours. And you are our hope Shepard. They must not have you."


	10. Nothing Else Matters

**You would think that after so much practice I would be better at writing these kinds of chapters. But no. It is seriously like pulling teeth sometimes. To be honest, I think I'm just not as confident about my "feel good" stuff. But it's not for the reason you might think - that I'm just a cold hearted person that shuns happiness. The truth is that I agonize over every word because I'm just not sure if I can get what's in my head - these moments that I want to be truly touching - down on paper and make it **_**right**_**. For example, this beginning scene with Tali has been in my head for a long time. Like way back when I started "All Things Pass." It's one of those many scenes that I imagine, but there's really no place for it in the story so it gets shelved, and then finally, here in ME3, I find a place for it. But then I stress about every little detail. The cadence, the word choice, the imagery, everything. I'm so afraid that I won't say it right and that everyone else who reads it will just be like "Meh" or "That was cheesy."**

**My point, I suppose, is that that is why this chapter has taken me so long. But it is absolutely gigantic, so that kind of makes up for it. Plus, while I am sorry for the wait, you can take solace in the fact that it was no picnic for me either. Which is kind of weird when you think about it because this is the happiest chapter by far. If all goes as planned, this chapter will have been agony for me, but feel-good-happy time for you. The other good news is that the next chapter should be infinitely easier for me to write.**

**One last thing. I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone that has reviewed. I'm always grateful for feedback, but reading the reviews after the last chapter was especially rewarding. New readers, old readers, there was a wide range, and it was an absolute joy to read every single review. Some make me laugh, some make me feel good, and some give me valuable feedback on how you, the readers, are feeling about this story. I would send each and every one of you a personal message, but sometimes I wouldn't have anything more to say than thank you, and I think you all deserve a place here, in the author's note. And it's knowing that I have people to write for, who will love these characters and this story as much as I do, that pulls me through these tough chapters. Hopefully, this chapter will make you all smile.**

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**Nothing Else Matters**

Peace, at last. Like curing the genophage, Shepard had somehow always known that she would have to bring an end to the war between the quarians and geth in order to defeat the Reapers. How she was supposed to do that, however, had been a mystery. Not knowing had probably been for the best, however; if she had known ahead of time all of the shit she'd have to face, she might have thrown up her hands months ago and said "I quit." Fighting with the uncooperative admirals, having them fire on the geth dreadnought while she was _still_ onboard, merging with the geth consensus, going toe to toe with a Reaper, and losing a friend in the process... well, it was more than any human should have to face in her lifetime.

But looking at Tali now, seeing the relief in her relaxed shoulders, hearing the awe in her voice, Shepard thought that it had all been worth it. After all the trouble the quarians had given her over the last few days, she wasn't sure if she could say that she had done this all for them. But that didn't matter. She didn't need to do it for them. She'd done it for one person - one person who mattered.

Tali rose to her feet and Shepard joined her, standing on the edge of a cliff and looking out over Rannoch. The deep ravines seemed like the open wounds of a world scarred by hundreds of years of war and turmoil, red and raw in the light of the setting sun. But those wounds would start to close now as the quarians spread across the land to reclaim their home.

"It is beautiful, though, isn't it?" Tali said, the ocean reflected on her visor.

Shepard thought of the first time she had seen Earth, and how she had felt such a strong sense of love for her own people and her home world. And even though that image also recalled the image of her world burning, it still reassured her that her people would live on. That humanity could not be snuffed out so easily like a candle. Imagining that Tali must be feeling the same as she looked out on her own world, Shepard said, "Yeah, it is."

Tali stood like that for a while, just staring out at the landscape, and then her shoulders gave a shrug as she took a deep breath and said, "It'll be years before we can live without our suits completely, but right now..." Taking a step forward, she reached for her visor and unlocked it from the rest of her suit. She carefully removed the shaded glass from her face and took her first unaided breath on Rannoch. "Right now, I have this."

Shepard's first instinct was panic. Ever since she'd met Tali she'd known that her friend couldn't survive without her environmental suit. Her knee-jerk response to seeing Tali remove her mask was fear that she might contract an infection, and Shepard would have to watch one of her closest friends die. But as Tali turned to face her, the rational part of the commander's mind kicked in and reassured her that Tali would be safe on her home world. That this was the one place her friend _could_ be free of her suit.

And so, Shepard stared at Tali's face for the first time. She looked fairly human with soft skin, a nose, a mouth, two eyes, and an oval face. But there were notable differences, like her solid, milk colored eyes and violet tinted skin. The area of her face exposed was still limited by the rest of her helmet, but a tendril of what appeared to be black hair curled and matted against her forehead. So far, Shepard had assumed hair to be a distinctly human-centric trait, but perhaps quarians shared a variation of it.

"There was a time," Tali said quietly, "while we were hunting the collectors, that it occurred to me that my closest friend in the galaxy had never even seen my face." She balled her hands into fists, and lines of anger appeared on her face. "I never told you, but for a long time I was furious. Just so angry at the galaxy for cursing my people with our immune systems and trapping us inside these suits. I was so afraid that I might die before ever getting a chance to show you my face. Before letting you see the real me. Before being able to reach out and actually touch you. I know that probably sounds silly. I just..." She looked down at the ground for a moment before returning her eyes to Shepard. "I never had any brothers or sisters. You are the sister I chose, Shepard."

Taking a step forward to close the gap between them, Shepard smiled warmly and reached out to lightly brush her fingertips against Tali's cheek. Her skin felt slightly colder than a human's, a bit more leathery to the touch, smooth but tough. "I couldn't have wished for a better sister, Tali."

The quarian smiled, lifting the worry from around her eyes and revealing just how young she really was. It made Shepard think of when she had first met the young girl on the Citadel, caught up in a scandal that would shake the galaxy to its core and change her life forever. She remembered an inexperienced and scared girl who's devotion to her people had been drilled into her from a young age. Who seemed to constantly look over her shoulder as if afraid that someone would come and take her chance to prove herself away from her, as if she couldn't believe that _she_ was helping track down a rogue spectre. Shepard could remember spending hours just talking shop with Tali and Kaidan, geeking out over the latest mods and innovations, though Tali outshined them both in her engineering knowledge.

And then watching her friend grow and change over the years. Or rather, missing two years and suddenly finding that little girl turned into a young adult, well on her way to becoming a leader of her people. Yet, her loyalty had never shifted and she joined Shepard when the commander had needed her most. She remembered Tali telling her that Shepard was the only person she had ever known that she trusted enough to link suits with; and she remembered how Admiral Raan had said that she had linked suits with Tali's mother when Tali was born. That such a gesture was a show of complete trust and a bond of solidarity. A link that harkened back to the very heart of sisterhood and friendship.

Tali lowered her eyes as she pulled off the glove on her right hand to reveal a three-fingered hand that looked similar to a drell's, though with a quarian's leathery and violet-tinted skin. Slowly, with a sort of reverence, she lifted her fingers to Shepard's face and gingerly trailed them across the human's cheek to her nose and then to her brow. A serene smile spread across her lips, so genuine and pure that Shepard couldn't help smiling as well. In that moment it occurred to Shepard how much this meant - to the both of them. She had no doubt that they could have stayed friends till the end of time without Shepard ever seeing the quarian's face, or without Tali being able to actually touch the commander. But that didn't change the fact that there would have always been something separating them, that a mask was a mask even if it was involuntary.

Tali's hand drifted to Shepard's black hair and she ran her hand over the top before taking a loose tendril between her fingers. Shaking her head with a small grin, she said, "It's softer than I expected. Garrus told me it would be, but I guess I didn't really believe him."

At that, Shepard couldn't help but laugh. "You guys talk about my hair?"

"Just one time," Tali explained with a shrug. "Quarian hair isn't as soft, but I was always fascinated that humans have hair too. And so many colors. All of our hair is black. I have to admit, when I first met you the fact that your hair looked so much like ours made me a little bit more comfortable to be around you. It didn't hurt that you were always kind to me too."

"Did you ever think that I would drag you into the middle of this hellish war?"

Tali smiled and placed both hands on the commander's shoulders. "No, but I'm glad you did. I'm proud of who I've become, and I couldn't have become that person without knowing you."

In the glow of the setting suns of Rannoch, at the end of the quarian exile from their homeland, a human pulled a quarian into a hug. Shepard's cheek pressed against Tali's cool forehead and somehow it felt like the first time she had ever truly embraced her friend. And with the resolution of the quarian and geth war, somehow Shepard knew that it was all drawing to an end. They were ready to focus all their efforts on the Reapers. At least she would be standing shoulder to shoulder with her best friends at the end.

"Welcome home, Tali."

~.~.~.~.~

"Here's to doing the impossible," Garrus said, raising his glass of blue, turian liquor. All the people gathered around the table in the mess hall of the Normandy did the same. "And our commander, who did the impossible." A cheer rippled through the crowd.

Grinning in order to hide the color rising in her cheeks, Shepard said, "Here's to the end of the quarian and geth war." Another cheer.

When everyone settled down again, Tali said, "And here's to the geth that made it all possible. I'll never forget you, Legion." One last cheer and everyone downed their drinks. That was as formal as the celebration would be, and gradually the crewmembers of the Normandy broke into groups in order to chat amongst themselves. In honor of the occasion, Shepard had ordered that everyone have the next couple of hours off to join in the celebration. But before long they would need to leave Rannoch and head to the Citadel to resupply for their next mission. Still, Shepard had a mind to give them all a short shore leave while there. After defeating a Reaper, recapturing a planet, and bringing peace to an over 100 year old war, she figured it was the least that they deserved.

Several of the crewmembers made their way over to her to offer congratulations. Many wanted to hear about the fight with the Reaper; what it had been like to be on the ground, staring the colossus in the eye. She politely answered that she'd only felt rage, which was good because otherwise she might have been shitting herself with fear. She managed to eventually excuse herself and join her friends, who were all gathered in a circle with their attention on Tali, which Shepard much preferred. EDI was picking Tali's brain on how the quarians and geth might coexist now, while Tali struggled to find answers. Sidling up to Liara, Shepard gave her hand a quick squeeze and smiled before turning her attention to the conversation.

When Joker saw her approach, however, he immediately blurted out, "So, Commander, there's a rumor that we might get some shore leave when we get back to the Citadel. Is it true?"

Shepard raised an eyebrow. She hadn't told anyone of her plans. "Where on earth did that rumor start?"

"Me, of course," Joker answered with a grin. "I've been your pilot so long that you've become predictable."

Shepard was half tempted to change her plans, just to spite him, but that would hardly be fair to her crew. So, grudgingly she said, "Fine, call me predictable then. I plan to give everyone the night off once we arrive."

Of course their conversation wasn't without eavesdroppers, and the news quickly spread across the room. Joker gave a wave to everyone that looked their way, as if it had been all his doing, and he said, "I knew it! Well, if that's the case, we should go to the clubs to celebrate! Who knows if we'll ever get another chance." He gave Garrus a nudge with his elbow. "You're up for it, right, Garrus?"

Shrugging, the turian said, "I'm always up for a couple of drinks."

Looking around the group, Joker said, "James? Tali? Ash?"

"Just tell me where the party is and I'm there," James answered.

"Sure, why not," Ashley said, and Tali added, "It might be fun."

Putting his arm around EDI and grinning, Joker said, "Great, it's settled! And Liara, Shepard, you guys will come too, right?"

Shepard just shrugged, saying, "Maybe." She didn't really plan on going; she'd been in many clubs over the past few years, though most of that time was for business. With the prospect of an empty ship and a free evening, Shepard was much more keen to catch up on some reading.

Eventually the celebration wound down and everyone slowly drifted back to their duties, readying for departure. Shepard walked Liara back to her office, stealing a kiss before turning to go, but the asari stopped her. "Wait, Shepard. I wanted to ask if we really are going to go to the clubs with Joker and the rest?"

Shepard turned, an eyebrow slightly raised. She had assumed that Liara wouldn't particularly care to go to the clubs; it didn't seem like her scene. "Do you want to go?" she asked.

Turning a darker shade of blue, Liara looked down at her feet. "I thought it might be fun to go. I have never gone to a club for my own amusement before. And it might be fun to go with you."

Shepard gave a knowing smile. "Is this part of your 'Let's see what it's like to be normal' agenda?"

Raising her eyes back to Shepard's with a grin, Liara said, "Perhaps. If this does not work, then I am prepared to give up on that endeavor."

_So much for a quiet evening aboard the ship_, Shepard thought. But it was a small price to pay to make Liara happy. "Ok, we'll go. I have some things I need to do once we arrive at the Citadel, but I will meet you there."

~.~.~.~.~

In addition to having few personal belongings, Shepard certainly didn't have any clothes suitable for a night out. She'd considered going to the club in her officer's uniform, many soldiers did just that, but she expected that Liara wanted an authentic clubbing experience. That meant the loud music, the drinks, and even the provocative clothing. And as Joker had said, there was no telling if they would ever get another chance to do this.

Shepard had set aside some time to pick out a red, mid-thigh length dress that she thought Liara might like. She also thought that people might not recognize her in it, going so far as to let down her hair in order to complete the transformation. Her media image had been so carefully cultivated that she hoped slight changes to her appearance and attitude might keep her identity secret.

Standing outside of Purgatory, Shepard watched the crowd with curiosity while she waited. Many people went into the club, some stumbled out drunkenly; people met friends and strangers alike, seeking each other with a sort of subdued anxiety. Perhaps Joker had not been alone in his sudden urge to throw a party, to get lost in something other than the war for a change. Everyone seemed desperate for the distraction. If you thought that the world might come to an end, was it really unreasonable to have one last night of reveling?

For the first time, Shepard could feel the shared energy that infected the people of the Citadel. They knew, as surely as she did, that the end of this war was coming. They had mere days, maybe a month at most, before everything would be resolved, one way or another. The inevitability of it was like a sweeping tide, dragging everyone in the same direction, forcing them all to seek some kind of comfort.

Shepard snapped out of her thoughts as she noticed her friends approaching. Joker wore his usual uniform and cap, with his hand around EDI's waist, while James seemed to have found an even tighter shirt in order to show off his muscles. Tali had no other option than to wear her environmental suit, but Garrus had changed into a casual turian outfit, mostly blue with a little green thrown in for color. Ashley had ditched her uniform for some tight jeans and a black top with a generous neckline. When she caught Shepard's eye, she grinned and nodded to her right, where Liara walked beside her.

The asari wore long, black pants with a pair of black heels, and a purple halter top that left her arms and back bare. It was a strange mixture of simplicity and edge for Liara, who tended to dress in a conservative, asari style. When she saw Shepard staring, she flashed a shy smile, laying a hand on her opposite arm.

The group reached the commander and James let out a low whistle. "Damn, Lola, I never pegged you for the type of senorita to put on a red dress. Looking to turn some heads?"

_Just one_, she thought, and giving James a measured look she said, "I could ask you the same thing. Hoping all the girls will come running when they think you aren't even wearing a shirt?"

He laughed. "You caught me, Lola."

"This is a great conversation," Joker cut in, "but I'm not getting any drunker out here. I called ahead and reserved a booth for us, so we can go on in and get drinks."

"A booth?" Shepard asked, surprised. "I didn't know you could even do that here."

Joker shrugged as he headed towards the door. "I may have dropped your name."

She scowled at his back; hopefully he hadn't accidentally tipped off the entire club that she would be there. The last thing she wanted was to be recognized as Commander Shepard.

The rest of the group followed after Joker and EDI, and as Ashley passed by she leaned in and said, "You're welcome, by the way."

Shepard blinked after her, confused, but she didn't have much time to think on it because she realized that Liara had lingered behind so that they were the only two still standing outside the club. The asari flashed a warm smile and said, "So, did I wear the right kind of clothes for this?"

"I'd say you nailed it. You look beautiful, Liara."

"If I am being honest, Ashley helped me a great deal. I did not know what to wear, so I asked for her help." Well, that explained what she was supposed to thank Ash for. "I thought this might be something you would wear though."

Shepard laughed. "That's true. It is definitely my style. Funny, though, because I picked this dress because I thought it was something you might like."

Stepping forward so that they stood only inches apart, Liara said, "You did a good job. I think it looks very nice on you, Shepard. Very..." she paused, taking the time to look Shepard up and down. "Provocative."

At that, Shepard laughed again. "Now you're trying to make me blush, Doctor." Holding out her hand to Liara, she changed the subject. "Let's go inside and see if this experience lives up to your expectations."

Liara took Shepard's hand and as they walked towards the doors, she said, "Like I said before, I have never been to a club before. You will have to teach me the appropriate customs."

Shepard decided not to say anything to that since the sound that hit them once they entered Purgatory was deafening. But she hid a smile of amusement; Liara acted as if going to a club was like going to a unique formal function with its own rules of etiquette and dress code. And maybe she was right, but it was funny to think of what would constitute "club etiquette."

Inside they immediately sought out their friends and took their seats at the booth that Joker had reserved. Shepard made sure to ignore Aria as they entered, not interested in introducing Liara to her semi-ally of questionable integrity. No doubt the queen of Omega took note of the asari on her arm, but Aria probably knew about Liara anyway. And as the Shadow Broker, Liara likely knew plenty about Aria in return.

Joker had already ordered a round of drinks, so Shepard and Liara gladly joined the conversation around their private table. And Shepard had to admit that despite her original desire to spend a quiet evening, it was good to see all her friends smiling and happy. With no way to tell if they would all make it out of this war alive, perhaps it was important that they spend this time together.

"Why don't we make things more interesting with a game of Truth or Dare?" Joker announced suddenly, raising his eyebrows repeatedly while grinning from ear to ear. The aliens at the table all shared puzzled expressions.

"What's that?" Garrus asked.

"An old Earth game," James said. "Brings back memories. I got my first kiss playing that game. I'm sure every kid on Earth has played it."

"Tell me about it," Ashley agreed. "I used to pry information out of my sisters with that game all the time."

James glanced at Shepard and asked, "What about you, Lola?"

"We had it on Mindoir too. Mostly played it at summer camps and stuff like that." Then to the non-humans, she explained, "The game is simple. One person picks another and asks 'truth or dare?' If you pick truth, then the person can ask you any question and you must answer truthfully. If you pick dare, the person can make you _do_ anything."

"How do you win?" Garrus asked.

"You don't. There isn't a winner really. The goal is usually to learn things about someone or embarrass them."

"Or dare them to kiss you," James added with a grin. "It's a good way to get girls."

When the others still looked skeptical, Joker said," Ok, we'll show you. James, truth or dare?"

"Dare," he said with a hint of bravado in his voice.

"Brave man," Joker said with a nod. "Ok, why don't you do a little dance for us. On the table."

To James' credit, he didn't even bat an eye, just climbed up onto the table, making sure not to kick over all the glasses, and started dancing to the beat of the bass. Everyone at the table laughed and James beamed at the attention. When he sat down, Garrus and Ashley both clapped him on the back.

"Alright, James, now you can ask someone else."

Fixing his gaze on Tali, he said, "Ok, Sparks, truth or dare?"

Tali seemed much more hesitant than James. After weighing her options, she slowly said, "Truth."

"I'll go easy on ya," he said. "Have you ever used the fact that no one can see your face to lie to them?"

At that, Tali let out a derisive snort. "Of course."

The game continued on and remained good natured, although becoming more incomprehensible as round after round of drinks piled on the table. Shepard couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed so much or felt so relaxed. A comfortable warmth had settled over her mind and she let herself completely sink back into the booth, one arm around Liara and her other hand holding her drink. Joker's turn had just come around again, and she raised the glass to her lips as he said, "Alright, Liara, this one's for you. Truth or dare?"

The non-humans had quickly caught on that truth was generally the safer option and usually led to less embarrassment. So, Liara didn't hesitate before saying, "Truth."

Having known that she'd probably answer that way, a roguish grin spread across his face. "Good. My question is: what's the commander like in bed?"

Shepard choked on her drink and began coughing, bolting upright and glaring at the pilot. Liara looked absolutely stricken, first turning a paler shade of blue and then darkening as embarrassment kicked in. Everyone else at the table looked equally surprised; up till then all the questions had refrained from anything too personal. Yet they also leaned in to hear whatever Liara's answer would be.

Liara shot Shepard a panicked expression, obviously unsure what to do. Shepard threw up a hand and between coughs managed to croak, "You don't have to answer that."

Joker wagged a finger. "Yes, she does. I can ask anything, remember?"

Managing to clear her throat, Shepard said, "That's crossing a line. I'm calling an end to the game."

Joker frowned. "Don't be a stick in the mud, Commander."

"Think about it Joker. Do you really want to cross me?"

She could see him piecing her implication together: eyebrows furrowed, lips twitching down into a scowl. She'd known him long enough to have a substantial amount of dirt on him, not to mention she had plenty of power over him as his superior as well. Shrugging he said, "Ok, I see your point. We'll end the game."

There was a moment of awkwardness as everyone tried to pretend that the abrupt end of the game had never happened. Most excused themselves to buy more drinks or dance, and Shepard watched Joker and EDI leave with a glare.

When she and Liara were the only ones left at the booth, she heard the asari let out a pent up breath. "Oh, thank the Goddess," Liara muttered. "I did not want to answer that question."

"Tell me about it," Shepard agreed with a smile. "Some twisted version of whatever you said would be floating around the ship by tomorrow. Joker would be laughing about this for weeks."

Liara looked suddenly worried and she said quickly, "Of course, I would not have said anything bad, Shepard. I would have said you were good. No, great. I mean..." Shepard raised an eyebrow at her and she sheepishly touched a hand to her forehead. "I am going to stop talking now."

Laughing, Shepard signaled to a passing serving girl for another round of drinks. When they were alone again, she said, "Other than Joker being an ass, what did you think of our traditional Earth game?"

"It was quite interesting," Liara said. "Such a simple concept, yet a useful tool for establishing quick bonding. Shared information and shared experiences are two core components of forming social connections."

"Wow, even when you've been drinking, you still have an impressive vocab."

Liara blushed. "Well, I would not mind continuing the game, Shepard. Just you and me. I think it would be fun."

"Ok, why not? Truth or dare?"

She smiled and the look on her face was radiant. "Truth."

"What did you really think of me when we first met?"

Liara thought for a while, then said, "I was surprised, mostly. You dashed in to rescue me, then invited me aboard your ship, and showed me friendship even though you had every reason to distrust me. I was not sure if you were genuine. You were a puzzle that I wanted to figure out - to learn everything about."

"Did you ever think - when we first met - that we might end up together?"

"No, not for a long time. I had never thought of anyone in a romantic way. I wanted so desperately to be your friend that I never even dreamed that I might be more."

Shepard reached out her hand and stroked Liara's cheek, delighting in the knowledge that Liara was, in fact, hers. "I never loved anyone before you," she confessed. "Not romantically, I mean. I figured I wasn't even capable of loving someone like that. That maybe the part of me that knew about other things, besides fighting and revenge, had died a long time ago." Her words hung in the air for a while, seeming to block out the loud music and smoke and other people. But the alcohol coursing its way through her system was making it hard to take anything seriously for too long, so she said, "I'm glad I found you in that bubble."

Liara laughed, shaking her head. After taking another sip from her drink she said, "Your turn. Truth or dare?"

The alcohol had also begun creeping in on Shepard's senses, and the strain of forming coherent sentences was becoming tiresome. She didn't know if she could keep up a heart to heart, so she said, "Let's do dare."

At that, Liara smiled, taking Shepard's hand. "Great. I want you to dance with me."

Now Shepard couldn't help laughing. "You wouldn't ask me that if you had ever seen me dance. I'm terrible at it."

"I have very little experience with this sort of dancing as well," Liara said, perhaps trying to reassure the commander. "I just want to dance with you. You are the only person I have ever wanted to dance with."

Shepard sighed, knowing that she couldn't refuse to dance now. She still had a considerable amount of her drink left and giving it a resigned look, said, "Well, I'll need to be a bit drunker if this is going to happen." With practiced ease she threw back the drink in a few gulps, shaking her head as she slammed the glass back down on the table. Rising to her feet and pulling Liara with her, she added, "Good luck to me. I'll need it."

Having zero confidence in her dancing abilities, Shepard's bravado as she stepped onto the dance floor with Liara could only be contributed to her mild drunkenness. It was difficult to care about what anyone else might think when she couldn't seem to hold a thought in her head for longer than thirty seconds. Once in the crowd, Shepard allowed the mood of the club to overtake her - the frenzied desperation that she had noticed earlier - and her body moved of its own accord. And with eyes only for Liara, everyone else seemed to melt into the background.

Liara fared better at dancing, having a natural grace that Shepard lacked and a surprising understanding of club dancing. Knowing the asari, she had probably researched every aspect of club behavior in anticipation of this outing, including videos on how to dance. Though to be fair, anyone with semi-decent coordination could outshine Shepard on the dance floor. At least Liara didn't seem offended by Shepard's lack of skills, and even beamed back with amusement.

The asari artfully began to close the distance between them, her moves accentuating her curves and evoking something primal within the commander. She was all too aware of just how good Liara looked in that outfit, how perfectly balanced the senses of beauty and edge were on her right then. She felt her body move instinctively, eagerly helping close the gap so that Liara could place her hands on Shepard's waist. Some old piece of information picked up from her adolescence told the commander that the proper place for her own hands would be draped around Liara's shoulders. As she followed this inner-advice, it occurred to her that by human standards this would make her the girl in the pairing and Liara the guy. Well, Liara _was_ the one wearing the pants at the moment. It was exactly like the traditional Earth notion of a dance... except that they were both women, and in a club, and one of them wasn't even human. The thought, coupled with the alcohol, made Shepard giggle, and stretching her hands down Liara's back, she pulled the asari closer.

Bodies pressed together, dancing in time with the rhythm of the music and each other, Shepard let her fingers trace small circles across the skin exposed by the bare-back of Liara's halter top. This close, she could smell the soap on Liara's skin, the sweat, and the scent that was unique to her lover underneath all the rest. Hard to describe, Liara smelled... spicy. Or rather, what Shepard imagined spicy might smell like if it were possible for that taste to even have a smell. Or maybe she only thought that because the smell drove her crazy if she was exposed to it for too long. In small doses Liara's scent put her at ease, but after a while it caused her blood to boil until all she could think about was trying to quench that fire.

And if that wasn't enough to spark her desire, Liara knew the commander well enough to pinpoint her weak spots in a heartbeat. Leaning her head on Shepard's shoulder, the asari slowly nuzzled her face against the side of Shepard's neck. When her hot breath hit Shepard's skin, it felt like the heat was spreading up straight to the human's face and even fogging her mind. Suddenly she was hyper aware of how her neck tingled where Liara made contact, and aware of how close their bodies were pressed - legs almost inter-tangled, arms wrapped around the other.

But Liara didn't stop there, placing her lips against Shepard's throat and beginning a small trail of kisses that ran to the base of the human's jaw. She received a sharp dig from Shepard's nails as a sign that she'd succeeded in arousing the commander. Shepard felt her eyes nearly rolled up into the back of her head before getting a grip on herself with a shiver. Her hands wandered lower down Liara's back until they rested over her butt, and she couldn't help squeezing to give Liara a taste of her own medicine.

Were they even dancing anymore? Shepard realized that she had completely forgotten about the music and the other people all around them. With Liara so close, Shepard knew that her lover would have no trouble hearing her over the music. "Let's get out of here."

Pulling away and blinking as if surprised to find herself in the club, Liara just nodded in response. After Liara clutched onto Shepard's arm, the pair wove their way through the crowd and headed quickly for the exit. The coolness of the outside air hit them full force as they exited the club. Shepard could feel just how hot her skin was, as if she were running a fever. They entered the elevator and Shepard had to use all her concentration to find the right level to input. Her brain felt like a pool full of mud. Her thoughts dragged through the liquid, trying in vain to catch up with her body.

After figuring out the right floor to type in, Shepard turned back to Liara, only to have her shoulders suddenly hit the wall of the elevator while Liara eagerly drew her into a kiss. Patient tenderness had been left on the dance floor, and the kiss was immediately hungry and demanding. With one hand at the back of Liara's neck and the other on the small of her back, Shepard drew her lover closer. She was completely absorbed by Liara, her taste, her smell, the feel of her body wriggling beneath her hands. And for a moment she could just pretend that the Reapers didn't exist. That she and Liara were just ordinary people, in love, and nothing else mattered.

The illusion was so perfect, that she even forgot where they were. The elevator melted away as she closed her eyes, and all she could hear was their own panting in-between kisses. Shepard felt Liara's hand land lightly on her left leg, just above the knee, and then her hand traced upwards, sending a shiver through the commander. Breaking the kiss long enough to breathe, Shepard whispered her lover's name as Liara's hand continued its ascent, lifting Shepard's dress...

The sudden scraping noise followed by a ring as the elevator doors slid open made them both jump and look around, bewildered. Outside the elevator, the docking area was dark and empty. Blinking rapidly, it took Shepard a moment to remember where they were and she let out a nervous laugh. "I nearly jumped out of my skin," she said breathlessly.

"Me too," Liara agreed, though she gave the door a glare.

Thinking of how cute the asari looked while she pouted at being interrupted, Shepard guided Liara's chin with a finger so that she could steal a quick kiss. Then, grasping Liara's hand, she said, "Come on," and headed for the docking bay at a brisk pace. Once aboard the Normandy, Shepard idly wondered what time it was; obviously rather late since the docking area had been empty, but not too late since the ship still seemed devoid of crewmembers. In the wee hours of the morning they would start stumbling in after making the most of their shore leave.

The pair passed by Traynor's workstation on their way to the elevator, and the commander also wondered if her new comm specialist had made it back yet. She'd invited the young woman to join them at the clubs, but Traynor had declined saying that she had friends she wanted to see while on the Citadel and that the clubs weren't really her thing. Shepard couldn't help smiling as she realized that Traynor was definitely the black sheep of this crew - having a normal, healthy life outside of the Normandy and something better to do than drink with some of the most dangerous people in the galaxy.

Her thoughts of the crew vanished when they made it back to the captain's quarters. After locking the door, Shepard turned back to Liara, placing her hands on the asari's hips and slowly guiding her back towards the bed. "Truth or dare?" she asked.

Liara didn't hesitate. "Dare."

"I dare you to pick up where you left off in the elevator."

Liara grinned mischievously, and surprised Shepard by halting their advance to the bed. "That is easily done," she answered. Shepard only had time to lift an eyebrow before Liara gripped her by the arms and spun them both around so that Shepard's back was to the bed. Then she pushed the commander onto the sheets, falling with her so that her body pressed down on Shepard's. Her hand traced up the human's leg as she ducked her head for a kiss.

They made love until they were both spent, laying tangled in the sheets, wrapped in each other's arms. As they settled down to sleep, Shepard could still feel the ghost of shared sensation as she traced invisible circles on Liara's bare shoulder. Her lover hummed her contentment before drifting off and Shepard marveled at how lovely Liara looked, and how lucky she was to have someone so wonderful. Liara knew how close Shepard was to breaking, how much the losses of this war had taken their toll. And she knew how to distract the commander, make her feel like a normal person for a few hours. Although she knew a normal life was nothing they could ever have, it was nice to pretend. At least for a while.

After kissing Liara's forehead, Shepard let herself drift off - dreaming of a life free of the Reapers.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard was lying on her stomach, Liara curled up next to her, when she awoke to a loud hammering. The noise reverberated through her skull, enhanced by the alcohol still in her system, and she groaned into her pillow. What on earth was that god awful sound? Her head felt heavy and she couldn't think straight between her drunkenness and tiredness. She lay there listening to the sound for a while, wondering why it wouldn't stop, before she realized that it was someone pounding on the door. Propping herself up on one elbow and turning to look at the door on the opposite side of the room, she stared, mouth open in disbelief. Glancing at the alarm clock by the bed, she saw that it was almost four in the morning. Who would have the nerve to disturb her now?

Liara began to stir next to her, her face a mix of confusion and skepticism. Shepard could see her trying to work out if this was some sort of dream. The knocking at the door continued, becoming more insistent. Shepard and Liara exchanged a look before Shepard let out an aggravated sigh and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She set out looking for her clothes, finding her dress near the foot of the bed, next to Liara's pants, which she tossed to the asari. The knocking continued, and Shepard angrily shouted, "Just hold on a minute!"

After slipping her clothes back on and making sure Liara was dressed too, Shepard crossed over to the door and opened it with a scowl. Before her stood an anxious looking Samantha Traynor, still wearing a pair of white pants and blue blouse from her evening out. She blinked in surprise at the commander, which made Shepard even more agitated. "Oh wow," the woman said, "you look so different."

Shepard realized that this was the first time the comm specialist had ever seen her wearing civilian clothes or even with her hair down. Not to mention probably with a case of bed-head and not looking the picture of professionalism that she normally did. Sighing, Shepard said, "I really hope you have a good reason for this, Traynor."

She noticed Traynor's eyes drift behind the commander towards Liara, and then she quickly brought them back to Shepard's face. "Ah yes, well, I'm sorry to bother you, Commander, but I think it's an emergency."

"You think?"

"Well, when I got back to the ship, the terminal at my desk was going crazy. It turns out that the asari councilor had been trying to contact you for the last half hour. When I answered her call, she demanded to speak to you right away. I tried to tell her that you were unavailable, but she insisted. She seemed really worried. I tried calling up to your room but never got a response, so I came myself..."

Shepard's expression softened at that bit of news, and she felt a sudden tightness in her chest. She also instantly sobered up as adrenaline started pumping through her bloodstream. Why would Tevos call her at such an odd hour? The asari councilor had been keeping the most distance out of all the councilors, holding back asari support from the beginning. She had recently made a concession by pointing Shepard to Thessia as a place to look for answers regarding the Catalyst - in fact, Shepard planned to head there next - but otherwise she'd avoided contact.

"Did she say what she wanted?" the commander asked.

"No." Traynor shook her head. "She just said that she needed to speak with you. Immediately."

Nodding, Shepard said, "Patch her through to my terminal up here."

Traynor activated her omnitool and made the call transfer. Shepard turned to find Tevos' face displayed above her desk. Just as Traynor said, the councilor looked worried, frightened even. There was a wild look to her eyes, and a strain in her voice as she said, "Shepard, Thessia needs you."

Stepping towards the monitor so that the councilor would be able to see her, Shepard said, "What's wrong?"

If Tevos was surprised to see Shepard in a dress and with her hair down, she didn't show it. "The Reapers have attacked Thessia," she said. No games, no lies, just the simple, direct truth. Things must have been really bad if Tevos would be this open with Shepard. "Please, you must help my people."

Did she expect Shepard to waltz in and liberate the asari home world single-handedly? No, Tevos was smarter than that. She must have known that the asari's backs were finally against the wall. That now their only hope was to ally with the rest of the galaxy and hope Shepard could accomplish a miracle. Help Shepard do the impossible so that the asari had a chance to survive.

"Send as much help as you can to Admiral Hackett in order to complete the Crucible," Shepard said, her tone confident and strong, even if her insides twisted themselves into knots. "I'll head to Thessia immediately. Add your strength to what I already have gathered. We don't have any more time to wait."

Tevos nodded. Surely, she already knew what Shepard would say, had maybe already begun moving the asari forces, but she looked relieved nonetheless. Liara had been right. People looked to Shepard for hope. It felt strange to suddenly be telling one of the most powerful women in the galaxy that everything would be ok. That she, Commander Shepard, would protect her and the rest of her people.

God, she hoped that she could actually protect them.

"Thank you, Commander," Tevos said. "I will let asari command know that you are on your way. Please. Hurry." With that she ended the call and the room was suddenly so quiet. Shepard turned to see Traynor still standing in the hall, mouth open and staring at the monitor. She looked absolutely ill.

"Traynor, I need you to contact every member of the crew and tell them to report back at once. We leave in one hour. And find Joker and sober him up. EDI can navigate until he does, but I need him at his best as soon as possible."

"Yes, Ma'am," Traynor said before running to the elevator.

Shepard turned and found Liara, sitting on the edge on the bed and looking shocked. Shepard quickly crossed over to her, cupping her blue face in her hands. "Listen to me," she said. "It's going to be alright. The asari will fight back." Every planet that had been attacked had experienced different levels of success in holding their worlds. Earth was still holding, though barely. Palaven had been hit much harder and by all accounts was on its last leg. Tuchunka had somehow managed to keep the Reapers at bay, probably because the planet itself helped in the defense. The batarian home world had been razed to the ground... There was no telling how hard the Reapers would hit Thessia. With any luck, the asari would fend them off for a while. Long enough to complete the Crucible.

Liara looked at Shepard with wide eyes. "Those are my people, Shepard. I need to be there."

"You will be," Shepard promised. "We'll both be there to help. Soon. It will be ok."

But she knew that the time for pretending was over. The race for survival had begun and the end of this war was drawing to a close. They would live or die in a matter of days. Maybe weeks if they were lucky. Now was the time to gather and complete the Crucible. Nothing else mattered.


	11. The Fall

**Well, I guess I'll be the first to say it - since you are all too polite to mention the elephant in the room. "N.Q. Wilder, you are a terrible person." Yes, it's true. I admit it. My delay between each chapter is frustrating, even to me. I swear that I do try, but life seems to conspire against me. But that's little consolation to you, the readers, I know - so, I must, yet again, apologize.**

**Anyway, I decided to hand the reins over to Liara in this chapter because it is more her story than Shepard's, and also she gets one full chapter to herself per story. So far, in this story, we've seen Liara be the rock in their relationship, comforting Shepard through all the losses. Time for Shep to return the favor a bit. I've deviated a good bit from the actual conversation in game, but I think we can agree that that conversation probably should have been more fleshed out. And there should have been some sort of deeper connection if you romanced Liara.**

**Also, only two more chapters to go. I may just finished this before the year is out.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**The Fall**

Liara forced herself to slow her breathing. Made her mind focus on one thing at a time instead of grabbing every thought and boiling them all into one big mess. She'd come to her office to work, to help her people in whatever way she could. She needed to be calm. She needed to be rational. She needed to be the Shadow Broker.

"Glyph, access file Personal, subset Benezia."

"At once, Shadow Broker," came the emotionless, automated reply.

The database of files all relating to her mother popped up on the terminal. One of the first personal projects that Liara had undertaken as the Broker had been to collect all of Benezia's files and every scrap of information related to her. Being such a high ranking official, Benezia had a multitude of files - more than Liara had been able to look through. She'd separated the information in two broad categories: personal and work related. Then she had pored over the personal files - trying to remember, trying to learn. That was how she had learned of Aethyta. But now, Liara concentrated on Benezia's work files, searching for any shred of information about the Temple of Athame.

Less than an hour ago, after learning about the Reaper attack on Thessia, Shepard had received a highly secure message. In it there had only been one sentence and no signature.

_Go to the Temple of Athame._

Despite the lack of signature, they had both agreed that Tevos had probably sent the message. But why hadn't the councilor told Shepard about the temple during their conversation? Why the heavy encryption? The eeriness of it was enough to create a sense of foreboding that now sat like a stone in Liara's stomach.

As the commander had begun organizing their departure, Liara had set out to do the only thing she could think of: learn more. As the Shadow Broker, she had spies in every level of every government. There were no more secrets left in the galaxy. Or so she had thought. Yet, never had she encountered any connection between the asari government and the Temple of Athame. Searching for it in Benezia's files only brought up three hits, but all three made her breath catch in her throat. Every file was protected by a security encryption more complex than anything Liara had ever seen. And she had seen _a lot_ of good security.

"Glyph, can you access these files?"

It took less than a second for the drone to reply, "I'm sorry, Shadow Broker. This is beyond my capabilities."

She'd expected that though. "EDI," she said, knowing the AI could hear her anywhere aboard the ship. "I am patching you into my terminal. Can you access these three files?" She typed in the commands and waited five seconds this time for a response.

"No, I cannot." EDI sounded shocked. "This is amazingly complex encryption, Liara."

"I know," she answered. But where had it come from? And why was it used for these files? Hunches and feelings that she'd pushed to the back of her mind now resurfaced and began to piece themselves together. Tevos had taken a great risk sending Shepard that message about the temple. If her betters knew what she had done... she'd be replaced in a heartbeat. Maybe even erased. Whatever was in the temple was dangerous. Dangerous enough to warrant the development of an unprecedented security system. Could it truly be the Catalyst? If the Crucible was a super weapon capable of destroying Reapers, then was the Catalyst the source of that power? What was waiting for them at the Temple of Athame?

Liara pondered these questions while simultaneously sifting through everything she could find about the attack on Thessia. She pieced together a network of all the major areas of activity and resources, overlaid that onto a map of Thessia, and then sent the data to EDI who would upload it into the navigation software of Shepard's omni-tool. That's how Liara occupied herself for the next few hours until the Normandy neared the asari home world. When she finally got the call to head down to the shuttle bay, she nearly ran to the elevator. Her body seemed to be dumping adrenaline into her bloodstream at an inexhaustible rate.

When she arrived on the lowest deck, she saw Shepard standing by the shuttle, dressed in pristine, white armor and looking every inch the savior that people knew her to be. When it seemed like the rest of the galaxy churned with chaos, Shepard remained a calm, immovable center. Here, preparing to enter the heart of the storm, she looked so sure of herself. Of course, Liara knew better than anyone that Shepard's appearance of control was precisely calculated to put others at ease, even if the commander felt just as worried as everyone else. However, even knowing this Liara still felt better just looking at the human. More than anything she wanted to run into Shepard's arms and have her lover comfort her, to tell her that her people would be just fine. Yet, she knew that if she did that, then it would be nearly impossible to tear herself away again. If she went running in search of protection now, she might not have the strength to leave that safe haven and do what needed to be done.

Liara forced herself to stop staring at Shepard and instead looked at Lt. Vega who carried a large gun case to the shuttle and loaded it aboard. He was dressed in his usual thick body armor which made him look absolutely massive: broad shouldered, tall, and looming. She couldn't help frowning slightly at the sight. Not because she disliked the lieutenant - she had nothing against him - but because she didn't know him that well. This mission felt so personal, her home world under siege, that she would have preferred Garrus, Tali, or Ashley to join her and Shepard.

Her thoughts must have been plain on her face because Shepard said, in a low voice, "I don't know how bad things will be down there, but it will be good to have someone who can hold a line if need be. Besides," she added with a hint of humor, "he was one of the few without a hangover."

Liara blushed, feeling slightly guilty for so obviously being displeased with Shepard's squad choice. Shepard had proved herself an extraordinary tactician many times over, and if she thought James would be an asset, then Liara wasn't in a position to argue. And Shepard was right: usefulness was more important than worrying about having James witness such a personal struggle for her. She remembered Shepard saying that she had decided to trust James the second he crashed that shuttle in order to secure the data on Mars. While the action had been reckless, it had shown tenacity, and once pointed towards a goal, he wasn't one to give up. Perhaps that was exactly the type of person they needed with them at the moment.

Shepard gave her a worried look, though it was subtle, just a small frown and questioning eyes. A look just for Liara. In a quiet voice she asked, "Are you ready for this?"

"I have to be," Liara answered.

~.~.~.~.~

Burning. Her world was burning. Acrid smoke filled the air, the stench of blood and death and fire. And everywhere she looked a fresh scene of horror waited. To her right she saw a collapsed building with arms sticking out from the rubble, blue blood smeared where the hands had scraped and clawed, trying to pull the occupants free before they suffocated. To her left she saw a vehicle on fire, its driver still in the seat, charred black by the heat. It smelled like any kind of meat cooking, no different than any animal, and the thought made Liara suddenly convulse as she fought not to retch.

The air was full of gunfire. Some close by, some off in the distance, but constant as the asari fought for their world. Over the radio Liara could hear women screaming as husks tore them apart or a Reaper laser disintegrated them where they stood. And over all the chaos, Liara could hear the high pitched ringing that accompanied the Reapers. An indoctrination signal? She was never quite sure, but she ignored the sound with every inch of her being regardless.

Liara couldn't help looking towards Shepard as they progressed, wondering if the commander felt as sick to her stomach as she did. Did this remind her of Earth? Or Elysium? Or Mindoir? Did she see other battles in the flames all around them, or did she only see the present? This moment, this fight, and nothing else? The human's face was completely unreadable, even during the occasional skirmishes where she sent round after round of bullets straight through the heads of husks. But that was Shepard: calm and confident.

James, however, lacked the same level of control. One look at his face and Liara knew that he saw a repeat of the Reaper's attack on Earth. Rage and hate rippled off him in waves as he charged the husks, throwing himself at them like a rabid krogan. _Not here_, his body language screamed. _Not again._

Despite their various mental states, all three of them shared a sense of urgency. Shepard kept them moving at a demanding pace, only stopping to deal with any resistance on the way. The commander had always had the amazing ability to thrive under pressure. The more dire the circumstance, the greater the stakes, the more flawlessly she seemed to perform. And today her movements were perfect. Not a single wasted shot, every order to advance gaining valuable ground, and every push from the enemy diffused in a matter of minutes.

By the time they reached the Temple of Athame, they had left a path of fallen husks behind them. Shepard had them sweep the perimeter of the temple for any sign of an ambush before giving the all clear to relax a little. She holstered her sniper rifle, but kept her right hand on the pistol strapped to her side as she approached the altar. Liara and James followed, the asari recalling memories from her childhood as she glanced around. It had been so long, but she could remember bits and pieces from her childhood, when she had visited the temple. Mostly memories of her mother, though. How happy she'd felt to have her mother all to herself for a day. How beautiful Benezia had looked in her flowing, yellow dress. How her mother had talked about the proud history of the asari race.

"Look, over there." James voice snapped Liara out of her thoughts. "Two bodies." He pointed to the left of the altar where two asari lay motionless, their backs to the approaching trio. Shepard cautiously crouched down, tugging at one woman's shoulder so that she rolled over onto her back. She stared lifelessly up at the ceiling as a gash across her throat oozed blood, still relatively fresh.

Shepard jerked back as if burned, springing to her feet uneasily. For the first time during the mission her face showed emotion: eyes wide, mouth slightly agape in horror, skin suddenly pale. But her thoughts... those were somewhere else. Liara could tell that those violet eyes saw someone else reflected in the face of this dead asari. Then, in the briefest flash, those eyes were staring straight at her. They held an immense pain. And then Shepard looked away again, returning her attention to the dead women.

Liara looked at the commander's back, too shocked to move. Her? Was she the person who Shepard saw? The reason why she had reacted so visibly? But how? Suddenly Liara recalled the other night when Shepard had awoken so violently from sleep, obviously distressed. She'd said "I can't watch you die again." Is that what Shepard had seen in her Reaper dreams? Liara's throat slit just like this woman here? Liara's hand was already feeling at her throat before she realized what she was doing. Hastily she lowered her hands and forced them to remain at her side.

"Their throats have been slit," Shepard said, stating the obvious. "The cuts are fresh. Someone has been here before us."

"Husks?" James wondered. "Would husks cut someone's throat like this?"

"Maybe," Shepard muttered. She seemed confused. After shaking her head she stared at the bodies as if trying to separate reality from her nightmares. Then, turning her attention back to the altar, her voice was back to its usual strength. "Whoever did this is gone now, at any rate. Let's get what we came for and get out."

The question was: what had they come for? They still weren't sure. Shepard ran her fingers over the plaque on the altar, looking from it to the large statue before her. Obviously she couldn't read any of the asari writing, so she said, "Who's that supposed to be?"

The statue looked distinctly like an asari in many ways. The only real difference was her crest, which divided into two long tendrils rather than several. She'd been depicted with her hands clasped behind her back, staring up at the heavens. She was both familiar and divine. "It's Athame," Liara said. "Her image became more like ours over time."

James looked around the temple as if still expecting an ambush, but after finding nothing he turned his attention to the statue as well. "Is it just me, or is this a lot of trouble for a dead religion?"

He was right, in a way. Few asari still devoted themselves to the Goddess, but the religion still held some measure of significance. It was their history. Their origin. Even Liara, who didn't believe in the Goddess, still knew about the faith and knew that it influenced her. She'd whispered a few prayers now and then, in the darkest hours. Still, from what she had been able to uncover, the asari government had been funneling vast amounts of money into the temple's upkeep for centuries. A government didn't do that just to preserve history.

"I admit this does seem rather elaborate, even by our standards," she said. "Though Athame does have great historical significance. We once believed our gods were separate from the world, looking down on us. But now asari see everything as a cosmic whole. There is a universal energy from which all living things are formed." She was rambling, she knew, but the act of listing off information helped her think. Helped her order her thoughts.

Liara was so absorbed in her recitation of history that she didn't even notice Shepard reaching out to the statue. It wasn't until Shepard turned around suddenly that Liara stopped her rambling. "There's a Prothean beacon here," Shepard announced.

"What?" Liara asked, stumbling forward in surprise. "Are you sure?"

Shepard shook her head and tapped her helmet. "It's not something you forget."

"But why hide it?"

James' face took on a grave expression as he said, "If it's anything like what we found on Mars, this could be the jackpot." Then he looked at her, his eyes narrowing as if he were imparting a dangerous secret. "I'd say that's worth shutting up about."

Liara blinked at him. The Mars beacon? What did that have to do with anything? The Mars beacon had given humans mass effect drive, and introduced them to the rest of the galactic civilizations. Then there had been the First Contact War and the beacon... had been shared with the other civilizations once humans agreed to abide by Citadel law. The information contained in the beacon had proven extremely valuable, enough to help the galaxy make several more leaps in technology.

Suddenly, James' implication became clear and Liara couldn't help sputtering, "That... can't be. I cannot believe my people would keep this a secret."

She could see Shepard's eyes studying her, even from behind the glass of her helmet. The commander's face twisted into a grimace before she said, "A beacon like this could explain why asari are so advanced."

Liara could tell that Shepard was trying to be gentle about this for her sake. As non-asari, Shepard and James both had a right to be angry about this revelation. But they didn't seem angry. In fact, they nodded their heads as if this were all very logical. Which perhaps it was, but the thought upset Liara. Of course it made sense: every couple of hundred years scientists could unlock more information from the beacon, then advance asari society, leaving the rest of the galaxy to marvel and catch up.

For the humans this must be a comforting realization. The asari were not naturally more advanced than everyone else; they had been cheating all along. But for Liara the realization came like a hit to the jaw. Had she really never questioned it herself? Had she simply allowed herself to buy into asari superiority all her life? She had definitely thought that her people were better than this. Better than lying to the rest of the galaxy.

Yet, for now those thoughts had to be pushed aside. Regardless of what her people had done, they needed to finish their mission. Liara discovered several data streams linked to the beacon and with Shepard's ability to hear the Prothean language, they quickly uncovered them all. As they tapped into the last data steam, the statue began to crumble as the beacon beneath came to life.

And then to their surprise a VI appeared, a shining green orb that quickly assessed its surroundings. It seemed reluctant to talk to them after it determined that the Reapers had already reached Thessia, but Shepard was able to convince it to help them, probably due to the VI thinking she was some sort of Prothean herself. The commander demanded information on the Catalyst, to which the VI replied, "If you have followed the plans for the Crucible, I will interface with your system and assist with the Catalyst to -" The VI's voice broke off as it turned its attention to the back of the temple. "Indoctrinated presence detected. Activating security protocol." And just like that the VI disappeared, vanishing back into the beacon.

The trio turned to find a helicopter hovering just outside of the entrance, dropping off a person before pulling back into the sky. Shepard immediately positioned herself in front of Liara and James, raising her pistol. Her white armor, though dirty from the fighting, still reflected the light from the helicopter making her glow. The stranger wore all black in contrast, making it appear as if he were melting out of the shadows. He walked with a swaggering gait, oozing confidence. As his face swam into view Liara instantly recognized him. The man who had killed Thane. Kai Leng.

Shepard's voice came out as a dangerous growl. A promise of retribution. "You."

He smirked in response, lifting his chin and saying, "Yes, it's me." Then holding up a small sphere, he added, "Someone would like to talk with you."

He tossed the sphere towards them and a hologram of The Illusive Man appeared. As soon as his job was done, Kai Leng began to move away, pretending to admire the architecture of the temple. Both Liara and Shepard's eyes followed him warily, not willing to let him out of their sights. Shepard gave Liara a quick look, to which the asari nodded and Shepard finally turned her attention to The Illusive Man. While the commander tried to reason with a madman - he was so far gone that he had convinced himself it was possible to control the Reapers - Liara kept her gun trained on Kai Leng. Realizing that he couldn't just melt into the background, Kai Leng dropped his casual act and drew his sword. His movements changed to a careful prowl as he paced back and forth, smirking at Liara. The way he looked at her, like a piece of meat that he couldn't wait to sink his fangs into, made her skin crawl.

With her attention focused on Kai Leng, Liara only caught bits and pieces of Shepard's conversation with The Illusive Man, but it was enough to know that it wasn't going anywhere. Eventually his holographic self gave up on trying to turn the commander and turned his attention to his attack dog instead. "Leng, the commander has something I need. Please relieve her of it. And then bring me the data."

His form dissolved and Kai Leng stopped his pacing, a full smile now on his lips. "Understood." He crouched down as if readying to sprint towards them, but in the same instant Shepard had slung her sniper rifle from her back and had him in her sights.

"Not a chance," she whispered, a triumphant expression spreading on her face. As his foot came forward she pulled the trigger, sending a high impact round towards his chest. The shot took down his barriers in an instant, and James and Liara opened fire on his now defenseless form. But Kai Leng was fast. Fast enough to assess the situation and duck behind the cover of the temple pews before he would be riddled with holes.

"James, cover me," Shepard barked. "Liara, take our flank." Shepard moved in the opposite direction from the column of benches where Kai Leng hid, slowly edging towards an angle where she could see him behind his cover. James positioned himself so that he would be directly between them if Kai Leng should try to open fire on the commander while she worked her way into position. Meanwhile, Liara controlled the middle of the aisle, keeping their side covered if Kai Leng thought to circle around. He tried to move from his position a couple of times, but their combined firepower quickly put him back in his place. It seemed that they had him pinned down and within a matter of seconds Shepard would have a clear shot at him.

Or at least that's how it _seemed_ until Kai Leng called in for backup. As the helicopter flew back down by the temple's entrance, Liara's only thought was, _Oh no, I forgot about that_. The heavily armed machine wasted no time targeting Shepard, unleashing a volley of gunfire that forced the commander to take cover. Liara couldn't help but glance towards Shepard's position, affirming with her own eyes that she was safe, and seeing James moving in order to get a better shot at the copter.

And that split second of averting her eyes from Kai Leng was all it took for him vault out of cover and close the gap between them. When her eyes snapped back, his face filled her vision, and before she could form a single syllable, she felt a wrenching of her neck and shoulders. Then Liara found herself suddenly in the air, the temple a blur in her vision, followed by a jolt of pain as she slammed into something solid and heavy. Her head spun as she laid sprawled against whatever she had hit, and she heard Shepard call her name, then another round of gunfire from the helicopter, some shots from a rifle, and also a groan from somewhere nearby. As her vision began to settle, she realized that all around her were the broken, wooden remains of one of the pews. Then she realized that half of her body was resting on top of James, and it dawned on her that he must have been the solid thing that she had slammed into. He let out another groan and raised his head to blink at her in surprise. Liara just blinked back as her mind tried to piece together what had just happened.

Had Kai Leng thrown her across the room? Did that mean that he had a clear path to the beacon now? Liara tried to get up and felt a surge of pain radiate along her side where she had crashed into James. She forced herself to ignore it, but just as she was about to push herself to her feet she felt James grab her by the shoulders, push her to the ground, and press his body over hers. At first she had no clue why he was doing this and her instinctive reaction was to almost give him a biotic shove, but then she heard the firing of the helicopter's machine gun and the piercing ricochet as the bullets pinged the lieutenant's armor. It only took her a second to realize that he was trying to shield her with his body and she immediately threw up a biotic barrier around them both, stemming the flow of bullets before he could regret his decision to cover her.

She'd forgotten about that helicopter. Again. She would have to remember to thank James later. For now, her mind jumped between three things: the gunfire pinning them to this spot, concern about what may have happened to Shepard, and fear over Kai Leng getting his hands on the beacon. Once James realized that Liara had put up a barrier, he pulled back so that she could sit up and try to get her bearings again. She spotted Kai Leng, only feet from the beacon, his sword in hand.

She heard Shepard before she saw her. There was a furious yell and then the commander appeared from behind support columns, opening fire with her heavy pistol. Kai Leng staggered as the shots hit his barriers, but then regained his footing and charged at the commander. Shepard brought up her omni-blade just in time to block her face and they remained deadlocked for a few seconds. Liara could see their lips moving, but was too far to make out what they were saying.

Suddenly the gunfire from the helicopter ceased. Kai Leng reacted in a flash, pushing away from Shepard with the help of his mechanically augmented limbs and catching her in-between the plating of her armor on her left arm with his sword. Shepard stumbled back just as the first missiles from the helicopter struck the support beam next to her. The entire ground shook from the impact and the heavy stone column bore a gigantic crack from where the missile had struck.

The rest happened in a matter of seconds. Liara dissolved the barrier surrounding her and James at the same time that the second missile struck. The column broke free and began to fall right on top of Shepard. James held Liara back from rushing towards the danger herself. Shepard dove out of the column's path, narrowly avoiding being crushed. A third missile slammed into another support column and a noticeable shockwave caused the entire floor to heave. Liara knew something was terribly wrong even before she saw the floor on the left side of the temple begin to rip open. Shepard scrambled over debris, trying to avoid the ever widening gap. At the same time, Kai Leng reached the beacon and took the data. Liara could see both of them from where her and James were and she knew that Shepard would want her to attack Kai Leng, but she couldn't shake the fear gripping her heart as she watched Shepard race against the growing chasm in the floor. She pushed herself to her feet and took a few hesitant steps towards them both, all the while whispering a quiet prayer, "Please..."

Then another missile from the helicopter caused the entire left side of the temple to collapse suddenly. Liara just managed to catch a glimpse of Shepard's eyes, instantly full of fear, before the commander fell from view. "No!" Liara screamed and she completely forgot about Kai Leng and the data. All that mattered was saving Shepard. Getting her back.

She sprinted to the edge of the chasm, tossing obstacles out of her way with biotics. She arrived at the lip of the gap just as a gloved hand jolted into view, scrambling to get a grip on something solid. Leaping for the hand, Liara clutched Shepard's right arm before she slipped down into the darkness below. Shepard looked up at her from behind her helmet, her face slightly relieved, but mostly frantic. She swung her left arm up so that Liara could get a better grip on her, but the second strain was placed on her injured arm Liara saw the commander grit her teeth and heard a sharp intake of breath. There was no way the commander would be able to pull herself up and Liara was using biotics just to hold them in place. Her own position on the ledge was precarious at best and she doubted that she could pull them both to safety even with her biotics.

Then she felt something solid and secure wrap about her waist and lift her up. She concentrated on keeping a hold on Shepard as they were both lifted from the pit and dragged a safe distance away. Both she and Shepard were breathing heavily and when she looked to see what had saved them, she saw James looking worn as well. Suddenly she was unbelievably thankful that Shepard had had the foresight to bring him. She doubted anyone else, besides a krogan, could have lifted both of them without any help. He'd saved her, but more importantly he had saved Shepard, and Liara would be eternally grateful to him for that.

The asari turned back to see to the commander, but found Shepard already on her feet. Her white armor was now more of a gray color from all the falling debris and dust, and a pool of blood had begun to spread along her left arm. The tightness of her jaw and the hunch of her posture indicated that she was in pain, but her eyes were focused on something towards the entrance of the temple. When Liara turned her head she saw Kai Leng leap into the waiting helicopter. As the vehicle began to rise, Shepard drew her heavy pistol and moving forward she fired on the copter. Her bullets didn't even graze the machine as it pulled away and quickly melted into the horizon.

All Liara could do was silently mouth the word, "No." Cerberus had won? How could they possibly complete the Crucible without that data? How could Liara save her people without it? Staring at Shepard's back, she half expected to see the commander sprout wings and fly after the helicopter. She expected to see the commander do the impossible yet again. It couldn't end like this. Not like this.

Then a voice came over the radio. The captain they had met earlier calling for help, for evacuation. Liara listened to the woman's pleas for help and watched Shepard immediately respond. The defeat etched over her body transformed into desperation as if to say "Please, don't let me lose this battle too."

Liara turned her head to look at the ruined remains of Athame's statue, now more beacon than stone. _Have mercy on us in great peril_, she prayed, the words coming to her from somewhere way back in her childhood. _Destroy the evil that we suffer and cannot overcome without your assistance. Have mercy on your daughters, O Goddess, and protect us from harm_. She could not remember the last time she had whispered such a prayer.

But if the Goddess was real and if she heard Liara's prayer, she chose to ignore it. When Liara turned her eyes back to the temple entrance she saw a different kind of god descend from the clouds of ash that surrounded her burning planet. A Reaper landed at the city heart of Armali and over the radio Liara could only hear screams as a hundred asari died. And she realized that her world was lost.

There was no mercy left on Thessia.

~.~.~.~.~

Liara was making herself sick. Every second she spent looking at the reports from Thessia and her mother's old files made her stomach knot. Fresh tears continued to spring to her eyes, and her sobs came out as strangled choking noises. Sitting on the bed in her office, staring at a collection of datapads, she wished that she could pull herself together. But she couldn't. In one day she had watched her world fall to the Reapers, learned that her government had committed a crime against the rest of the galaxy by hoarding a prothean beacon, and lost the key to defeating the Reapers to Cerberus.

Her blue eyes fell over Benezia's files again and Liara frowned. Her mother had known all along; that was clear now. She'd known about the beacon, about the government's deception, all of it. How funny it must have seemed to her when Liara chose to become a prothean expert. Just a delicious, ironic little twist.

As Liara sat stewing in her own grief, the doors to her office, which she'd locked, opened. Only one person had the authority to override that lock. Shepard. The commander strode into the office, shutting the doors behind her and relocking them. Liara noticed how tired she looked. Shepard always looked tired these days. Yet, she looked especially worn at the moment, shoulders sagging, violet eyes hollow, expression grim. She must have broken to news to their allies, told Tevos and Hackett and all the rest that they had lost the data. Liara also noticed that she didn't wear her usual officer's jacket at the moment, just a white tank top instead. A bandage wrapped around her left arm suggested that she had just been to the infirmary to see to her injury from Kai Leng.

Liara quickly averted her eyes, not sure if she could bear to look at Shepard at the moment. The injury, Shepard's tiredness, they were both reminders of how close Liara had come to losing the commander today. Suddenly the Reapers seemed infinitely more menacing and she feared another close call. She couldn't lose Shepard. That was one thing she could not bear. Never again.

The commander didn't say anything, just stood near the area that divided the office from the bedroom in the back. Her violet eyes studied Liara for a while, studied the datapads, and then studied the floor. She seemed as lost for words as Liara, and just as reluctant to acknowledge everything that had gone wrong.

"You must think I am so weak," Liara whispered, wiping a few tears from her eyes before raising her head to look at the commander. Shepard's brow immediately furrowed in concern - just as Liara knew it would - and she took a step forward. But that was Shepard: protective, brave, and ready to come to the rescue at a moment's notice. Liara saw Shepard open her mouth, knew that she was about to argue with her, so she cut her off by saying, "Here I am distraught over the fall of Thessia when you have already watched your world fall to the Reapers. Watched several worlds fall to those monsters. And I know that what really matters is getting that data back from Cerberus, but all I can see is the Reapers tearing apart my planet, my people."

"Liara, no one expects you to watch your home world get taken and be ok," Shepard said. The human made a move as if to close the gap between them, but she hesitated instead, perhaps sensing that Liara wasn't ready for that. What Liara wanted was to be alone, to let the guilt and grief just tear her apart, but she knew Shepard would never let that happen. If Liara would never let Shepard do that to herself, then Shepard wasn't about let her do the same. Bitterly, she thought _Fair is fair, I guess._

"I saw you only hours after Earth was taken," Liara said. "You were fighting, doing what needed to be done. Even James and Ashley were right there with you. Me... All I can think about is how stupid I was. I keep reliving it in my head, and every time I realize that I did everything wrong." She blinked as a fresh wave of tears collected in her eyes and then ran down her cheeks. "Was I really that naive, Shepard? Did I really buy into it all like the rest of asari society? I mean, it just seems to awful and silly now. Asari superiority. Was I actually that close-minded and proud that I thought the asari were somehow better than everyone else? That somehow we could hold the Reapers back while the rest of the galaxy fell?" She slammed her fist into the pile of datapads on her bed, making them jump and slide away. "And in reality asari superiority wasn't just a lie; it was a trick! We kept a beacon from the rest of the galaxy and used it to keep ourselves in power. It makes me sick just thinking about it."

"You shouldn't blame yourself for that," Shepard said sternly. "Blame the asari government for keeping it a secret, blame me for losing to Kai Leng, but don't blame yourself. You had no blame in what happened down there."

Liara almost laughed bitterly at that. Instead she raked her fingers across her face and shook her head. "That's why you're so strong Shepard. I remember when my mother died you told me I could blame you. Now you tell me I can blame you for this... And I know that if I did, you would accept that blame, and even if it killed you on the inside, you'd still do what needed to be done. You'd hunt down Cerberus and make things right. But I- I just feel so lost." She looked at Shepard, an almost pleading look. "I do not blame you. I could never blame you. But I do not know who I blame more: the government for lying to the galaxy, or myself for believing those lies without question. And as for me... I knew about the Reapers - knew they were coming - and I did not do enough to warn my people."

Now Shepard looked angry, her lips twisted into a scowl, nose wrinkled in disgust. "It wouldn't have mattered. They wouldn't have believed you. My people didn't believe me, the turians didn't believe Garrus, and the quarians may have believed Tali at some point, but they still started a war with the geth!" She shook her head. "Thessia fell because like everyone else in the galaxy they thought they couldn't fall. But the Reapers are showing us that we're all capable of falling. I just hope that once everyone has been pushed down, that we all rise together to stop the Reapers."

Liara had to admit that those words did make her feel better. Maybe she had been an idiot for buying into asari superiority, but if the asari proved that they were just the same as everyone else... was that so bad? Yet, all it took was another glance at the datapads in front her for those feelings of comfort to fade. Staring at Benezia's files she said, "I cannot believe that my mother knew about the beacon. Knew and allowed it. Knew and never told me. Even after I became an expert on protheans. She must have thought I was such a fool."

"I don't think she thought that at all," Shepard said, inching towards the bed. She moved slowly, gauging Liara's reaction and when the asari did not seem upset by her approach, she sat at the edge of the bed. "No one could think that you're a fool. She probably didn't tell you because she wanted to protect you. If you'd known about it, you would have had to keep it secret too. Would you really have been happy if you knew about it?"

Liara shook her head. "I suppose not. I guess she had to keep it secret. If the other civilizations knew that he asari had lied all along..."

"Exactly." Shepard slowly inched her way across the bed so that she could put her arm around Liara. "I agree that what the government did was wrong, but what your mother did was to protect you and your people."

Liara finally allowed herself to relax a little, turning into Shepard's embrace and letting the commander's arms wrap around her. She remembered how she had wanted to do just that earlier in the day as well. Shepard always had the ability to make things seem right again. Resting her cheek on Shepard's shoulder and closing her eyes, Liara breathed in deep. The air shuttered in her uneasy breast, but it was a start. She just needed a moment to put everything back together.

"Please," she whispered, letting herself melt into the commander's embrace. "Can we just stay like this for a little while?"

"Of course," Shepard murmured back, caressing the top of Liara's head and pressing her lips against the asari's forehead. "For as long as you want."


	12. I Will Arise

**Perhaps unsurprisingly, my favorite part of this chapter is the nightmare. I can't help but look at what Bioware gave us and think "Oh, I can do better than that." I decided to include a nod to the original nightmare and then run in a new direction. I wanted to convey as clearly as possible just what is at stake in this final battle. As for the romance scene, I will admit that I loved what was in the game. I thought, given the fact that every Shepard is different, that that scene was damn near perfect. So I didn't want to deviate too much. However, I wanted to add some personal touches that are more in line with Sophia.**

**The poems referenced in this chapter are from Milton's "Paradise Lost" and the collected poems of Stevie Smith. All three (Milton's is a mix of two segments) have been modified to better fit within the story. Also to save you time, the latin phrase in the last poem translates to "Fate drags me unwilling." And for anyone interested in poetry: yes, I am aware of certain implications made by the selections I have chosen. I actually have thought very hard about how those implications function within the work and I'll be more than happy to discuss those issues with anyone who is curious or interested. Otherwise you can just take the selections at face value. Oh, and also there is a very brief Shakespeare reference (I'm not really a Shakespeare fan though, but it's a good line).**

**It has really just dawned on me that I now have only one more chapter to write in this story. It will be almost a year and a half since I started writing this series - it seems so odd now that it will soon come to an end. But I suppose I will save my closing remarks for the next chapter.**

**To celebrate the last chapter, though, I plan to read through the entire story again and finally fix some of the formatting errors and grammatical mistakes that have been lingering. Not to mention revisit it all one more time. It has really been quite a journey.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**I Will Arise**

"So, what do you think?" Shepard asked, leaning over the holographic display in the war room of the Normandy. Standing across from her, on the other side of the circular projector, Garrus rapped his talons on the metallic rim before shaking his head.

"I think there is a lot of ways this can go wrong, Shepard."

They were completely alone in the room, and Shepard had even ordered EDI to refrain from listening in on their conversation. She wanted his honest opinion on her plan of action. His opinion and no one else's. She knew he would see it as it truly was and that he would weigh everything into the decision - no matter how unpleasant it was to consider certain things.

Her plan, now that they knew where Cerberus was, thanks to Miranda's help and what they had learned from that godforsaken place on Horizon, was to charge in at once. Storm the Cerberus base, recover the stolen data, and blow the place sky high. There would be no subtlety and no mercy. But that wasn't the part that troubled him, Shepard knew. The problem with the plan was what came after the Cerberus base. She'd proposed an immediate turn around from the attack on Cerberus to the attack on the Reapers. Once they knew what the catalyst was, they would find it, fix it to the Crucible and launch the final battle. No down time other than what was absolutely necessary. No turning back. From a strategic point of view, Shepard would be forcing the galaxy to go all in. They would defeat the Reapers or they would all die.

"I hate to say it, Shepard, but this plan all hinges on us getting out of the Cerberus base alive."

"Do we have a choice?" she said dryly, shrugging her shoulders. "The fate of the galaxy hinges on that stolen data. I'll make sure we get that data, no matter what."

"How?"

"EDI has asked to go to the Cerberus base. I think she wants revenge, but all the same she's made a persuasive argument for being included. She knows their system and can hack into it. She'll get us in and she'll keep us alive. At least long enough for us to get the data. All she needs is a second with that data to upload it to the Normandy. One second. I'll do whatever it takes to get that second."

His mandibles twitched as if he'd tasted something sour. "So, we infiltrate Cerberus and if our backs are against the wall we make sure that EDI gets her hands on the data, even if it costs our lives. Is that it?"

"No, not we," Shepard answered quietly. "You won't be coming on this mission, Garrus."

He stared at her, both stunned and angry, unable to form words. He began pacing back and forth, glaring at her across the holographic images. "I understand bringing EDI, but she's not a fighter. You need someone to watch your back and, by the spirits, it should be me! Who could you take that would be better than me?"

Shepard could see that his pride was hurt, and she couldn't blame him. If their roles were reversed, she'd demand that he take her. But she had her reasons, all the same. "No one. There's no one that I could trust more than you to protect me, Garrus. But you have a more important role to play, though I hope you will never have to fulfill it."

He stopped his pacing. Shepard could see him working it out on his own, even as she explained it.

"If I don't make it back from the Cerberus base, then it will be up to you to finish this. You'll take the data to Hackett, finish the Crucible, and crush the Reapers. You made me that promise, remember?"

"I do," he answered. Then taking a deep breaths and sighing, he said, "Unfortunately, I do remember."

Shepard wished that she could tell him how thankful she was that he didn't continue to fight her. That was precisely why they were such good friends. Garrus, like her, was logical. And he was honorable. He'd keep his word. Shepard forced a smile for him and added, "Don't worry too much. I have no intention of dying anyway. You know I always have a million backup plans that I never end up using." Coming over to the holographic display, the commander changed the image to one of the Crucible. "Now, can we agree that the attack on the Cerberus base has to happen? No alternatives?"

Though reluctant, he said, "Yes, we can agree."

"Then let's talk about the Crucible and the second part of the plan. What do you think?"

"Is the immediate turnaround after the base a good idea? Why not lay low and plan?"

"We're running out of time. I talked to Anderson the other day and from the sound of it they're barely holding on to Earth. Now Thessia has fallen, along with the Hanar home world. For now only Rannoch and Sur'kesh and Tuchunka are free. That won't last long. The longer we wait the fewer resources we'll have."

"Still, a little time to gather might be worth the cost. I hate to say this Shepard, but... have you thought about giving up Earth? The Reapers hit it first because they wanted to hurt you, and they won't let up until it's completely fallen. But if we focused our attention elsewhere... chose to fight elsewhere, then we could have a little more time." The commander knew that he didn't mean any malice by suggesting it. Like her, he knew that leaders had to make hard decisions and must consider every possibility.

Shepard looked down at the floor, frowning. "I'm sorry to say, yes. I have thought about abandoning Earth." Placing both hands on the rim of the projector she bowed her head. "It feels like a betrayal just thinking about it, but I had to consider it. If abandoning Earth meant winning the war then we might have had to do it." She looked up at Garrus, her face like stone. "But I don't think abandoning Earth will help us. The last time I talked to the Illusive Man I thought... well, I think that he's been indoctrinated. And if that's the case, then the Reapers know everything. About the Crucible, about the Catalyst, about our desperation. That's why this has to be so fast. They'll be coming for us, soon. We have to strike first. I think it's our only chance."

"If that's true," Garrus replied, "then you're right. If this were a war with the turians, they would come at us without mercy. The Reapers are even more ruthless. I can't even imagine what they will do if allowed to strike first."

"My thoughts exactly." Pushing away from the projector, Shepard pulled herself up to her full height and stared Garrus straight in the eye. "But please, Garrus, if you see any other plan, anything better, please tell me. I know that so much could go wrong with this plan. I just don't see any other way."

He stared back at her, thinking, and then shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't think of anything better, Shepard. You're right. This is our only chance of survival. But I'm with you. Every step of the way."

~.~.~.~.~

There were few things Shepard found more comforting than the feel of a book in her hands. She couldn't help feeling sentimental while turning the pages and looking at the printed words. Relics of a dead age some might call them, but to her books represented everything that was best in humanity. Sources of knowledge, entertainment, and wonder, passed from hand to hand and shared among all. It reminded her of all the countless people who had come before her and all the countless people she hoped would come after.

Sitting on the couch in her room, feet propped up on the coffee table, Shepard leisurely flipped through the book of poetry in her hands. As her eyes scanned the pages she saw all her old favorites, marked heavily in ink with her own annotations and thoughts. Yet she had already revisited all those and the words had not assuaged the foreboding in her heart. She'd hoped to find some sort of way to put her emotions into words - some sort of clue that she was not the only human to ever feel such a terrible mixture of grief, fear, relief, and resolve.

She picked some poems at random, scanned the lines, found them unsuitable and moved on to the next. Shepard was still consumed by her search when she heard the door to her room open and looked up to see Liara walking down the stairs. The asari wore a simple lab outfit, a zipped up, white jacket and long pants.

The asari smiled with such a look of love and tenderness that Shepard felt her breath catch in her throat. "I wondered where you were," she said.

When Shepard managed to find her voice again she said, "EDI didn't tell you?"

At that Liara smirked. "She respects your privacy. Not like me." Coming to stand at the edge of the couch, she pointed to the book in Shepard's hand and asked, "What are you doing?"

Swinging her legs off the table and sitting up, Shepard shut the book and held it up for Liara's inspection. "Just reading some poetry. It helps me put things into perspective."

Reaching out to take the book, Liara examined the cover intently. "I know this book. It was one of the books you had in our apartment after the fight with Saren. You read it all the time. When you... after the collector attack it was the only one not on the bookshelf."

Shepard nodded. "And now I have it again, thanks to you. I'm so glad you saved all my old books. I lost a lot that day. It's nice that not everything was destroyed. And besides," she added, pointing at the book, "that particular poet, despite being my favorite, was never very famous. It would have been nearly impossible to find a replacement copy of that book."

Liara flipped through the pages, though she couldn't understand the words written in an alien language. "You have talked a lot about this poet before. What sort of poetry does she write? Love poems?"

At that, Shepard laughed. "No, not really. She has very few love poems. No, her stuff has always been criticized for being too dark - which is a shame because she's actually the most optimistic poet I have ever read. People just couldn't see it, I guess. Anyway, her poetry is all about big ideas. Things we can only wrap our brains around when it's expressed in poetry."

Liara shook her head with a small laugh, setting the book down on the coffee table. "I am afraid that I will never really understand poetry like you do. Often it seems too simple and too complex, all at the same time. Although somehow I understand it better when you say it. You make the words come alive."

Shepard rose to her feet, grinning. "That's funny because you make certain words come alive for me. Lines of poetry that I never truly understood until I met you." Coming over to Liara, Shepard cupped the asari's face in her hands and stared into her sapphire eyes. They seemed like deep, dark oceans - endless and vast. And even though Shepard knew how young Liara was by asari standards, somehow her eyes always seemed to hold such wisdom.

The words were already on the tip of her tongue, called forth in an effort to explain Liara's perfection. She said the words without really thinking. They just seemed so natural. "Fairest of creation, last and best of all God's works. In whom whatever can to sight or thought be formed: holy, divine, good, amiable, or sweet." And each word did taste sweet to say. Liara looked at her with wide, wondering eyes and lips slightly parted. "Who my thoughts pursue with wonder... and do love... so lively shines in her divine resemblance, and such grace the hand that formed her on her shape hath poured."

Liara blinked at the commander. "I... I do not know what to say, Shepard. That was beautiful." Laying a hand over Shepard's and pressing her face into the human's hands which were still cupping her face, she added, "None of it was true, of course. You give me way too much credit. But the words were lovely."

Shepard smiled and softly kissed Liara before saying, "Not true? Oh, Liara, if you only knew... I admit that I never saw a goddess go; but I have seen you, and that is far better in my book."

Liara flushed a darker shade of blue and averted her eyes. Shepard laughed at that, pleased to find herself on the other side of things for a change. Before she could press her advantage, though, Liara tactfully changed the subject. "I wanted to make sure that you were doing alright, Shepard. After you told the crew about the mission plan to the Cerberus base you vanished. Do you..." She trailed off, thinking about the right way to phrase it. After a while she shook her head and said, "Do you feel ready?"

Shepard's expression darkened and she let her hands fall from Liara's face. Shrugging, she walked the few feet in order to sit on the edge of the bed. Her shoulders sagged a little, as if from holding up the entire galaxy for so long. "You first," she said.

"Huh, very fair," Liara replied with a smirk. Looking down at her hands, she considered the question for a minute before replying. "What I want most is for this war to end, while there is still a galaxy left to save." She paused, thinking about that and then added, "And everyone is counting on you to do that for us. It must be overwhelming."

"How do you get ready for something like this? How do you fight an enemy like this?"

Liara continued to stare at her hands and then shrugged, shaking her head. Looking back at Shepard with a smile, she said, "You cajole, and threaten, and make tremendous sacrifices." Coming over to sit next to Shepard, the asari placed a hand on the human's knee. "Until the galaxy realizes that it has someone worth following."

"You think so?"

"There is no doubt in my mind. You have led us this far already. You are the only person who could have done all this. And if anyone can lead us to victory, it is you."

Both leaned back on the bed to look up at the sky window. Distant stars twinkled in the black void, endless and vast. Countless worlds and countless lives - all counting on them, all counting on a triumphant end to the war, all counting on Shepard.

Liara gently placed her hand over Shepard's, intertwining their fingers. When the commander turned her head to look at her, Liara smiled. "It would be easy for a single ship to get lost out there. Wouldn't it?"

Shepard knew exactly what she meant. With the Normandy they could easily run away from it all. "Yeah, it would," she whispered.

"To find some place very far away, where we could spend the rest of our lives in peace. And happiness."

But how long could it last? A few years maybe? How could they ever be happy when they knew that the end was coming after them? Always chasing at their heels. Always seeking to destroy them.

So, Shepard shook her head. "Our place is right here, aboard the Normandy, leading the fight. It always has been. For good or for bad we were destined to be here." Looking at Liara intently, feeling her heart ache under the strain of constraining all her love, Shepard said, "And my place is here, next to you. Right now there's no place I'd rather be."

"Neither would I." Liara leaned in and kissed the commander, her lips soft and warm against Shepard's mouth. Pulling away only slightly, so that their foreheads touched, Liara whispered, "I love you, Shepard."

Looking at Liara and knowing no words could ever quite express how much she loved her, Shepard said, "I love you sub specie aeternitatis."

Leaning in again and brushing her lips against Shepard's, not quite a kiss, Liara murmured, "Show me."

Not needing to be told twice, Shepard kissed Liara passionately, pressing her down onto the bed. She loomed over her lover, hungrily demanding kisses while Liara's hands wandered along her body, unbuttoning her officer's jacket with practiced efficiency. Shepard's own hands found the zipper of Liara's lab jacket and she eagerly stripped off the top, exposing the blue flesh beneath. Her kisses trailed down to the asari's neck and she could feel Liara's pulse pounding against her lips: fast and strong. A sign that they were both still alive, despite everything the galaxy had thrown at them. A sign that Liara's heart still belonged to Shepard.

At some point Liara had managed to rip off Shepard's jacket, though the commander had hardly noticed. Sitting back, Shepard crossed her arms at her waist and pulled her undershirt over her head in one fluid motion. With a seductive smile, Liara used her biotics to draw Shepard back in, dragging the commander so that their bare flesh touched. She twisted her slender, blue fingers into the human's black hair, undoing the tight, military bun so that the black locks fell around Shepard's shoulders. Then their lips met again and Shepard felt suddenly intoxicated, drunk off of the way Liara filled her senses: her taste, her smell, the way she looked, the way her breathing came out in quick intakes of breath or long sighs, and the way she felt pressed against the commander's body.

She was so absorbed in these sensations that it almost surprised her when she felt Liara's hand trail down her body, starting at the throat, sliding over her breasts and stomach - causing her abdominal muscles to involuntarily contract as if aroused by the very touch - and then coming to rest over the zipper of her pants. That coupled with the slight pain from the twisting of her hair and the sweetness of the kiss made Shepard groan into Liara's mouth and cup one hand around Liara's waist to steady herself.

She felt torn between her desire to just rip off the rest of Liara's clothes as quickly as possible and to savor every moment of their time together. After all, considering that the final attack on the Reapers was imminent, it was possible that this could be their last night together. The thought suddenly brought Shepard up short and a cold fear clutched at her chest. Breaking the kiss, she leaned back enough so that she could see Liara's face, but not far enough to break the contact of their bodies. She saw Liara search her eyes for a minute and then reflect the fear that she must have seen there.

"Liara," Shepard said in a low whisper, "if-"

Those sapphire eyes, which moments before had seemed liquid and fluid, now turned instantly hard. "No, Shepard. Anything you say that starts with the word 'if' is something I do not want to hear."

"I know, but -"

"I said no, Shepard. I will not hear it." Moving one hand from Shepard's hair to her shoulder, and the other to her torso, Liara surprised the commander by rolling her over so that Liara now looked down at Shepard. She pinned the human's legs with her hips and leaned over her so that their faces hovered mere inches from one another. "I will not let you say goodbye, Shepard," she said firmly. "Never again."

Shepard's cheeks flushed red. Liara had seen through her in an instant. She was suddenly hyper aware of her chest rising and falling as she breathed heavily, and her stomach twisting into knots as she looked at Liara's face. It would be useless to deny that saying goodbye was precisely what she had intended to do. It seemed like over the last few weeks everyone had been trying to say goodbye to her; and while the sentiment had disturbed her, she allowed it because there was always the possibility that it was their only chance.

"How could you think that I would let you say goodbye to me?" Liara said, her voice half angry - as if she wanted to slap Shepard - and half passionate - as if she wanted to kiss her at the same time. "Would you have ever allowed me to say goodbye to you?"

Shepard blinked. No, she never would have let Liara say goodbye to her. At least, not in the same way. If Liara died, Shepard knew that she wouldn't live long. She would throw herself into a suicide mission the instant she realized that she would have to face the future without Liara. She wouldn't allow herself to feel that pain. She just couldn't do it.

When Liara saw the stunned realization on Shepard's face, her own expression softened and she leaned in to softly kiss Shepard before saying, "You made a promise to me, Shepard. You promised to always come back to me. I want you to promise me again - right now - that you will come back to me. No matter what."

Wrapping her arms around Liara and pulling her in closer, Shepard smiled and looked into Liara's sapphire eyes. "I promise, she said, before kissing the asari and putting her fears to rest.

The mood of their passion has changed though, from a hungry sort of aggression to a softer, more tender approach. When their clothes had vanished and they were completely entangled in the sheets, their lovemaking was long and rewarding. And when they finally fell asleep, wrapped in each other's arms, they were both fully content and ready to face the future.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard knew these woods, this dark place. She knew the black and shriveled trees, rotted and decayed. She knew the gray, lifeless pallor of the sky and the stillness of the air. She knew that only death waltzed through this orchard of despair. And she knew what she saw here could only bring her pain.

So she shut her eyes and willed herself elsewhere. Back to her bed with Liara lying next to her, safe and happy. If she knew that she was dreaming, why couldn't she wake up? It wasn't real. All in her head, it was all in her head. Somehow the Reapers were able to reach into her thoughts while she slept and twist her memories into perversions of true horror. If only she could get her mind back. If only she could wake up. If only...

The sound of laughter filled her ears, a child's giggle in the distance. Trying to ignore it and with her eyes still shut, Shepard concentrated on what she knew to be true. _This is a dream. You are really asleep aboard the Normandy. You must fight the Reapers. You must win. The galaxy depends on it. You were born on Mindoir and -_

Another bout of laughter. Closer this time. Shepard could feel herself slipping. Gritting her teeth and squeezing her eyes shut tighter, she tried to concentrate harder. _You were born on Mindoir and batarians attacked when you were sixteen. You joined the Alliance. You fought on Elysium. You fought Saren. And you met Liara. You're in love with Liara._

Something brushed against her and she gasped in surprise, losing her train of thought. Suddenly her eyes were open and she found herself surrounded by lush and vibrant trees. The sky was an endless blue and the ground covered by soft, green grass. She had no idea where she was, but something in the back of her mind itched at her to be cautious. Something she should remember... about who she was and what this place was and who was really in control. But she couldn't remember. Trying to recall was like trying to slog upstream in a swift river.

More child's laughter echoed through the trees and Shepard caught a glimpse of someone before they disappeared behind a row of trees. It was enough to loosen her footing in the river of concentration and she found herself floating helplessly downstream, forgetting everything she had known just moments before.

Her feet moved of their own accord, taking her to where she had seen the child. Peering around a great oak tree, Shepard saw the child sitting on an old-fashioned swing, a wooden seat connected to the upper branch of the oak tree by thick ropes. The little boy looked up at her with his brown eyes and swung his legs forward. The swing began to move, back and forth. Gradually, Shepard realized that she recognized the boy, the one she'd seen on Earth. But hadn't she seen him die? As the pendulum of the swing lengthened, he came closer and closer to where she stood. Soon he swung just before her, his outstretched legs only inches from her, and he smiled up at her, nodding.

Shepard reached out her hand, touching his foot as he came close and pushed him gently, sending him back. His smile grew and when he came back she pushed him again. This started a steady rhythm and he laughed as she pushed him on the swing and after a while Shepard found a smile creeping up onto her face. She forgot everything else and took joy in the child's amusement, content to just push him along.

Then, suddenly when the child swung back to her it wasn't the little boy anymore. Now a little girl sat on the swing, with blonde hair hanging down in two braids and her brown eyes looking at Shepard with adoration. Somehow Shepard managed to keep her rhythm, never faltering in her pushing of the swing as she stared at her little sister in wonder. Jamie laughed, kicking her legs back and forth. And then after a few pushes the child changed yet again. Another boy, but this one lankier, with blue eyes and messy brown hair. The age never changed, but now Shepard stared at her brother Andrew, just as she remembered him as a child. And sure enough, after a few more pushes he too changed into another little boy with black hair and dark eyes: David.

But what did it mean? That same cautious part of herself from earlier awoke and began tugging at her, urging her not to trust what she saw. _Your brothers and sister are gone_, it said. _They cannot come back to you. This is a lie._

She made up her mind to turn away just as the child changed yet again. Her hand faltered as the child swung close and then the commander stood gaping instead. The little girl who sat on the swing had long, black hair and violet eyes - eyes that sparked with confidence and said that she was ready to take on anything that came.

Her eyes.

Shepard stared at the ten year old version of herself and then slowly took a few steps back, unsure what was happening. The child - Sophia - continued to swing on her own, her expression changing to one of betrayal.

_No_, Shepard thought. _That isn't me. I'm not that little girl anymore_. All around her the trees began to warp, melting from their vibrant green and brown to a dead black. A gray veil fell over the sky and every color seemed suddenly muted. Her feelings of foreboding instantly returned and she realized that she had been drawn into something terrible.

The child changed one more time. A little asari sat on the swing, still kicking herself back and forth and staring at the commander with a look of wounded betrayal. Though still wary, Shepard at first was confused by this change since she didn't know any asari children. She watched the little girl, trying to place her. Her heart stirred at the sight of the child, her soul guessed instantly who she looked at, but her mind struggled to catch up. Then she noticed the child's eyes: violet and piercing. Her eyes. And the freckles that dotted her face, bridging her tiny nose from cheek to cheek. So much like Liara.

And suddenly she knew. She knew exactly who the little asari was.

Shepard stumbled forward, reaching out to the child. As she did, a strange light surrounded the little girl, growing brighter by the second. Then flames erupted around the swing, wreathing the girl in yellow tongues of fire. Shepard ran, even as she saw the asari turn to ashes before her eyes. The child did not call out or move at all, just watched Shepard with sad, violet eyes. Her skin blackened and crumbled like sand, blowing away in the air like the burned remains of a sheet of paper. Shepard reached the girl and threw her arms around her, hugging the child tightly and trying to pull her from the flames. But the fire just spread to engulf them both and Shepard could feel the heat on her skin. The agony as she too turned to ashes and parts of her dissolved into nothing.

Holding her child to her body, all she could do was weep as the fire consumed them both.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard gasped as she jerked awake, eyes instantly wide open and her heart pounding. She lay on her back, staring up at the void visible through her ceiling window. Her chest heaved as she tried to get control over her breathing and her hands trembled even as she dug her fingers into the mattress. _My... my..._ was all her brain could stammer. Her what? She'd lost something, of that she was certain, but even as she lay there still in the grip of fear, the details of the dream were slipping away. She tried desperately to hold onto them, to remember what she had seen, but she might as well have tried to hold the ocean in her hands.

Eventually it was all gone. Every detail of the dream. All that remained were the feelings: the fear, the sorrow, the emptiness. Sitting up, Shepard swung her legs over the side of the bed and cradled her head in her hands. Her breathing came out in ragged gasps and she forced herself to correct that by taking slow, measured breaths.

Liara, awoken by Shepard's violent gasps and her sudden movement, lifted her head and blinked groggily through the darkness of the room. When she saw Shepard's hunched position on the edge of the bed, however, the asari found herself much more alert and she pulled herself closer to Shepard so that she could put a hand on Shepard's arm.

"What is the matter?" she asked worriedly.

Shepard couldn't seem to find any words. She just shook her head.

"The Reaper dreams?" Liara guessed. "What did you see?"

Steeling herself with a few more deep breaths, Shepard managed to whisper, "I don't know. I - I can't remember. But I think I watched someone die."

"Was it me?" Liara whispered.

"I don't think so... But it had something to do with you, I think. I just can't remember. All I know is that I feel so hollow right now. Like I just had my heart ripped out."

Sitting up so that she could rest her cheek on Shepard's shoulder, Liara said, "It wasn't real, Shepard. Whatever it was. You have to remember that."

The commander nodded. She wanted to say that just because it wasn't real didn't mean that it couldn't harm her, but she didn't. There was no use troubling Liara over something she couldn't even remember.

Liara kissed Shepard's shoulder and then added, "I can hold you until you fall back asleep. You need to get some rest."

That was true. She was getting so few hours of sleep these days due to the almost constant nightmares. But at the moment she couldn't imagine sleeping with so much adrenaline pumping through her veins.

"I'm going to take a shower and clear my head," she said, looking at Liara. "I'll come back to bed right after, I promise." She ducked her head to kiss Liara before adding, "Get some rest. I'll be fine. Don't worry."

Liara gave her a worried look, but nodded her understanding. As the asari settled back down to sleep, Shepard padded across the room to the bathroom. She set the water to as hot as it would go and stepped under the faucet so that the water hit the top of her head and snaked down around her face to hit the rest of her body. Tilting her chin up, Shepard stood with her eyes closed and holding her breath as the hot water drummed her face. She remained like that for as long as she could - trying to wipe her mind clean - until the need for air forced her to turn away.

When had the nightmares gotten so out of hand? She could remember when they were chasing Saren, after her first contact with the prothean beacon, when she would have nightmares every night. She'd lost sleep over those, covered it all up with makeup and bravado, and moved on. But those had been different. Those nightmares had been about the prothean extinction. There'd been death and chaos and fear, but it had all belonged to someone else. Not her.

Then, those dreams had gone away. For a long time. She'd had an occasional nightmare during the fight with the collectors, but nothing serious. The protheans were put on the back-burner while she concentrated on saving humanity. And then, a few months ago the nightmares had come back. They'd started the same - images of the prothean extinction. Then little by little they had become more personal. People she knew began to appear in the dreams, and her own fears were brought to the forefront. She'd watched everyone she loved die over and over, faced every possible nightmare and been helpless. She _wished_ she could go back to the simplicity and detachment of the prothean dreams.

So, why the change? The answer troubled her as much as the nightmares. The return of the nightmares lined up exactly with the return of the Reapers, and the subject of the dreams seemed targeted to undermine her will to fight. Over the last few years, Shepard had been exposed to more Reaper technology than perhaps any other person alive; miraculously, she had been able to avoid indoctrination, but she doubted that she had come out of those encounters unscathed. Perhaps she was vulnerable enough in her sleep for the Reapers to exert some level of indoctrination - enough to twist her nightmares towards their own ends.

Placing both hands on the wall in front of her, Shepard used it to support some of her weight, feeling suddenly dizzy. Were the Reapers really in her head? If she wasn't careful, could they get control? Images of Saren flashed through her mind. He'd been so sure of himself as he committed atrocities - a willing slave while the Reapers changed his body and soul. And in the end she'd seen a glimpse of who he had been - a spectre who wanted to do the right thing for the galaxy. He'd thanked her when he put the gun under his chin and fired. Could she be heading down that same path?

The more she considered it, the more her gut twisted. Was she putting Liara at risk every time they melded? If the Reapers had some sort of grip on her mind, could she accidentally transfer that grip to Liara without realizing it? And even if that weren't possible, the Reapers obviously knew about Liara. Knew how much losing Liara would devastate Shepard. Would they target her? And what would happen if they did get control of Shepard? Was she just a ticking time bomb waiting to destroy everyone close to her?

The commander shivered, feeling ice cold on the inside despite the hot water cascading down her back. Her thoughts wandered back to her earlier conversation with Liara: how _could_ she face something like this? And how could she stop from losing herself in the process?

Sighing, Shepard shut off the shower since it didn't seem to be warming her at all now. She grabbed a towel and dried off her hair before wrapping the towel around herself. Exiting the bathroom, she quietly made her way to the couch and sat in the darkness for a while. She could see Liara still asleep on the bed, curled up in the sheets and at peace. The sight of her brought a small smile to the commander's lips; there lay her whole world, the only thing she wanted in exchange for all her sacrifice. A future with Liara. And she would fight as hard as she had to in order to protect that hope.

Her eyes then fell to the coffee table, where the book of poetry still rested and she leaned across the table to pick it up. As she sat back, Shepard ran her thumb along the pages, selecting a point at random to stop and open the book. She scanned the page, noting the three separate poems printed, and suddenly found her eyes drawn to one in particular. She read it once, recalling that she'd often given it little thought before since it seemed to have no connection to her own life. But this time the words jumped out at her. Shepard read the poem again, slowly, weighing every word. The poem was so short and lacked any definite structure. In fact, it was really more of a final declaration than anything else, yet she felt drawn to it.

Reading it a third time, Shepard almost wanted to laugh at the simplicity. The words seemed an answer to her fears, and that answer was to merely do what needed to be done. This war with the Reapers, and with herself, could only be over when she decided that she had had enough. All she could do was give up or arise and put an end to it.

And she had arisen. She had arisen and raised the galaxy with her. All that was left was to look the Reapers in the eye and say that it must come to an end. Never again could they take everything away. It was not theirs to take.

_Never again will I weep_

_And wring my hands_

_And beat my head against the wall_

_Because_

_Me nolentem fata trahunt_

_But_

_I will arise_

_And I will say:_

_I have had enough._


	13. Never Again Part I

**Never Again**

_Oh, I know, I know the poor man cries,_

_I know the worth of the heavenly prize_

_And I know the strength of the race to be run_

_But my black heart cleaves to the strength of my gun._

_Then he put his gun to his head and shot_

_Crying absurdly, I am not._

_~Stevie Smith_

"I'm proud of you... Sophia. You did good." Anderson's voice came out in the harshest of whispers. Shepard barely heard him over her own ragged breathing and the blood pounding in her ears. Everything hurt: her body, her lungs, her head, her heart... everything. She struggled to keep her eyes open and his voice acted like an anchor, pulling her back from the brink. She forced herself to focus on the words, absorb every ounce of meaning from them. She didn't even mind that he called her by her given name - perhaps for the second time since they had first met. Although she had met him several years into her military career, it somehow seemed as if he had always been the first Alliance soldier she had ever met. It wasn't true, but when she remembered seeing the Alliance ships descend on the burning remnants of Mindoir, remembered the soldiers rushing out to kill the batarians and rescue the survivors, she could imagine his face as the one that first approached her. The one that first set her on her path. It wasn't the truth, she knew, but it felt right. He was her mentor and her friend. He embodied everything she had ever loved about the Alliance.

"You did good," he repeated, and it sounded like a prayer, a blessing.

Her throat was already parched and burning from all the smoke and ash she had breathed in during their push towards the Citadel, but she felt it contract suddenly and tighten. In her addled state it took her a moment to realize that her body was trying to sob. Instead her throat only managed a strangled grunt and her body lacked the moisture to create tears. The best she managed was to croak out, "Thank you, sir."

There they sat, crumpled and broken, looking out over the battle for Earth. And only minutes before that they had stood shoulder to shoulder on the surface of that planet, staring across a killing ground towards the portal up to the Citadel. She'd been as proud to stand by him then as she was to sit by him now. Closing her eyes for a moment, Shepard could picture it all in her head.

They had stood on a ridge overlooking a vast swath of empty ground. Shepard had seen the remains of vehicles and a handful of bodies littering the ground, but nothing living. On top of that, there was zero cover and the area was directly in the line of sight of the Reapers. A killing zone. Yet, in the center of that killing zone was a beam of light that rose into the sky, all the way to where the Citadel orbited above the Earth. According to the intelligence Anderson's people had gathered, the Reapers were herding people to this area. And once they reached that area they disappeared, most likely transported to the Citadel. But why? If the Reapers were involved, Shepard doubted that she wanted to know the answer.

Still, that portal up to the Citadel was their only chance. They had to get inside and open the arms of the space station so that they could connect the Crucible and destroy the Reapers. And that meant one final push across the killing zone to reach that portal.

Shepard stared out at the field, her lips drawn into a tight line and said, "This is suicide."

Anderson gave out a small chuckle and clapped her on the shoulder. "Don't I know it. But you've made a career out of suicide missions."

"Not to mention dragging me along with you," Garrus added from where he stood on the other side of her.

That got a smile out of her and she retorted, "Admit it, you'd be bored without me."

The turian just shrugged, saying, "Maybe."

Out of the corner of her eye Shepard saw Ashley approaching and turned to face her. Ever the marine, Ashley drew up at attention, saluting and gave her quick report. "Everyone is lined up and ready. We'll move on your order, Admiral."

Anderson nodded, his expression growing grave. "Right then. Let's get the formalities out of the way and move out."

By formalities, Shepard knew that he meant saying goodbye. It was fairly standard that if soldiers knew they were about to go into battle, they would say goodbye to their fellow soldiers. The hope was that it would be a wasted effort in the end, but the prevailing notion was that it was better to plan for the worse than leave anything unsaid. Shepard couldn't even count the number of times she had looked into another person's eyes and said her final goodbyes, not knowing if the person she was talking to would ever come back, or if she would either.

Gripping Anderson's hand, she said, "Let's finish this once and for all, sir."

He nodded. "This is what the past few years has amounted to. Maybe once this is done..." He trailed off and surveyed the area: the destroyed buildings, the fires raging in the distance, the echo of gunfire. Frowning, his eyes turned steely and he said, "Maybe once this is done we can finally be at peace."

"We will," Shepard promised. "We'll get it done."

Then Shepard turned to her two other companions. Garrus and Ashley were just finishing saying their goodbyes to one another and they turned to face the commander. A jolt of guilt surged through Shepard as she looked at them, wishing that she had told them to stay behind. She had no power over Anderson, but she would rather go on knowing that her friends were safe, or at least relatively safe in comparison to her. But that had never really been an option. She'd managed to keep Liara from her side, much to her relief, and even held Tali and James back in order to protect her, but her hands were tied when it came to these two. She had known for a long time that Garrus would have to stand at her side in the end - would demand it, and it was his right to do so. As for Ash, this was a moment of redemption for her as much as a point of honor. The moment where she could reclaim her place at Shepard's side by putting her life on the line.

Ashley stepped forward, saluting, and then took Shepard's hand. Her expression, grim but sure, recalled memories of when they had met on Eden Prime. Loudly, her voice filling the air around them, Ash said, "I cannot rest from travel: I will drink life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those that loved me, and alone."

Smiling, Shepard replied in a whisper, her voice growing stronger and louder as she continued. "Man aspires to good, to love - sighs; beaten, corrupted, dying, in his own blood lying. Yet heaves up an eye above: cries, Love, love. It is his virtue needs explaining, not his failing. Away melancholy. Away with it, let it go."

Ashley smiled back. Nodded. It was the only way they truly knew how to say goodbye.

Then as she moved past Shepard to say goodbye to Anderson, the commander turned to her second in command. Garrus stood tall and straight backed, and his eyes said that he didn't like the sentimentality of saying goodbye. That was fine; there was nothing else that really needed to be said between them. When he saw that Shepard wasn't planning to give some dramatic final speech, he relaxed and said, "I'll race you to the bar," echoing his promise to meet her at the bar in the afterlife.

Shepard smirked at the black humor and shook her head. "You better not."

"Yeah, I guess you'd kill me if I did," he replied drily.

Chuckling, Shepard said, "You bet your turian ass I would."

The soldiers lined up on the edges of the killing ground were all falling silent as they waited on the order to move. Anderson stepped forward, standing tall and easily visible. He raised his arm in the air so that all could see him, even if they couldn't hear him, and gave the order to charge.

Memories of the actual charge towards the portal came in flashes. Shepard remembered running, with Anderson and Garrus on either side and Ashley behind her. Then a Reaper descended to Earth and turned its many glowing eyes in their direction. A sudden thought - _Harbinger_ - before a red laser razed the ground right in front of her. Shepard stumbled, her ears ringing and her vision blurred by the brightness of the blast. She reached out, trying to find one of her companions, but found herself alone in a cloud of dust. Fear gripped her stomach as she wondered if they had been caught by the blast, but she gritted her teeth, knowing that she had to push forward. No matter what. She coughed from all the dust and smoke in the air, and her lungs burned. She dodged several more blasts and her hearing continued to come and go. Sometimes she was surrounded by silence and at other times she heard the screams of the dead and dying: burned, severed, bleeding.

_The portal_, she thought. _I must make it to the portal_. She could see it, closer now, only a few yards away. Then she caught sight of Anderson, limping just ahead of her. She pushed herself to run faster and catch up to him. Just as she reached out to touch his shoulder and opened her mouth to call his name, a nearby blast shook the ground. Shepard fell to her knees, her ears filled with ringing yet again.

No, not ringing. Screeching.

Lifting her eyes, she saw Anderson staggering to his feet and turning to face her. His forehead bled, his helmet lost somewhere along the way. He reached out his hand to her, palm up, and his form was wreathed by the glowing portal. Then Shepard saw Harbinger's many glowing eyes materializing in the distance directly behind Anderson. The eyes turned red and she screamed at Anderson to get down. The whole Earth seemed to split apart. After that all she could remember was the searing pain and then darkness.

~.~.~.~.~

"Nice one, Doc!" James shouted, as a singularity trapped five husks long enough for him to toss a grenade in amongst them. Liara nodded back and tried to force a smile, but failed and it turned into more of a grimace as the husks were torn apart by the explosion. It was too hard to pretend to be happy about anything when she felt so tired and her heart felt seized by constant fear. Besides, those things had once been people, now turned into monsters.

"That looks like the last of them. At least for a little while," James went on. "Let's take this opportunity to regroup."

Their little contingent of soldiers had set up a blockade on a bridge that blocked the only road leading into one of the remaining hospitals. The building held most of the wounded and a collection of doctors. Husks had been throwing themselves at their barricade in waves, trying to storm them and make it to the hospital. They seemed dead set on taking it from the allied forces. At first, Liara wondered why the Reapers didn't just blow the hospital apart from afar with their lasers, but she later realized that the hospital could provide the Reapers with hundreds of people too weak to fight back. Easy pickings to become husks or get harvested. Knowing that, she was determined to destroy every last husk that tried to cross the bridge.

Sitting on the hood of a car that formed part of their barrier, Liara took the lull as an opportunity to look towards the beam of light at the center of the city. The light that marked where Shepard would be, fighting her way to the portal and to the Citadel. Liara felt a familiar stab of fear in her chest. Goddess, what she wouldn't give to be with Shepard right now. But she'd agreed to stay behind. Agreed to let Shepard go off alone.

She'd agreed because she knew that it would put Shepard's mind at ease, even if it meant nothing but fear for Liara. Shepard needed to believe that Liara was safe, or at least, as safe as she could be at the moment. The memory of their last encounter was imprinted on her heart.

_She had walked in on Shepard making calls to various friends, checking in on their conditions. She'd been looking for Shepard to make sure the commander had seen to any injuries from their repeated firefights, but found Shepard talking with the justicar, Samara._

_"Only your actions will be remembered, Shepard," the asari said. "You must choose them wisely."_

_Shepard had shifted her shoulders uncomfortably, an uncharacteristically timid gesture from her. "You mean people will only remember the hero, not the woman," she said._

_Surprisingly, the justicar frowned, showing more emotion than Liara had seen from her yet. "It is true that the galaxy will only see you that way, Commander. Your actions will be weighed and measured for all eternity. Provided you succeed. If you do not... we shall all be forgotten." Then, her voice softened. "But if I live through this, I will remember you as the person, Shepard. As the first person in a long time that I could call friend."_

_Liara had felt her stomach tighten then. The justicar spoke as if she did not expect Shepard to come back at all._

_"I have a question for you, Samara, before you go," Shepard said. "You said I should pick my actions wisely... Well, I want to do something selfish. The woman I love is here with me. We fought our way here side by side, but now I can feel that things are about to become much worse. I can feel that we're getting ready for the final fight and... I want to keep her safe. I need to know that she's safe. If something happened to her... I couldn't go on. And I know that's selfish. I know I am asking her to watch me run off into danger while I relax knowing that she is safe. Can I ask that of her?"_

_Liara felt her insides go cold and she put a hand on the wall nearby to steady herself. Samara studied Shepard for a while before a small, sad smile appeared on her lips._

_"Given the circumstances, perhaps now would be the appropriate time to be selfish. If it is the last thing you desire, then you can ask for that comfort, Shepard."_

_Liara's legs shook beneath her and she stumbled as she hurried out the door, unable to bear any more. She walked shakily for a few yards, using the wall of the building as support. Thoughts swam through her head and refused to stay still long enough for her to examine them. The justicar spoke as if Shepard were dead already. And Shepard hadn't disagreed. Not once. Plus she wanted to leave Liara behind. It was like the collector attack on the Normandy all over again. Shepard would send her away and then sacrifice her own life while Liara just watched helplessly from afar._

_Breaking into a run, Liara ignored the looks from the people she passed and didn't stop until she found an empty room. There was an open window on the far wall and Liara stood by it, putting both hands on the sill to steady herself. Her breath came out in rapid bursts as she tried in vain to get some fresh air. The air stank of ash and death, but Liara gulped in mouthfuls of it as she fought to get her breathing under control. Her stomach contracted painfully and she wondered if she was having a panic attack._

_Tears burned behind her eyes and threatened to break free as she struggled to get her thoughts under control. The worst part was that she understood exactly where Shepard was coming from. The commander couldn't throw herself into the fire if she was afraid for Liara's safety. Liara knew that she would just be a burden on Shepard's mind. The realization hurt, but it was the truth._

_She forced herself to slow her breathing until it approached almost normal. Her stomach still tied itself into knots, but there was nothing she could do about that. Just as she started to think that she was recovering, Shepard walked through the door. The sight of the human was enough to make her heart beat faster and she took a sharp intake of breath._

_Shepard looked worn, like someone who had just had to say goodbye to everyone she knew. Her dark blue armor was scratched and scuffed in so many places that it looked as if she had wrestled with a krogan. But when she looked into Liara's eyes, saw the fear and panic there, her demeanor shifted to her usual protectiveness. Her own fatigue forgotten as she crossed the room and drew Liara into an embrace._

_"What's wrong?" she asked, concerned. "Are you hurt?"_

_Liara clung to her lover like a drowning man clings to a raft. For the briefest moment she wondered whether she could keep Shepard from going just by holding onto her. It was unbelievably hard to find her voice, and when she did it came out as a desperate squeak. "You are going to leave me behind."_

_Shepard's body stiffened at the accusation, but she kept her arms around Liara. "I want to know that you're safe," she murmured._

_"And who will make sure that you are safe?" Liara demanded._

_Shepard didn't have an answer for that. She rocked Liara slightly in her arms and pressed a kiss against the asari's cheek. Liara bit back her tears and pulled back to look at Shepard's face. She saw her whole world in those violet eyes._

_"Promise me again," Liara insisted. She knew that she would allow Shepard to go off alone to face the Reapers. She knew that she had no choice. She knew that because their entire future hinged on Shepard succeeding. But she hated knowing that. She hated to let go of the woman she loved. "Promise me that you will come back to me."_

_Shepard's expression conveyed only love and devotion. "I promise I will always come back to you, Liara." And she sealed the promise with a kiss._

Feeling the car shift slightly, Liara turned her head to see Tali sitting down next to her on the hood, holding out an energy bar. Liara took it, muttered her thanks, and forced herself to unwrap the food and take a bite, even though the knots in her stomach made eating an unpleasant experience. Still, she needed the energy in order to keep her biotics functioning.

"How are you holding up?" Tali asked softly.

"I am holding," Liara said with a shrug, and she turned her attention back to the beam of light.

Tali followed her gaze and then said, "They're ok. I'm sure of it."

Liara hoped Tali didn't notice the blush that spread across her cheeks. She suddenly felt guilty that she hadn't really been thinking about Garrus and Ashley too. Her thoughts were preoccupied with Shepard, with the fear that in order to be the savior of the galaxy she would have to give her own life. Of course, Garrus and Ashley were in danger too, but Shepard was Liara's whole world. She knew it was terrible of her to think it, but winning didn't matter if Shepard didn't come back to her.

They sat in silence for a while, just looking at the beam of light. From nearby, Liara could hear James radioing over to command to give a status update on their position. As he rattled off his report, the sky near the beam of light suddenly darkened. Liara felt her heart nearly shudder to a stop as a Reaper descended from the sky near the portal. Its many eyes turned red and it fired several lasers, destroying everything within the inner city.

Liara wanted to scream, but she couldn't seem to find her voice. She heard James stop talking abruptly and then he said, "Hello? Anyone there? What's going on?"

The asari couldn't tear her eyes away from the Reaper, but she listened to every word James said, waiting to hear that one name...

"This is Lt. Vega. Can anyone read me? What... oh - yes, finally. What happened? What's all that noise on your end?"

He was silent for a time and then shouted, "What do you mean you lost contact with the main force? What about Commander Shepard?"

At that, Liara tore her eyes from the Reaper and leaped to her feet. She ran to James and snatched the radio receiver from him. On the other end she could hear people shouting and running around. "Where is Commander Shepard?" she demanded.

A panicked male voice answered her, "We don't know. We lost contact with Commander Shepard and Admiral Anderson. The Reaper is blocking..." the man's voice began to fade until all Liara could hear was static. The Reapers were blocking all communications. All the allied forces were cut off from each other.

Liara dropped the receiver and looked back at the Reaper and the beam of light. Her eyes fell on Tali, who had ran after her, and Liara seized the quarian by the shoulders. "Tali, you need to find a way to get past the Reaper's signal block. We have to find, Shepard. Please."

Tali looked at the radio system they had set up. She studied it for a moment and then said, "I'll see what I can do. I don't know if I can bypass it with such limited equipment though."

"We've got incoming," James shouted, lifting his shotgun. Looking at Tali and Liara, he said, "Sparks, you find a way to get in contact with the commander. We'll keep you covered. I have a feeling the Reapers are trying to stick the boot in."

_Shepard_, Liara thought, as she turned her attention to the incoming husks. _Where are you? You better be alive... Please, Goddess, let her be alive._

~.~.~.~.~

Blood dripped into Anderson's eyes from the gash in his forehead. He wiped it away with the back of his hand and limped after Shepard. The blast from the Reaper had thrown him into a pile of debris and a shard of shrapnel had lodged itself somewhere in his right leg. When he'd come to, he'd seen Shepard rise from the ashes and look around. She then proceeded towards the portal, ever faithful in her goal to stop the Reapers. Anderson knew that he needed to help and he dragged himself to his feet.

The first indication that something was wrong, however, came when he saw Shepard stop and fire her gun at nothing. Her aim was straight and sure, as if she were gunning down targets all in a line, but Anderson didn't see anything in front of her. She fired several shots and then proceeded on, stopped and fired again, and then headed for the portal. Confused, Anderson followed after her and stepped into the portal.

His whole body seemed to lurch forward and he was swallowed up by light. When the light faded again, he found himself aboard the Citadel, somewhere in the Tower by the look of it. He recognized the architecture of the place, even if he wasn't sure of his exact location. Ahead of him, Shepard was walking slowly forward, her pistol raised and wary. Seeing her, he immediately called out "Shepard!"

She stopped, but instead of turning around Shepard raised her left hand to her ear to activate her radio and said, "Anderson? Where are you?"

"Right here," he said. But Shepard didn't respond. Instead she stood there and nodded as if she heard him replying over her radio. Anderson put a hand to his own radio, but he only heard static. The signal was blocked. That meant no chance of calling for help.

"I see... a bunch of bodies," she said. "Looks like there's only one way forward."

This wasn't true. They were standing in what appeared to be one of the main office wings of the Tower. There were several offices all along the hall and a few branch corridors as well. The portal they had come up through appeared to be connected to a keeper workstation. When he looked into the offices, he immediately drew back in disgust. Inside each room were collector pods containing frozen people inside. While Anderson had never seen the pods personally before, he had seen the evidence that Shepard had submitted to the defense council and also heard Ashley William's report about them. So that's what the portal was for. The Citadel was now a place for the Reapers to store their harvested victims. Hadn't Shepard said that the Reapers harvested people in order to grind them into some kind of liquid used in creating new Reapers? There were at least twenty pods in each office and an office every few feet down the hall.

Shepard seemed completely oblivious to this though as she set off again. Anderson followed warily, not sure what to make out of Shepard's behavior. Had she taken a hit to the head? Did she even know what was going on? He gritted his teeth as he urged himself to limp a little faster so that he could get ahead of her and look into Shepard's eyes. She didn't even seem to notice him. There was a nasty cut going up vertically through her left eyebrow, probably from some shrapnel that had just barely missed taking out her eye. A little bit of blood still poured from it and the commander blinked it away, but it looked like it had stopped itself while she had lain unconscious. Nearly the entire left side of her face was a mask of crimson though. The other half was marred by ash and dirt. There were a few other cuts and scrapes on her face and neck that he could see, but nothing looked serious. She did stop occasionally, gripping her head as if suffering from a migraine. But eventually she would seem to recover and keep on moving.

The commander led them out of the maze of offices and Anderson suddenly found himself standing in the main courtyard of the Citadel Tower. They walked past the trees and fountains, the place eerily silent and empty. Anderson continued to wipe the blood gushing from his own wound away from his eyes as he struggled to keep up with Shepard. They climbed the stairs towards the council chamber and then Shepard stopped as she stared out at the circular room. Anderson paused, trying to figure out what Shepard was doing, when it struck him that they were precisely where they needed to be. The main override console was here, in the council chamber. Saren had used it before to open the arms of the Citadel three years earlier. They could do the same now so that the Crucible could be attached.

Going around Shepard, Anderson rushed towards the center of the room, walked out onto the main platform and used his omni-tool to access the main console. When it appeared, he began shifting through the controls to find the right input command for opening the Citadel arms.

"Anderson..." Shepard said suddenly.

Turning hopefully, Anderson wondered if Shepard had snapped out of her confusion. He could really use her help figuring out this control panel. But when he looked into her eyes, they were glazed over as if she were looking far off into the distance, past him. Her face then twisted up in pain and she growled, "You... what are _you_ doing here?"

Taken aback, Anderson said, "What are you talking about, Shepard? We came here together to stop the Reapers."

She glared at him and twisted her body as if fighting against invisible bonds. Her arms stuck to her side, but there was nothing actually restraining her. "Cerberus is finished," she spat. "Stop fighting me and help me!"

Looking at the distress on her face, seeing the pain in those violet eyes that suddenly looked bluer than they ever had, the realization hit Anderson like a sledgehammer.

"They're controlling you," he said quietly. The Reapers. They had control of Shepard and were messing with her mind, making her see things that weren't true. She obviously thought that she was talking to the Illusive Man.

"Controlling me is a lot different than controlling a Reaper," Shepard said, continuing whatever conversation she was having in her head.

If the Reapers got Shepard then... No, they couldn't have her. Anderson had to save her. Taking a few steps towards her, the admiral said, "You have to fight them, Shepard. Please. What you see isn't real! The Illusive Man isn't really here."

Shepard's demeanor didn't change in the slightest. Instead, Anderson saw her right arm rise, aiming the pistol straight at him. Instinctively he also drew his pistol and trained it on her.

"You don't want to do this, Shepard," he urged. "Snap out of it!" Would he have to shoot Shepard? Would he have to kill her in order to stop her? There had to be another way.

Shepard's voice came out as a strained grunt, as if she were fighting with every fiber of her being. "You're playing with things you don't understand. With power you shouldn't be able to use."

Her right arm shook badly. When she pulled the trigger the shaking caused the shot to go wide a bit and it hit Anderson in the side rather than the chest. He grunted as the hot pain buried itself under his skin, and he cursed. Still, the inaccuracy of the shot was enough to ensure that it was nonlethal. Shepard looked horrified, but didn't lower the pistol. Her eyes continued to look off into the distance.

Feeling blood ooze from his side, Anderson racked his brain for any alternative to shooting Shepard. There had to be a way. He didn't think that he could kill her, no matter the circumstances. But he couldn't just let Shepard continue on as she was. An indoctrinated Commander Shepard would be the most effective tool the Reapers ever wielded. Maybe a shock would be enough to make her snap out of it. Maybe if he just wounded her then she would come to her senses.

Aiming for her side, in the exact same place that she had shot him, Anderson whispered, "I'm sorry," before pulling the trigger.

Shepard staggered at the impact, but otherwise showed no recognition that she'd been shot. All she did was growl back, "I see what they did to you."

Anderson's heart fell into the pit of his stomach. Was Commander Shepard really lost? Clutching his side to stop the bleeding there, he looked back over his shoulder at the control panel still awaiting orders. _The Citadel_, he thought. _I have to open the arms. Now, before she can stop me_. He limped back over to the control panel and noticed that her gun followed him, her face a mask of anger and disgust. It wasn't her face though; it was the face of the Reapers.

Ironically, the real Shepard was still trying to argue with an Illusive Man who didn't exist. She was still trying to fight the Reapers even though she was already lost. Anderson realized that she saw him as both himself and the Illusive Man. Her voice was as close to pleading as Anderson had ever heard it. "If we destroy the Reapers, this ends today. But if you can't control them..."

Anderson ignored her and quickly searched for the correct input. He found it and selected the command, forcing the arms of the Citadel to slowly open. Looking out the main window, he saw the tightly shut arms begin to spread apart, revealing a glimpse of the battle raging outside. He took a deep breath at the sight, suddenly relieved. They may have lost Shepard, but at least they hadn't lost the war.

"Would you bet humanity's existence on it?" came Shepard's voice, loud and threatening. Anderson turned to see her gun trained on his chest, her arm no longer shaking. He knew, without a doubt, what the Reapers planned to have her do.

"Listen to yourself," he pleaded, one final time. "You're indoctrinated."

But his words couldn't reach her, wherever she was now. Every ache and pain in Anderson's body seemed to increase tenfold, and he felt older than he had in a long time. Staring at Shepard, he remembered when he had first met her. A somewhat aloof young woman, skilled and talented and dedicated to protecting humanity. He remembered watching her grow to become someone larger than life. She was the best humanity had to offer and the Reapers had taken her. And he knew, had known all along, that there was only one cure for indoctrination. Death.

But he would not be the one to kill Commander Shepard. He could never bring himself to do that.

"You've sacrificed too much," Shepard said, her voice a strange mix of anger and sadness.

Anderson shook his head. "No, not yet," he said quietly.

She pulled the trigger and shot him.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard had no idea how long she had lain on that killing ground, unconscious. When she had opened her eyes again every inch of her body hurt. Anderson was gone and everyone around her seemed to be dead. She ignored the bits of people strewn over the ground, pushed the fear for her friends out of her mind, and headed for the portal. As long as she was alive, she had to keep moving forward.

Things got even fuzzier after that. Confusing. The memories came in bits and pieces. She remembered shooting some husks on her way to the portal, three human ones and a turian, and then stumbling into the light. Her other guns seemed to be gone, lost in the explosion. Then she found herself in a nightmarish room, dark and filled with corpses. She didn't recognize the room as being anywhere on the Citadel - at least not anywhere she knew. But the moment she began to wonder where she was and why the Reapers would place corpses on the Citadel, her head exploded with pain. She clutched her forehead and gritted her teeth. Only when all she could think about was the pain, and her previous concerns seemed trivial in comparison, did the agony begin to ebb away. Gasping and shaking, Shepard immediately set out again, spurred on by her fear of a relapse.

She remembered hearing Anderson's voice over the radio link and discovering that he was in the Citadel as well, somehow ahead of her. The second she began to wonder how, another bout of pain made her stumble and double over. Pushing all of that to the back of her mind, Shepard continued to press on. Then, perhaps the strangest thing was encountering the Illusive Man. She could not recall the majority of the conversation - all she really remembered of it was that he wanted to control the Reapers. What she remembered better was her confusion - how had he gotten aboard the Citadel? Then the explosion of pain that followed. Her memories of that encounter were completely wrapped up in pain. The agony in her head, the anguish of being forced to shoot Anderson, the sharp stab in her side from a bullet wound she couldn't recall having moments earlier. Then it all ending when she put a bullet in the Illusive Man's chest, finishing him once and for all. The whole thing was just a twisted and confused mess. Had she gotten a concussion at some point? Was she out of her mind? Everything seemed so surreal and ghoulish.

Opening her eyes and coming out of her recollection, Shepard turned to Anderson to share her concerns. However, she found that his form was slumped and his eyes were closed. Grimacing as she leaned over to shake his shoulder, she said, "Sir? Anderson?"

He didn't respond, and with a sudden chill she realized that her mentor was dead. In an instant her weariness seemed to double and she felt empty. The end in sight, and the Reapers still had to take him from her. It wasn't fair; but, then again, when had the Reapers ever been fair?

She had little time to mourn, however, because Hackett's voice was suddenly in her ear: "Commander Shepard? Can you hear me?"

Wincing, Shepard put two fingers to her ear and answered, "I hear you, Admiral. What do you need me to do?"

"The arms of the Citadel are open and the Crucible is attached, but nothing is happening. It must be something on your end."

Shepard stared at the control panel that Anderson had used to open the arms of the Citadel and wondered if she could tell the Crucible to fire from there. "I'll figure something out," she grunted as she struggled to get to her feet. The wound in her side, however, must have been more severe than she thought because the second she moved she felt her head spin. Her blood loss must have been substantial because her vision blurred and it was all she could manage just to shift to her hands and knees and crawl towards the control panel. She dragged herself towards the panel, biting back her fatigue and pain. Her arms shook beneath her and she couldn't seem to catch her breath either. _Just a few more inches_, she thought, looking up at the control panel. Desperate, she reached up and tried to grip the edge so that she could pull herself up, but she was too short by a couple centimeters. The arm that was still supporting her weight finally buckled and she collapsed onto the ground. The second her body crumpled, she blacked out.

When she awoke, her cheek was pressed against the cold metal of the floor and her body felt like lead. How long had she been out? Summoning all her resolve, Shepard pushed herself into a sitting position. The room spun from the sudden movement and she forced down the bile rising in her throat. Blinking a few times, Shepard tried to clear her vision; she found herself in a new room, unlike anything she had ever seen before and unlike anything she'd seen on the Citadel. Before her were three distinct areas: two strange apparatuses on either side and a glowing beam of light in the center. To all other sides she could see clear glass looking out on the battle for Earth.

Gritting her teeth, Shepard forced herself to stagger to her feet. As she stood, a glowing form materialized next to her, looking like a VI but unusually short. Stepping back from it and instantly wary, Shepard noticed that the VI appeared to be a child. As she continued to stare at it, the child began to look more familiar, until she suddenly recognized it as the child from her nightmares. Shaking her head, Shepard tried to banish the image.

"Why are you here?" the VI demanded.

Was this real? Why would the child from her nightmares be here? Where exactly was she, anyway? Shepard fumbled for any way to make sense of what was happening. Perhaps she was dead - though if so, the afterlife sucked, especially since she could still feel all her injuries. Perhaps she was hallucinating - and if so, then she had to find a way to snap back to reality.

"Who are you?" she demanded of the VI. "What are you doing here?"

"I am the Catalyst," it replied.

"Bullshit," Shepard grunted. Her retort was met instantly by a splitting pain in her head. It felt as if someone were driving an axe through her skull. Gasping, the commander put her hands to her head in a futile attempt to ward off the pain.

The VI continued on, even as Shepard fought off the agony inside her head. "You want to stop the Reapers, but you cannot. The Reapers are mine. I control them. They are my solution."

"Solution to what?" Shepard asked, and as she did the pain subsided into a dull headache.

"Chaos. You bring it on yourselves. The created will always rebel against their creators. But we found a way to stop that from happening. A way to restore order for the next cycle."

Shepard tilted her head in confusion and eyed the VI with distrust. Who was the _we_ that it had just mentioned? And was it suggesting that genocide was a solution? Narrowing her eyes at the VI, Shepard said, "By wiping out organic life?"

"No. We harvest advanced civilizations, leaving the younger ones alone. Just as we left your people alive the last time we were here."

There was that _we_ again. Shepard realized, with dread, that the we referred to the Reapers. This VI was with them, one of them. "Why should I believe anything you say?" Shepard spat. "You're a Reaper. You want to kill me and every other creature in the galaxy."

In response, it felt like the axe had been driven into her skull again. Shepard staggered as if hit by a real weapon. The VI looked on calmly. "Without us to stop it, synthetics would destroy all organics. We created the cycle so that that never happens. That is the solution."

Shepard's vision was blurry from the pain, but she forced herself to focus on the VI. This pain was its doing. The Reapers' doing. They didn't want her to question them. They didn't want her to fight back. "Do you think I could possibly believe that?" she grunted. "After everything I have seen? I saw the end of a 300 year war against organics and synthetics. I saw an entire galaxy come together to fight you. I know that we are capable of change. I know that we are capable of peace. Otherwise there would be no point to ever existing at all."

The VI gave her an angry look and the pain redoubled. When it spoke again, it sounded annoyed. "You are right that our solution will not work anymore. You standing here proves that. So I will give you what you want. An end to the cycle. I will give you three new solutions."

As the VI went on, explaining its solutions, Shepard focused on controlling her breathing and pushing the pain in her head to the back of her thoughts. It was still there, ever present and a warning of what she was dealing with, but she was able to focus her attention on the present. As she listened to the three options that the VI gave her, she grew increasingly more disgusted. She could destroy the Reapers, at the cost of her own life and the life of every synthetic. He was essentially asking her to commit genocide. Or she could control the Reapers, yet again dying in the process and living on as some sort of vengeful god by controlling the fate of every living thing. Or she could force every species to become the same creature, thereby robbing them of their individuality and forcing them down one path. And of course, she would die. Plus, every option resulted in the destruction of the mass relays. And Shepard was no fool. She knew that the galaxy relied on the mass relays to function. Without the relays trade would grind to a halt, people would be stranded on whatever world they currently inhabited, and the species of the galaxy would never be able to communicate with one another. The VI was asking her to kill her friends, kill her allies, and doom the galaxy to a slow and painful death.

Staring at the VI, feeling her gut twist up in rage, Shepard wanted to raise her pistol and shoot it in the face. Not that it would do any good though. The bullet would just go straight through the hologram. The commander thought back to all the people counting on her. All the people who had lost their lives fighting the Reapers and all the people she hoped to save. And now here she was, face to face with the Reapers, so to speak, and they offered her nothing but abomination after abomination.

Shepard thought back to the conversation she had had with Liara after telling her the full story of the Blitz. When Liara had asked what Shepard would do if defeating the Reapers meant sacrificing her own life. What would Shepard do if she had to choose?

She would refuse to choose. Refuse the options that the Reapers laid at her feet as if they were doing her some noble favor. The words that Liara had said to her about fear being the Reaper's greatest weapon resounded in her head. They wanted Shepard to think that she had no choice. That the best she could do was accept whatever future they offered her. But Liara's voice called her back and reminded her of the future that they wanted to take away from her. The future that she refused to surrender. They could not take it from her. She would not let them. _They must not have you_.

The VI stared at her, waiting for an answer. Shepard looked back at it, her breath coming out in ragged gasps, her body broken by pain, but her eyes full of fire. "You left the mass relays and the Citadel behind for us to find. You knew that we would use that amazing technology and develop along the paths you wanted. You knew that we would unwittingly choose the path that you had set for us."

The VI gave her a questioning look, unsure why she was telling it this.

But Shepard went on, unfazed. "Now, you're giving me three options, hoping that I'll accept your future again. You're hoping that I learned nothing from fighting you. You're hoping that I am like you: that I cannot change." Looking past the VI, Shepard stared at the Earth. "But I'm not like you. We are not like you. We are better than you."

"If you refuse a new solution, then we will destroy you!" the VI said angrily.

Shifting her attention back to the VI, Shepard shook her head. "No. You can't destroy me. You don't have that power anymore. Never again."

Shepard felt as if her eyes had been suddenly opened for the first time. The strangeness of the Citadel and how the Illusive Man had confronted her suddenly seemed so obvious. It was all so random and illogical, but every time she had stopped to wonder she had felt her brain assaulted by agony. And then there was the VI, who looked so much like an image from her nightmares and spoke for the Reapers. And suddenly she knew why. This was her worst nightmare come true. The Reapers were in her head, trying to control her. They were trying to indoctrinate her.

Indoctrination. How many lives had the Reapers destroyed through their robbing of people's minds? There was no one else alive who knew more about indoctrination than Shepard, and even she knew very little. She knew that there were varying levels of control, that the Reapers used their indoctrinated victims to sabotage civilization from the inside, and that there was no known cure for indoctrination. Every person she'd known to be indoctrinated was dead. That was the only way to end the Reaper's control.

The thought chilled her to the core. The Reapers didn't have control of her body, yet, but they were definitely in her head. And the longer the Reapers had a hold on her, the more strings they would attach to her until eventually they could move her like a puppet. If they gained control of Commander Shepard, the galaxy would fall quickly and absolutely. If Commander Shepard gave an order, people would follow. If she came calling, people would let down their defenses. She would be the ultimate symbol of the Reaper's power and control.

Liara's words resounded in her head again. _They must not have you_.

Shepard looked down at the heavy pistol in her right hand. Her gun. She knew it well. She'd modified it herself and used it in countless battles. But was it real or was it part of the Reaper illusion? Looking around the room, she decided that the room she saw probably wasn't real. It didn't look like any place on the Citadel. As for the Illusive Man, he probably had not been real either. There was no logical way he could have been aboard the Citadel. But had Anderson been real? Had anything he said been real?

She recalled her encounters with Benezia and Saren. When Benezia had seen Liara, she had acted as if she saw someone who was not quite her daughter. As if she had experienced someone completely different from who Liara actually was. It had been as if everything she heard was a twisted version of whatever was really said. Saren had been the same. When Shepard spoke to him, it was as if someone else was whispering in his ear at the same time. Yet, they were the only two people Shepard had ever known to break indoctrination, if only for a while. They had only broken indoctrination when they had decided to reject everything the Reapers had given them, including their false reality. Only when they had denied the Reapers everything by destroying themselves had they managed to sever the control.

_They must not have you_.

She could not accept any path the Reapers offered her, that was clear. But she couldn't do nothing either. The longer she stayed under their control, the more of herself she would lose to them. She had to break their control, and she only knew of one way to do that.

Shepard carefully slid out the magazine of her pistol to check how many shots she had remaining. Blinking rapidly, she was surprised to see a full clip, even though she knew that she had fired several shots already. Thinking back, she remembered using several bullets on the husks near the portal. She replayed the memory in her head and thought that she must have used ten shots. Then the next time she had used her pistol again had been... against Anderson. And then the Illusive Man. She knew this gun well, and there was no way she could have a full clip.

Sliding the magazine back in, Shepard looked at the VI, who watched her with suspicion. He hadn't said anything in a while, probably hoping that she'd conclude that her back was against the wall and her only choice was to accept one of his three options. The second she made her intentions clear, he would probably act too. Whatever she did, it would have to be decisive or else he'd find a way to stop her.

Forcing herself to ignore the pain, Shepard stood straight and raised her head, chin tilted up to the ceiling. She had to have faith in herself. Taking a deep breath, she said, "Never again will I weep, and wring my hands, and beat my head against the wall because _me nolentem fata trahunt_."

She'd made her choice. She knew that she had to refuse everything that the Reapers offered her. But they were in her head, controlling her thoughts. They wanted her; to take everything that defined Commander Shepard. But she would not let them. They could not have her. She would make sure of that.

Looking back at the VI, Shepard's eyes conveyed nothing but disgust. Her right arm raised the gun in her hand to her head. "But I will arise..."

She wondered if Saren had felt the same when he had raised his gun to his head and thanked her. If he knew that he had won in the end. If he knew that he had proved the Reapers wrong.

"... and I will say..."

It was harder than she had thought it would be to keep her hand from shaking. That part of her, the same part that resided in every human ever born, that survival instinct kicked in and urged her to drop the gun immediately. It took incredible willpower on her part, and faith that she was doing the right thing, to keep her hand steady. But she had to free herself. Shepard thought of Liara and the promise she had made. _I will always come back to you_.

Her voice was loud and filled the room as she spoke the final words. "I have had enough."

And she fired her gun.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Author's Note: Before anyone decides to murder me in my sleep, there is a second part to this, I swear! I cut it in half because it was just way too long. So, last day of the year you get this. A few days into the new year, I'll try to get the second part to you. I'll include a proper author's note in the second part as well. For now, I just wanted to say, let's not doing anything rash, ok?**


	14. Never Again Part II

The click was as deafening as a shotgun blast. Shepard blinked as the room around her spun and slowly came into focus. She felt the muzzle of her gun pressed against her temple and let out a sigh of relief. Twelve shots. That was all her pistol held. It had been empty after all.

Her hand trembled slightly as she lowered her gun and looked around the room. The VI child was gone and she found herself in a familiar location: the council chamber of the Citadel tower. _Did I really do it?_ she thought. _Did I actually break indoctrination?_

She wanted to fall to her knees and weep with joy. She was the only person to ever free herself from indoctrination and live, and only because she'd made a leap of faith. Realizing that she was indoctrinated obviously hadn't been enough; she had to completely reject the Reaper's reality. And the only way to do that was to completely destroy the Reaper's image of herself. To destroy everything that they insisted she was. That was why Saren and Benezia had had to die in order to break free. They had to destroy the part of themselves that the Reapers controlled in order to free the rest.

Shepard's saving grace had been the Reaper's oversight with her gun. When constructing their false reality for her, they had neglected one simple detail, but that detail had saved her life. She'd destroyed herself in the Reaper's reality because her gun had infinite ammo. She lived now only because her ammo had been, in fact, finite. Once she had understood that the Reapers had made a mistake in the construction of their false reality, she'd seen her opportunity to come out of this nightmare alive. _I'm keeping my promise_,_ Liara_, she thought. _I'm coming back to you._

As her initial euphoria of realizing that she had managed to survive indoctrination subsided, Shepard was greeted by a familiar feeling: pain. Apparently her injuries in the Reaper reality had not been imaginary and she felt every cut, scrape, bruise, and wound reassert itself. Her eyes also fell on a crumpled form just ahead of her, lying no more than ten feet away. It took her no time at all to recognize Anderson lying on his side, a pool of blood surrounding him. Limping over to him, she could see a bullet wound in his side and one in his chest. He had followed her into the portal after all? Had anything he said been true? And those two bullet holes...

The realization hit her hard. She'd shot him. Twice. Once when the Reapers made her and then again when she must have thought he was the Illusive Man. He was dead because of her. Her hand went to her left side and she felt the bullet wound there, still slowly oozing blood. The mysterious wound... had Anderson shot her? Had he tried to stop her when he realized that she was indoctrinated? But he hadn't killed her, even though it would have been the smartest choice once he saw that she was indoctrinated. And he'd paid for that decision with his life.

"Oh God..." she whispered. "You must have thought I was lost. I'm so sorry, Anderson. I'm so sorry."

Looking out of the main window of the Citadel tower, Shepard could see that the arms of the Citadel were open and she could see the battle raging over Earth. At least Anderson had managed to complete their mission. She could see the Crucible moving slowly towards her, surrounded on all sides by allied ships which acted as shields against the Reapers' lasers. Countless ships tore apart under the assault, the people aboard giving their lives in order to protect the only hope the galaxy had to survive. And here she was alive, when those people and Anderson had all given their lives. The guilt was already starting to eat away at her, but she pushed it aside for the moment. If she did make it out of this alive, there would be time to grieve. But for now she had to see this through to the end.

Suddenly, Shepard heard an odd clicking and gurgling noise from somewhere to her right. She spun quickly, raising her pistol, and then cursed when she remembered that it was still out of ammo. Her eyes searched frantically for whatever had made the noise and settled on a six limbed creature with solid black eyes: a keeper. Breathing in a sigh of relief, and feeling her side ache from the sudden movement, Shepard lowed her gun.

Although the keepers were harmless, they'd always creeped her out. And after learning that they were likely an ancient race - perhaps the first ones ever conquered by the Reapers - she'd only been able to see them as slaves. Sad, pathetic reminders of the destruction that the Reapers brought with them. The prothean VI, Vigil, had assured her that the keepers were no longer controlled by the Reapers, but they still maintained the Citadel for their conquerors. Still existed without freedom or hope. Shepard supposed that their souls had been taken from them, just like the collectors. She wondered if they even remembered who they used to be. If they could feel anything other than what the Reapers had programmed into them.

This one watched her with its unblinking eyes, but stayed in the alcoves of the council chamber. Shepard had never seen a keeper show interest in anything outside of its work. Maybe she was standing in its way and it needed to get into the council chamber for maintenance or something.

The creature made that odd clicking and gurgling noise again. Shepard tilted her head in confusion. Then she heard the sound of feet pounding on the floor and a screech from outside the chamber. She turned to see a horde of husks rushing towards her, a collection of mostly human husks, with some batarians and turians thrown into the mix.

_The portal_, she realized. _The Reapers must have sent them after me once they realized I couldn't be indoctrinated_. She glanced back quickly enough to see that the Crucible had just made it to the Citadel perimeter. If those husks got to the control panel and closed the arms, the Crucible would be cut apart. Everything they had worked for would be destroyed in minutes. She had to hold this position, alone and with no ammo.

Throwing her useless pistol aside, she limped as fast as she could towards Anderson's body and took the pistol from his hands. Hopefully he still had some rounds left. Aiming, she put a bullet through the first husk's head just as he reached the top of the stairs. Plenty more husks took his position though. Shepard summoned her biotics and pushed as many of them back as she could. A batarian husk opened fire with his machine gun and Shepard had to cover her body with a barrier. She put a bullet through one of his eyes in return. But the horde seemed endless.

Shepard fought them back mostly with biotics and a few well placed bullets, until she ran out of ammo and was forced to toss that pistol aside as well. She had to take deep breaths to keep her anger under control. It would have been so easy to allow her temper to power her through this, but she knew that this was just like Elysium. Power wouldn't win it for her here. Stamina would. Something she had never been great at. For every husk's face that she smashed in, another took its place. She tried to keep herself going by thinking, _Just one more. Just one more_. But after a while even lying to herself was becoming repetitive.

_This is nothing_, she tried to tell herself. _Liara would have no problem doing this. She could throw them back all day_. Then, another voice, a more cynical one, piped in, _Yeah, but Liara is a much better biotic than you_. That was hard to argue with.

But Shepard had to keep going. There was no other option. She sent wave after wave of biotic energy into the crowd of husks, pushing them back for a few moments and then repeating the process all over again. Her head started to feel light and the room began to spin. She blinked, trying to force her eyes to focus. Every muscle felt weaker by the minute and her heart pounded in her chest. Her increased heart rate made the wound in her side begin to bleed faster, adding substantial blood loss to her list of problems. After a while, her brain just stopped trying to process it all. All she could think about was the pain that she felt, how tired she was, and how blurry her vision was. She fought out of reflex and hardly even noticed when only one more turian husk stood in front of her.

At that same moment, the entire space station lurched forward, throwing Shepard to the ground. She landed roughly on her hands and knees, and felt her wrist twist uncomfortably. The vertigo she was experiencing made it hard to remember which direction was which, but she managed to glance out of the main window to see that the Crucible had finally reached its destination and attached to the Citadel. Her moment of victory was followed by screeching in her ear and she turned her head just in time to see the turian husk launch himself at her.

_Oh, right. You_, her brain thought dumbly. Its claws went straight for her throat, but she managed to shift in time so that they sank into her shoulders instead. She cried out in pain as the claws burrowed into her flesh and pinned her to the ground. The creature gnashed its fangs in her face and looked ready to rip her throat out with its teeth. Shepard brought her knee up, trying to kick it, but her blows didn't seem to bother it in the least. The commander couldn't even think anymore, her body was running on empty by this point. Instinct saved her, calling forth one last surge of her biotics that slammed into the husk and threw him off her. He hit the wall several yards away, his body broken by the force of the impact.

Shepard gasped for air, the movement sending tremors of pain rippling through her body, but otherwise she laid motionless on the ground, feeling blood seep out of her side and now her shoulders as well. Her muscles felt like mush; she didn't think she could move them if she tried. Everything hurt and every sensation was like a punch to the gut. Exhaustion threatened to take her instantly. It felt like she had never wanted anything more than to go to sleep. The act of forcing herself to keep her eyes open, to stay alert, made her body shake in protest. She even felt tears well up in her eyes as her body became frustrated that she wouldn't just let it rest. She also wanted to vomit from all the vertigo, but even that would have taken too much energy.

Shepard managed to tilt her head to the side so that she could see out the window and see the Crucible. Gears were moving on it and lights shone, telling her that it was active, doing something. There was even a humming, as if an engine were warming up, but otherwise it did nothing. Suddenly there was a beep from the main console and Shepard could see something pop up on the screen. She squinted and saw writing spread across the screen. It took the words a few moments to rearrange themselves in her head, to make sense. It dawned on her that the words must have been in prothean and she could only read it because of her contact with the beacon three years ago. It read: CRUCIBLE READY.

Ready, but not firing. If it was responding to the main console, then perhaps she had to tell it to fire from there. Shepard tried to sit up, tried to move, but her limbs were too weak. Even lifting her head caused the entire room to spin like a top. _I have to make it to the console_, she thought. She willed her body to move, pleaded with it, but she just couldn't find the energy.

She was killing herself, she realized suddenly. Every inch she did move resulted in more of her blood leeching away. It cost her a few more seconds of whatever life she had remaining. Shepard grit her teeth and kept trying though. She couldn't just give up. Managing to lift her arm above her head she dragged herself a few inches towards the console. Her blood left a smear along the floor like a slug.

As she laid there struggling, she noticed something green appear out of the corner of her eye. It scuttled across the room towards the control panel. She recognized it as the same keeper from earlier as it moved up the platform. Its thin arms hovered over the control panel and then it turned its head and looked back at Shepard, as if trying to decide something.

With a stab of icy fear in her gut, Shepard thought that it might be trying to shut down the odd program on the console. It probably saw the attachment of the Crucible as an invasion on its precious Citadel and would try to stop it.

"Don't!" Shepard shouted at it, redoubling her efforts to try to drag herself towards the console. "Don't shut it down! Get away from there!" She was arguing with a keeper. Trying to convince it to spare a galaxy that it probably didn't even notice existed. If she wasn't so frightened that it would doom them all, she might have laughed at the utter absurdity.

The creature watched her struggle, its face devoid of any emotions.

"Please!" she shouted, desperate. "Please, don't shut it down! We need that! We need it to stop the Reapers!"

Turning its head back to the console, the keeper selected several input commands. Shepard felt the entire station shake. The vibrations sent waves of pain through her body and she closed her eyes to keep herself from becoming nauseous. Then there was one huge jolt, like the recoil from a shotgun, and afterwards the Citadel was completely still. Shepard opened her eyes again to see that the Crucible was glowing like a Christmas tree. She gaped at it, dumbfounded, and then looked back at the keeper. Had it helped them? Had it told the Crucible to fire? Shepard suddenly felt terrible for being creeped out by it earlier. Maybe it did still have something of a soul left in it. Maybe it remembered a time before the Reapers, and remembered that the Reapers had taken everything from its people. And now it had gotten its revenge.

Shepard began to laugh hysterically. Laughing sent jolts of pain through her body, but she couldn't stop. The irony of a keeper helping her complete the mission, along with the knowledge that the Crucible was working, that they had won, was just too much. She was so consumed by her uncontrollable laughter that she didn't even see when the keeper scuttled away, disappearing into the shadows to join its identical brethren.

~.~.~.~.~

"Do you have anything yet?" Liara shouted to Tali as she simultaneously shot an incoming husk.

The quarian was still tinkering with the radio, trying to get any kind of signal back. "No, those bosh'tets are good. I can't get around their block," Tali replied, the frustration clear in her voice.

Liara was becoming more and more worried. She hadn't heard a word about Shepard in almost an hour. And an hour on the battlefield felt like an eternity.

In fact, they hadn't been able to get into contact with anyone. They felt blind and isolated as they fought wave after wave of husks. But they kept fighting all the same. It was all they could do.

Then, suddenly, the sky lit up as if the sun had broken through the clouds. Earth had been covered by a dense layer of ash since the Reaper attack, and the brightness was certainly out of place. Liara felt something, like a shockwave, ripple past her. She didn't see anything, just felt something push through her and then disappear. Looking around in surprise, she caught a glimpse of some of the Reapers in the distance. They were suddenly frozen, their great, glowing, red eyes going dark and their limbs grinding to a halt. The husks nearby also froze and then crumpled to the ground, as if the energy had been sucked right out of them.

Then all the Earth stood silent for a moment. The organics all looked around, staring at one another, trying to figure out what had just happened. Then, after a minute or two of silence, Liara heard the first boom of a missile slamming into a Reaper. The missile shredded through the Reaper's defenses like tissue paper. Immediately the air was filled with the sound of missiles crashing into the Reapers, destroying them as they stood lifeless. People cheered, the cacophony rivaling the sound of the destruction of the Reapers.

Then, from only a few feet away, Liara heard Tali say, "Oh! I have something!"

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard only stopped laughing when she heard a sudden crackling in her ear, a sign that her radio was coming to life. The signal was choppy, slightly distorted, but she heard a familiar voice.

"Shepard? Can you hear me? Shepard? Where are you?"

A beautiful, wonderful, familiar voice.

"Liara," she breathed.

"Shepard?" Liara said again, though this time it was clear that she had heard the commander's reply. "Oh, thank the Goddess! Shepard, where are you?"

"Citadel." Then, daring to hope, she asked, "The Crucible. Did it work?"

"Yes." Liara's voice sounded strangled, as if fighting back tears. "It worked. Shepard, you did it."

Shepard thought about saying, 'no, a keeper had done it,' but couldn't find the energy to even be humorous.

"Are you hurt?" Liara asked.

"Bleeding pretty bad," Shepard grunted. "Not dead. Could use some help though."

"We are going to send help right now, Shepard. Where are you exactly?"

"Council chamber."

She heard Liara say something to someone else. Meanwhile, Shepard struggled to fight off the ever encroaching hand of fatigue. It was over. She deserved to rest, didn't she?

"Shepard, we are making contact with Alliance command right now. We will tell them to send medics to you. Do you understand?"

"Understand," Shepard said softly. Her eyelids drooped and she had to force them open again. The effort of the conversation was starting to take its toll. "I'm so tired, Liara."

She could hear the panic in the asari's voice. "You have to stay awake. Please, Shepard, you have to stay awake, at least until help gets there. Can you do that for me?"

"Yes," Shepard mumbled, though she doubted the word came out as anything more than an unintelligible grunt on Liara's end. Trying again, she said, "Liara, listen. The Reapers tried to - to - to indoctrinate me. I... I killed..." she stumbled, her brain feeling foggy. She couldn't even remember how to form a sentence. The strain was too much.

"Tell me later," Liara urged. "You need to save your strength for now. Stay awake, ok? Listen to my voice, ok? Everyone down here on Earth is so happy. You saved them, Shepard. The Reapers just stopped working when you fired the Crucible. They are being destroyed right now. Everyone is safe now. Tali and James are here with me, and they are safe too. So, you need to stay awake and stay alive, Shepard. Remember what you promised me. You said that you would always come back to me. So, you have to keep your promise. I mean it. Just stay awake for a little bit longer, ok? Are you still awake? Can you still hear me?"

"Yes."

"Good. I know you will not let me down, Shepard. I will be with you soon. We can be together soon. And now that the Reapers are gone, we do not have to worry any more. No more fighting. No more fear. We will just be happy. We can plan our future. Together."

A future. Together. Shepard took deep, measured breaths and forced her eyes to stay open. She knew that if she closed her eyes, even for a second, she wouldn't be able to open them again. Listening to Liara's voice, Shepard kept a mental image of the asari in her mind. That was her anchor, holding her to this world, making her ignore the weariness that threatened to take her. Every second felt like an hour, but eventually she heard the sounds of other voices, coming from inside the same room as her. She couldn't see them from where she was until one of them knelt down by her. A salarian. His eyes seemed to take her entire body in at once, no doubt cataloging her various injuries.

"Major blood loss," he stated, as another person, a human this time, came up beside him. "Possible shock, extreme exhaustion. Will be difficult to move."

"Can I go to sleep now?" Shepard murmured.

This time the human spoke, his voice sympathetic. "Yes. You're safe now. You can rest. We'll take it from here."

Liara, who had obviously overheard the conversation said, "Go ahead, Shepard. I will be there when you wake up. I love you."

With a sigh of relief, Commander finally let her eyes close and let herself rest. It was finally over.

~.~.~.~.~

For the first time in months, Shepard slept without nightmares. No more Reapers. No more visions of horror. No more loss. Her dreams were random and illogical, full of images that held no meaning. They were exactly what they should be.

When Shepard opened her eyes again her body still felt heavy, exhausted, but there was considerably less pain. She recognized the narcotic effect of painkillers coursing through her veins, making her muscles feel nonexistent. The room she found herself in was mostly white and a large window took up most of the far wall, although the blinds were drawn. Shepard rested on a hospital bed, her head slightly elevated, and all was quiet. She took all of this in within seconds, with the added realization that she was still alive. Alive and safe.

Then she noticed the asari curled up next to her on the bed, her face pressed against the commander's right side and one arm draped around the human's middle while she slept. Shepard's body still felt fairly numb, but slowly the feeling of warmth from Liara's body began to register. Lifting her right hand, Shepard brushed her fingertips across Liara's cheek, confirming that she was real. She felt warm, and soft, and exactly like Shepard remembered. Stirring at the touch, Liara's sapphire eyes blinked open and she furrowed her brow groggily. Then, realizing that someone was touching her face, she bolted up into a sitting position and stared at the commander.

"Shepard!" she exclaimed.

Before the human could say anything, Liara pressed their lips together, drawing Shepard into a deep kiss. Shepard's hands cupped Liara's face and a hum of contentment rose from her chest. Both were so absorbed in the moment that the kiss became increasingly aggressive and Liara leaned in, resting some of her weight onto Shepard. The pressure caused the wounds in her side and shoulders to protest and Shepard broke the kiss with a sharp intake of breath.

"Ouch," she muttered.

Liara pulled back immediately, grinning sheepishly and said, "Oops. Sorry."

Shepard smiled back. "No, I'm sorry. I would have liked to know where that kiss was going."

Chuckling softly, Liara took Shepard's hand in hers, raised it to her lips and kissed the back of the commander's hand. Her smile seemed to light up the room. "Well, I am happy just to have you here, with me."

"I kept my promise."

Liara's eyes looked glassy as she fought back tears. "You did."

Shepard could still hardly believe it. The Reaper's were gone, the galaxy safe, and she and Liara were alive. It felt like a part of her, the part of her that always feared losing everything, had vanished. It felt like there was a hole in her soul where it had once lurked. A hole that she planned to fill with happiness. Looking at Liara, seeing the love of her life unharmed and staring back at her with love and adoration, Shepard felt a sudden urge to ask Liara to marry her. This wasn't the first time the desire had sparked, but all the other times she had pushed the thought aside because the fear of losing Liara was too much. She had never wanted their marriage to be marked by fear. Didn't want to marry Liara just because she was afraid that they wouldn't have a chance otherwise. She wanted to marry Liara when she could promise her a future to share together.

And now she could do that. But not at the present moment. Shepard pushed the thought to the back of her mind. When she proposed to Liara, it wouldn't be in some hospital room while she was lying in a bed barely able to move and still wounded. She would do it right. She had the time to do it right.

So, instead, Shepard said, "I love you sub specie aeternitatis."

Liara smiled back. "For eternity," she agreed. She leaned in to kiss Shepard again, though careful not to hurt the commander in the process.

When they pulled apart again, Shepard sighed with contentment and then asked, "I guess you should tell me about the aftermath." Then, remembering what probably should have been her first question, she asked, "Where are Garrus and Ashley? Are they ok?"

"They are fine," Liara assured her quickly. "They had some fairly serious injuries, but they were recovered as soon as the Reapers were destroyed. Apparently they managed to gather all of the wounded after the Reaper assault and kept most people alive. They are both being treated here in the hospital. I visited them today and the only thing they complained about was not making it to the portal."

Shepard smiled, relieved. "Good. I remember you said James and Tali were safe. What about everyone else?"

"As far as I know, everyone we know is alive. Well, except for Admiral Anderson." Liara still held Shepard's hand and she gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I am so sorry, Shepard."

Anderson. The memory was like a stab to the heart. Taking a deep breath, Shepard said, "Listen, Liara, I need to tell you what happened. And there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. The Reapers indoctrinated me at one point."

"Indoctrinated? How...?"

"When I got knocked out by the Reaper blast, I think I was vulnerable enough for the Reapers to finally exert control over me. When I woke up, what I saw... most of it wasn't real. I saw the Illusive Man, and talked to a Reaper VI, and... and I shot Anderson."

Liara shook her head. "Wait. I am sorry, Shepard, but I cannot wrap my brain around this. If you were indoctrinated, then how are you ok now? I thought there was no cure for indoctrination."

"There isn't," Shepard agreed. "Not really. I lucked out. That's really all there is to it. I managed to create a paradox in which I died in the Reaper reality, but didn't in this one." She explained about the gun and the leap of faith she had took, knowing that it was her only hope to not lose herself to the Reapers. Liara listened, wide-eyed.

"You shot yourself?" The horror in her voice made Shepard's gut twist into knots.

"Yes. Sort of. But I never forgot my promise," she said, almost pleading with Liara for her to understand. "I knew I had to destroy the part of myself that the Reapers had under their control. I knew it was the only chance I had of seeing you again."

Liara visibly shuddered. "I suppose I see the logic, but... I cannot even bear to think of it." She shook her head. "Going back to what you were saying... when you were indoctrinated, you shot Anderson?"

Shepard nodded solemnly. "Yes. I killed him. It's my fault. I know the Reapers were controlling me, but it's still my fault that he's dead. If I had figured out what was happening sooner or if I was stronger... well, maybe he'd still be alive." The guilt gnawed at her insides. If there was an afterlife and Anderson knew what had happened, he must have thought that the whole situation was incredibly unfair. Shepard had been a liability, almost ruining everything, and he had made it possible for the galaxy to be saved by opening the arms of the Citadel. Yet, here she was, alive, and he had died by her hand. He should have put a bullet through her head. That would have been fair and she couldn't have blamed him.

Liara watched Shepard with concern, her eyes showing that she felt some of Shepard's pain. "I know you will not believe this, Shepard, but it is not your fault. Anderson would not believe that it was your fault. The Reapers were a terrible enemy and they were controlling you. I think Anderson died still believing in you. And you repaid that faith. The galaxy is safe now, and that was what he wanted."

Shepard grimaced. "Intellectually, I believe you," she said, "but I still know that he is dead because of me."

Liara thought for a moment, then said, "After the Blitz, you said that you set a penance for yourself, to help make up for what happened to Melief. Perhaps you can pay back Anderson for his sacrifice in some way."

Frowning in concentration, Shepard nodded her head. "Yes, maybe you're right. I can't bring him back... but I can maybe make some amends. I need to think about it first, but maybe-"

Before she could say what she was thinking, the door to the room slid open and a familiar face looked in on them.

"Commander Shepard!" Dr. Chakwas said, flashing a smile. "I thought I heard voices coming from in here when I passed. I didn't think you'd be awake yet."

"Dr. Chakwas!" Shepard exclaimed. "I'm so happy to see you safe! What are you doing here though?"

Tilting her head and coming inside the room, she said, "Isn't it obvious? I'm your doctor. Well, not the first one to tend to your wounds, but I'm in charge of your recovery."

"Ah," Shepard murmured, looking around the room curiously. "Where exactly are we anyway? I forgot to ask."

"The Citadel. It's remarkable really. The Reapers were so eager to keep it functional for the purposes of continuing their cycle that they kept it safe while in their possession. Then, during the battle, neither side wanted to damage the station so it came out relatively unharmed. When you were recovered from the Citadel Tower, it was decided that that simplest thing to do would be to transport you to the closest hospital and then transport the rest of the medical supplies and doctors here."

"Oh," Shepard said. "How long have I been out?"

"A little over a day now." She came to stand by the bed, next to where Liara sat and laid a hand on the asari's shoulder with a smile. "Liara has been with you this whole time."

Shepard took Liara's hand in her own and squeezed it once. "I know."

"Well, since you seem to be fully able to talk, Commander, would you like to hear the damage report?"

"Sure. Why not?"

Dr. Chakwas leaned back to grab the datapad attached to the foot of the bed. She glanced at it quickly and then said, "Numerous lacerations, though most simple scratches. A few burns, though none above second degree. Most notable injuries were as follows: a half-inch deep incision through the left eyebrow, most likely from shrapnel. That was cleaned and stitched of course, but there will definitely be a scar."

Shepard couldn't help grinning a little as she thought about her old scar that had been the same, but over her right eyebrow. Maybe the scars were like badges of rank. She'd earned the first during the Blitz, one of the first defining moments of her career. Now she had a replacement from this battle, which was probably the most important.

"You also had a bullet wound in your left side. Surgery was done to extract the bullet and close the wound. I'd also expect a scar there. Then finally two distinct wounds on either shoulder, just between the armpit and collarbone. So far no one has been able to figure out what caused those wounds. They were very distinct with three puncture wounds per side and tightly packed."

"Ah, that was from when a turian husk tried to rip my throat out," Shepard offered, helpfully.

Dr. Chakwas's eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

"Well, obviously he didn't succeed. But no one can say he didn't give it a good try."

Dr. Chakwas shook her head. "Only you would say something like that casually, Commander." She put the datapad back in its place at the foot of the bed. "Anyway, as your doctor, I'm requiring two more days of bed-rest before I'll sign off on your release. Enough time to make sure your wounds are healing properly. I'm also going to restrict your visitors on the grounds that it would be too taxing on your health."

Shepard knew that Chakwas was doing that as a favor to her. Keeping out the media, the council, or anyone who would want to talk to Commander Shepard the hero and not the woman. Grateful, Shepard flashed a smile and said, "Thank you."

"Obviously, Liara, that restriction doesn't apply to you," Chakwas went on. "But I expect you to show good judgment and help the commander's recovery. She needs rest, not... excitement." Her voice sounded like that of a teacher, scolding two students prone to mischief.

Liara blushed. "Yes, of course."

Nodding her head in satisfaction, Dr. Chakwas said, "Good. I'll check back in on you in half an hour, Commander." She walked to the door, opened it, and then turned her head back to look at the woman in the bed. "And Shepard... thank you. Not just for doing the impossible, but for coming back to us." With that she slipped out the door.

Liara chuckled and shook her head. "I wonder if Dr. Chakwas will ever stop chastising me like a little girl."

"Oh?" Shepard asked. "Is that a common occurrence?"

"When it comes to you? Yes." Then Liara leaned forward and drew the commander into another kiss. She was careful to be gentle, but the kiss was still passionate. The softness of the asari's lips was a comfort, familiar and welcoming. Shepard deepened the kiss on instinct, wanting nothing more than to lose herself in Liara. Liara touched the human's face with a tender sort of reverence and Shepard put a hand on the back of her lover's neck, drawing her closer. By the time they pulled apart, both were breathless.

Taking in a few deep breaths, Shepard said, "Maybe she was right to chastise you, T'soni."

Liara grinned. "Maybe," she agreed, and kissed Shepard again.

~.~.~.~.~

"Commander Shepard," Admiral Hackett said jovially, gripping her hand and shaking it. "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes." He smiled, his normally worn and battered face looking younger than it usually did, as if a great weight had been lifted from him.

The movement in her arms as she shook his hand hurt the wounds that were still healing in her shoulders, but Shepard refused to let that show. She smiled back warmly and said, "Admiral. I'm glad to see you alive and well."

Three days after the end of the war, Shepard had finally gotten clearance to leave the hospital and move about. Immediately people had messaged her, asking her to appear one place or another, to make a speech or to accept thanks. She couldn't say no to everything, but tried to limit her public appearances to only what she felt obligated to do. That meant accepting an invitation to the celebration being thrown by the Council and also agreeing to talk at a memorial service for all those who had given their lives in the war. But this meeting with Admiral Hackett was her own idea, something she knew that she had to do.

"Alive because you came through, Commander," Hackett said, still smiling. She had asked to meet him while he was still aboard the Citadel, and he was using the vacant human embassies office as his own in the meantime. He motioned towards the chair opposite of his desk, offering it to her before sitting in his own chair. As Shepard eased herself into the chair, he added, "Well, I suppose I will have to start calling you Admiral soon. I imagine plenty in Alliance Command will want to promote you as soon as possible."

Shepard frowned and steeled herself for what needed to be done. "I'm afraid those people will be disappointed, Admiral. I won't accept the promotion."

He raised an eyebrow at her and his smile faded. "I don't understand. You want to stay a commander?"

"No. I... I want to resign from the Alliance."

"What? Why?"

"I'm the one that killed Admiral Anderson."

Hackett sat back in his chair while he eyed the commander, his face grim. "Commander," he said carefully, "we are aware that Admiral Anderson died... most likely from friendly fire given his injuries. And his loss was a tragedy, but I don't think anyone would dream of court marshaling you."

"I know," Shepard replied. "That's why I'm punishing myself." She looked at the floor for a moment before raising her eyes to meet his again. "You're a soldier, Admiral, so I think you will understand. I don't know if you've ever been in my position before, but I can't just forget about Anderson. I can, however, try to do the right thing. I can't wear the blue and white when I know that I killed one of its greatest heroes. I need to close this chapter of my life. As much as it hurts to do so."

Hackett stared at her, his face blank, and then he let out a heavy sigh. "I understand you, Shepard. I wish I didn't, but I do. I'll get all the paperwork in order and break it to Alliance command. I hope you realize, though, that you will have to still accept the Alliance's medals before you go. They might even promote you before that too. They're going to want to use your image for recruiting again. I don't think you are getting around that. The galaxy needs a hero right now."

Shepard shrugged. "I know. That's all fine. They can do whatever they want with my image. But I do have one more favor to ask." Leaning forward, Shepard trained her violet eyes on him. "I want to make sure that whatever medals they give me, they also give to Anderson."

Hackett didn't look surprised. "I think that's doable. The Alliance won't be opposed to having two heroes, one alive and one awarded posthumously. Though... if I recall correctly, Anderson didn't have any next of kin. I don't know who the medals would be given to."

"Give them to me," Shepard said. "I know someone who could be considered the next best thing to next of kin, and I'll deliver them myself."

"Highly unorthodox," Hackett muttered, but he sounded amused. "But then again, when has anything with you ever been by the book? Alright, Shepard, I'll see what I can do."

~.~.~.~.~

The woman wore an Alliance uniform, dress blues, but her blonde hair was down, shoulder length, and her posture seemed more casual than one might have expected. She stood with her back to Shepard, staring at a plaque that had been erected on the Presidium in order to remember all those who had died in the war. It'd be replaced in time, when the council had decided on how the memorial should look and all the names of casualties were collected, but for now it served as a reminder and a place-holder. She didn't hear the commander approach and jumped slightly when Shepard called her name.

"Kahlee Sanders."

She turned and trained her distinct, pale, blue eyes on the commander. Shepard did not wear an Alliance uniform. Instead she had chosen simple civilian clothes, long pants and a T-shirt and jacket. She limped slightly as she moved, the wound in her left side still causing her a bit of pain.

Kahlee smiled, politely, but confusion was plain on her face. "Commander Shepard," she said. "It's good to see you again." A brief pause and then, "But I have to admit, I'm surprised that you wanted to see me. I'm sure you're very busy."

"I'm sure you're equally as busy," Shepard answered. "I'm sorry for making you come all the way out here. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me." She reached inside her jacket and drew out a small box from one of the inner pockets. The box was dark blue with the Alliance symbol on top, but otherwise nondescript. "I wanted to give you something." She held out the box to Kahlee. "These are Anderson's medals for honor and bravery. There are a few non-Alliance ones too. The turian, asari, and quarian militaries all awarded him their highest medals."

Kahlee blinked in surprise and lifted the lid of the box to see the various medals all aligned neatly and pinned to a white backing. She looked back at Shepard, her mouth slightly open and her brow furrowed. "But... why are you giving them to me, Commander?"

"Because Anderson didn't have a next of kin listed to receive these in the case of his death. I asked that they be turned over to me so that I could give them to the person that I think Anderson would have wanted to have them. You."

Kahlee stared at Shepard as if she were trying to solve a puzzle. She looked again at the medals and back up. "How - how did you know that Anderson and I..."

Shepard smiled. "I picked up on something when I met you at the academy, and then when I talked to Anderson I got the impression that he cared about you. After that... well, let's just say that I have a friend who specializes in gathering information. I don't know the full story because I didn't want to pry, but I know enough to know that he loved you. And I think you loved him too."

Kahlee brushed her fingers over one of the medals reverently, her expression a mixture of pain and remembrance. "I did," she said quietly. "I did love him. I had hoped that maybe after this war was over..." She stopped, tears forming in her eyes which she quickly wiped away with the back of her hand. Looking back at Shepard, she asked, "Are you sure I should have these though? We weren't married."

"You loved him and you knew him as a person. You'll remember him how he deserves to be remembered. That's what matters."

"Thank you, Commander. I cannot tell you how much this means to me."

At that, Shepard frowned and her expression darkened. She averted her eyes. "You may not want to thank me, Kahlee. I have another reason why I asked you to meet me. I wanted to tell you in person... I wanted to tell you the truth. Anderson, he..." Shepard wasn't sure how to say it. She took a deep breath and decided to say it as simply as she could. "He died because of me. I shot him."

Kahlee's mouth hung agape and she stared at Shepard, her eyes wide. There was a moment of terrible, stunned silence and then she said, "Why?"

Shepard had resolved not to make excuses for her actions, but she would tell the truth. As plainly as she could. "The Reapers had indoctrinated me and made me see things that weren't real. When I killed him, I thought I was shooting someone else. Anderson... he should have shot me - he would have been right to do so - but he didn't. He spared my life and opened the arms of the Citadel. He saved us all."

Kahlee just stared back at Shepard. Her eyes said that she was trying to process the information. Shepard bowed her head and added, "I wish I could tell him how sorry I am. I wish I had been stronger. I know nothing I say can bring him back, but... I am sorry. I wanted to meet you today to tell you that I know he is dead because of me. I know I took him from you. And I know the blame rests with me. David Anderson embodied everything that I loved about the Alliance. He was all that was best about it." Taking another deep breath, Shepard went on, "So, if you hate me, I understand. If you never want to see my face again, I understand. If you want me to, I'll turn around and you'll never see me again, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I'll never forget him."

Shepard watched Kahlee carefully to see how the other woman would react. She was prepared for just about anything. Screaming, cursing, crying, anything. She was even prepared for what she got: silence.

Shepard waited a few moments to make sure that Kahlee did not want to say anything to her, then, nodding her head solemnly, Shepard turned slowly and began to walk away. She knew better than to intrude on Kahlee's grief. Shepard's presence probably only caused her pain. The commander resolved to quietly fade from Kahlee's life and never bother the woman again.

"Shepard, wait."

The dark haired woman turned around to see Kahlee staring at her, her face unreadable. The commander prepared herself once more for anything. She wouldn't blame Kahlee at all if the woman decided to hurl insults at her. Walking forward, Kahlee closed the gap between them and stared directly into the commander's eyes.

Her voice was gentle and Shepard was surprised to find no malice in it. "David had a favorite prayer that he used to say sometimes. Something old from our Earth heritage. A soldier's prayer, he called it. He said that he would always say it to himself before going into battle." She reached out and laid a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

Then Kahlee smiled, and Shepard realized there was one thing that she had not been prepared to receive: forgiveness.

"I think you should take those words with you," Kahlee continued. "And know that if it's my forgiveness that you seek, then you have it."

Shepard did not cry often, but she suddenly felt tears in her eyes. "Why?" she blurted out. "Why do you forgive me? I took him from you."

Kahlee shook her head. "No. The Reapers took him from me. And you and David... you both saved the galaxy from those monsters. It is not my place to hate. Hate and anger and cruelty were for the Reapers. I want nothing to do with those things. David loved you, and so I too love you, Commander."

Shepard wiped some of the water from her eyes, simultaneously embarrassed at her tears and grateful that she had something to offer Kahlee to show her contrition.

"Know that you have my forgiveness Shepard, and I know that you have David's as well. Now, you need to forgive yourself."

Shepard took in a breath and it rattled in her chest. Her face was red from crying and tears still trickled down her face, but she looked at Kahlee without averting her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered. "I'll try."

~.~.~.~.~

Tapping at her omni-tool, Shepard unlocked the front door and held it open for Liara. The asari smiled her thanks and walked inside, carrying both her and Shepard's bag. The commander had insisted that she could at least carry her own duffel bag, but Liara had fought on the grounds that Shepard's injuries were still recovering. Shepard argued that she'd had worse before, but Liara wouldn't be budged and eventually Shepard gave up and let the asari carry both their bags. She followed Liara into the apartment, a trendy little place on the Presidium that the council had practically shoved at Shepard as soon as she was released from the hospital. They insisted that Shepard stay on the Citadel during her recovery and stay close at hand - just in case they needed her opinion on anything. So, they'd given her the keys to a new apartment and told her that they would see that it was furnished immediately so that she could move in. It was amazing how they had gone from righteous pricks to eager to please. All it took was saving the galaxy.

_Coming home. The hero's return_, Shepard thought as she stepped into the strange apartment. _And if you don't have a home to return to, someone provides one, I guess._ If she had to pick a place that felt like home, it'd be the Normandy. Its corridors and rooms were as familiar as any place could be. Shepard wouldn't have objected to staying on her ship, but it had taken damage during the battle for Earth and was undergoing repairs. At least the new location would throw the media off for a few days while they hunted around the Normandy in vain.

Looking around the apartment, Shepard's eyebrows raised in disbelief. Growing up in a rural colony with a large family, she'd never known a lot of luxury. Everything her family had owned had a purpose, a use. Aesthetics took a backseat to practicality and making do without was a common mentality. Then, in the Alliance, she'd gotten used to all kinds of miserable living conditions. At best, she could expect a clean barracks shared with multiple other soldiers. At worst, she could be sleeping in a muddy ditch somewhere while missile fire kept her unit pinned down. She'd owned an apartment on the Citadel before, a small place that was part housing set aside for military personnel. It had contained three rooms, and given Shepard's lack of personal possessions, it had been rather bare. The height of luxury for Shepard had been her private room aboard the Normandy. This apartment made all that look like a dump.

She couldn't immediately tell how many rooms there were just at a glance, but she knew there were more than three. The foyer (her parent's house hadn't even had a foyer) where she stood opened up into a large living room, which separated into a hallway and the kitchen. Per the council's promise, the living room was already furnished, with an expensive looking couch, a large TV, a coffee table, and decorated with various pieces of art.

Liara set their bags down in the living room and joined Shepard in exploring the apartment. The commander was pleased to find the kitchen fully stocked with cooking utensils and supplies, though there was no food in the fridge. Down the hall, they found a large and opulent bathroom attached to the master bedroom. Liara let herself flop down on the king sized bed, arms spread wide and her eyes looking up at the ceiling.

"Wow, this is really soft," she said. "I have not stayed in any place so nice since I lived on my mother's estate back on Thessia. Comfort was never a big part of dig sites."

Shepard sniffed at that, shaking her head with a smile. "At least you've been in a place like this before. I feel like a bum that just walked in off the street." She opened a closed door on the far end of the room and found a spacious, walk-in closet. Sighing, she added, "I know for a fact that you and I don't have enough clothes to fill a fraction of this closet." All of their belongings fit into two military issued duffel bags, which could easily be tucked into the corner of the closet and go unnoticed.

As Shepard closed the closet door, Liara sat up and looked around the room. "This apartment is beautiful, but bare," she agreed. "Despite all the nice things it still feels... empty."

Shepard sat down next to Liara and studied the profile of her face. Her brow furrowed over lovely blue eyes that took in everything. Her dark blue, almost purple, lips pulled down in concentration as she examined their new surroundings. Her unique freckles that dotted her cheeks and danced over the bridge of her nose.

"I don't know about that," Shepard said softly. "I have everything I want right here."

Liara turned to look at her and smiled. She reached up and stroked Shepard's cheek with her fingers. "So do I," she whispered.

They stared at each other for a while, soaking in the realization that they were finally together and alone. Shepard leaned forward and pressed their lips together, tenderly and undemanding. She could feel Liara's lips form a grin and the asari immediately intensified the kiss as if to say "No, that will not quite do."

Intoxicating. The only word capable of describing the kiss. With Liara, Shepard could feel her pain being leeched away. Her fears and her suffering from the war seemed to vanish. All that mattered was her love for Liara. The fact that they wouldn't be separated anymore. She wanted to have every inch of Liara pressed against her and she wanted to be one with her. She wanted everything of Liara and wanted to give everything of herself in return.

Liara placed her hands at the back of Shepard's neck, her blue fingers twisting into the human's black hair. The commander's hands found their way to the asari's jacket and she quickly unzipped it to reveal only a white camisole beneath. While she began peeling away the jacket, Liara suddenly pulled back, breaking the kiss abruptly. Confused, but too stimulated to think straight, Shepard leaned in to try to recapture the asari's lips, but Liara put a hand on Shepard's chest to stop her.

"Wait," she said breathlessly, her voice huskier than usual. "What about your injuries, Shepard?"

Shepard blinked rapidly, her brain taking an extra second to process the words. "My injuries?" she murmured. Then, realizing what Liara meant, she said, "Screw 'em. I don't care."

Liara gave her an exasperated look. "Please, do not make me be the responsible one here, Shepard. I do not want to accidentally hurt you."

"We can be careful," Shepard insisted.

Liara's eyes clearly revealed that she was struggling between what she wanted and what she knew was probably the wiser option. "And what happens if you really do get injured again?" she demanded.

"We go back to the hospital and they fix me," Shepard answered quickly, obviously not taking the problem too seriously.

"And tell them what, exactly?"

The commanders shrugged. "I fell down some stairs."

"Dr. Chakwas will not believe that."

"You said that she doesn't trust you around me anyway," Shepard said with a grin.

Liara sighed. "Shepard you are making it very hard to do the right thing."

Shepard's grin widened to become a roguish expression. "I'm tired of doing the right thing. I think we've built up enough cosmic karma to be irresponsible for once." Cupping Liara's face in her hands, the commander kissed her again. Liara let the kiss go on for about ten seconds before breaking away again.

"Look, Shepard, if you start to feel any pain, then you need to tell me and-"

"I'll say ouch," Shepard promised, rolling her eyes. "Now, will you please just kiss me?"

Liara did kiss Shepard, and that was the end of the argument.

~.~.~.~.~

For the first time ever, Shepard felt truly uncomfortable wearing her Alliance uniform. She could still remember a time when it had felt like a second skin, when it had been her entire identity, but that time felt so long ago. However, at the moment, since her resignation from the Alliance was still not finalized or even announced, it was expected that she would play the part. And since she couldn't wear armor to a formal celebration, she was stuck with her dress blues.

The celebration, thrown by the council in order to commemorate the end of the Reaper War and also to honor the fallen, was one of many functions Shepard had been forced to attend. But, as Councilor Tevos had assured her many times, it was by far the most important. Commander Shepard's presence would be a comfort to the people and also serve as a symbol of hope during the time of rebuilding. Or some political bullshit like that. To be honest, it was getting hard to remember all the lines the council had fed her over the last week.

At least the celebration was a good chance to see her crew. She'd seen them all at some point or another, but usually briefly at the hospital. Garrus and Ashley had taken some pretty bad hits during the charge through the killing zone and they'd been laid up in the hospital longer than Shepard. James and Tali were fine with only minor scrapes and bruises, but the Alliance had snatched James up to debrief with him almost immediately, and the Fleet had done the same with Tali. Joker had broken a few bones during the firefight, but as he put it: "It could have been worse." She'd called other friends to discern their statuses, and they were all fine even if a little banged up. Most were not invited to the celebration though. Among Shepard's friends, only members of her actual crew had received an invitation, along with one notable addition.

"Shepard!" came the booming voice. Wrex simply parted the crowd of people in front of him to get to the commander, approaching her with a wide grin on his face. He wore what Shepard assumed were traditional krogan clothes. It looked like armor, but was noticeably too thin to be real krogan armor. Pale red in color, it resembled scales, intricately laid together and covering the gigantic krogan from head to toe.

"Wrex," she said with a smile. "I still can't believe they let your ugly ass come to this."

He let out a raucous laugh. "Didn't you hear, Shepard? I'm respectable now. They had to invite a krogan dignitary after we pulled their quads out of the fire."

All around them people moved about the large room that had been set aside for the celebration. They were all notable government officials or military heroes. Outside the sun was setting and people were talking over glasses of wine or plates of food. While most of the guests couldn't help casting glances over at Shepard and the krogan battlemaster next to her, they also kept their distance. Some probably out of fear. Others probably wanted to maintain their air of importance by acting too stately to swoon over the commander. Shepard was more than grateful to be left alone.

"I bet you got some great new scars," she said to Wrex.

"I did. Some are just average, but I have a few that made this war worth it," he boasted. Then aside, "I would show you, but it would probably shock our polite company."

"Since when did that ever stop you?"

He snorted and tossed his head. "Like I said Shepard, I'm respectable now."

They both laughed over that and proceeded to exchange tales of what had happened during the battle for Earth. Shepard related her run through the killing field, followed by indoctrination, followed by a solo battle with a horde of husks. She didn't bother telling him about her guilt over killing Anderson since she doubted he'd really understand - to a krogan, loss was just something that happened and there was no point dwelling on it. Wrex was impressed, but asked few follow up questions. For him, a war story was just a matter of fact. In return, he told her about the krogan standoff with an army of husks while the Reapers hailed lasers down on them. He related images of the gruesome deaths some of his men had suffered, recalling the memories with a sort of prideful respect.

Then he said, "You'd be proud of your boy, Shepard. He killed almost as many husks as me."

Shepard had made contact with Grunt at the same time she had contacted Wrex after the battle. Both krogans were injured, but given their ability to regenerate they were already better recovered than her. All Grunt had really cared about was how amazing his scars were and she couldn't help grinning at his typical krogan attitude.

Shepard felt a brush against her arm as Liara sidled up next to her, holding two glasses of wine in her hands. She wore a long, yellow dress, cut simply to the degree of elegance. Around her neck she wore the sapphire pendant Shepard had given her, and her eyes seemed to sparkle in order to match. She handed Shepard one of the glasses and with a touch of humor said, "I am glad to see you alive and well, Wrex. If anything had happened to you, Shepard would have been distraught for weeks."

He grinned. "I didn't want to make you jealous, T'soni. I know how possessive asari can get about their bond mates."

Liara chuckled. "I appreciate the gesture."

Shepard nodded in approval; Liara was getting much better at interacting with krogan. Adopting such a crude and harsh sense of humor had never come naturally to the asari and Shepard could remember a time when she would be horrified by the things she heard Shepard and Wrex say to one another. But she seemed able to read in between the lines now and understand the often murky line between friendship and hostility for the krogan.

Lowering her voice so as not to be overhead, Liara changed the subject saying, "I have discovered that the council did, in fact, invite a select few media outlets to come cover tonight's event."

Shepard groaned. "Which they neglected to tell me, of course. Great."

"And they will be arriving in about one minute," Liara added.

"What? Are you serious?" Shepard cursed under her breath. "They will never leave me alone if they see me."

Liara leaned in to kiss Shepard on the cheek and then said, "I just wanted to warn you. Good luck." She turned to go and Shepard caught her by the arm and glared at her.

"You're leaving me?" Shepard practically yelped. "What kind of girlfriend are you?"

"The smart kind," Liara replied with a grin. "After all, I remember you saying that it was better if the media knew less about us."

"That didn't mean you should abandon me to the wolves!"

"I do not know what wolves are, Shepard, but I am sure you will be fine." Flashing an impish grin, she added, "After all, you defeated the Reapers. A bunch of reporters should be no trouble at all."

That was the same moment that the reporters burst into the room. The crowd of dignitaries and military officials shuffled uneasily, but the cameras swept the room and found Shepard immediately. There was a mad dash to reach the commander first. Liara shrugged and slipped away, giving Shepard a wink as she went. Shepard only had time to hiss, "Traitor!" before the media had her surrounded.

One woman stuck a microphone right into her face and said, "Commander Shepard! Could you give us a few words about how you stopped the Reapers? What exactly happened when you were aboard the Citadel?"

"Commander Shepard! What are your plans now?"

"Will you be taking control of the Alliance? Will you continue to be a spectre?"

"Do you have any words for the people at home about the war?"

"Can you show us your injuries?"

"Commander! What about your fight with the Reapers? The people want details!"

Shepard held up her hands uncomfortably, trying to back away from them, but they followed her like a hungry pack of dogs. She knew that she would have to fully disclose what had happened eventually, but she wanted to do it in a private interview, without them hounding her for answers. Unfortunately, she couldn't fall back on her usual tactic of claiming the information was classified without making either the Alliance or the council look shady. So she stood there looking like a deer in headlights as they continued to shout their questions.

Suddenly a gigantic shape moved in between her and the reporters. She gaped at Wrex's back as the krogan kept her blocked from view. "You want a story?" he demanded. "I'll tell you about how I ripped a husk in half with my bare hands and used its leg to beat another one to death."

Realizing that he was giving her a chance to escape, Shepard backed away slowly. The reporters looked agitated, trying to look around him, but he kept them at bay. As he launched into gory detail about the battle for Earth, however, they suddenly became interested and turned their cameras on him. Putting some distance between herself and them, Shepard let out a sigh of relief. She would need to thank Wrex later.

"The media. The one enemy the great Commander Shepard has never been able to defeat." Shepard whipped around to see Garrus standing behind her. He made a tall, dashing figure in his traditional turian suit, though he looked somewhat strange without his typical visor over his left eye. When he stepped towards her, he had a noticeable limp. In his hand he held a drink with a blue liquid in it, a turian liquor Shepard had seen him drink before.

"Garrus!" she exclaimed. "This is the first time I've seen you on your feet in a while. You were pretty banged up when I saw you in the hospital."

"I've had worse," he muttered, rubbing his talons over his scarred mandible from where he'd taken a rocket to the face. "I was more upset that I never made it to the portal with you."

Shepard shook her head. When she'd seen him in the hospital he had told her how he and Ashley had been buried under rubble with several other soldiers. They had freed as many people as they could and then evacuated the wounded, even though they had both had serious injuries. In exchange Shepard had told him what had happened to her. "No, I'm glad you didn't. I told you before; I was indoctrinated. The Reapers would have turned me against you in a heartbeat."

He just shrugged. "Maybe you're right. Still, I feel bad for not being there."

"Don't," Shepard assured him. Then realizing that she still held the wine glass that Liara had given her, she raised the glass and added, "We survived the war. Against all the odds. That's all that really matters. I think we deserve a drink."

He grinned and raised his glass as well. "Yeah, I can drink to that."

They downed their glasses as Ashley, Joker, and EDI emerged out of the crowd. Both Ashley and Joker wore their dress blues, and EDI had even donned a white dress in an effort to look more human. Ashley had her right arm in a sling and a cast as well as a bandage on her forehead, but otherwise she looked healthy. Joker had crutches under his arms since he'd broken several bones during the rough flying, but EDI looked perfectly fine. Ashley flashed a grin and held out a blue marker to the commander.

"Would you do me the honor, Skipper?" she asked.

Shepard chuckled, taking the marker, and leaned over her friend's cast. There were already several signatures, some written in alien languages and others in English. Finding a blank spot, Shepard added her name. As she straightened and handed the pen back to Ashley, she said, "Who would have ever thought three years ago, that Gunnery Chief Williams would have a cast that looked like the signing of an intergalactic treaty?"

Ashley laughed at that and stared down at all the alien languages represented on her arm. "Man, you're right. I've come a long way since then."

"I think we've all changed a lot," Joker pointed out. Looking over at EDI and smiling, he said, "After all, I don't think anybody would have bet on me being ok with an AI as my co-pilot. Or being ok with having a co-pilot at all." Then gesturing to Shepard and Garrus he added, "And these two are way less uptight. They used to be all business and nothing else."

Shepard didn't argue with that. She knew that she'd softened a lot over the last few years, mostly because of Liara. She'd changed in many ways, and she hoped that she'd been changed for the better.

As she set her empty glass down on a passing tray, she noticed James and Tali approaching the group. James wore his Alliance dress blues as well and looked rather gentlemanly with his arm offered to Tali who had her own arm nervously draped through his. Tali wore her usual environmental suit since there wasn't much choice for quarians. When they reached the others, Tali shyly pulled her arm away, probably not sure what to make out of the human gesture. James didn't seem to mind, and even looked amused at her bashfulness. When the quarian saw Shepard though, she threw her arms around the commander and pulled her into a hug.

"Shepard!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad you're safe!"

Since Tali and James had been scooped up by their respective governments quickly after the end of the war, Shepard hadn't seen either of them in person yet. She hugged Tali back tightly as if she were embracing a little sister.

"You and me both," Shepard said, trying to keep the conversation as light as possible. When Tali finally released the commander, James shuffled in to shake Shepard's hand with a grin.

"Good to see you up on your feet, Lola." Then he winked and added, "I never doubted for a second that you'd pull through."

Garrus crossed his arms and let out a chuckle. "I suppose you like to gamble on the long-shot, Vega."

Shepard shot him a glare, but then laughed as well. James just kept up his smile. "What can I say, Scars? I like to take risks."

Meanwhile, Tali craned her neck to peer around Shepard and saw Wrex talking animatedly with the reporters. He seemed fairly excited to have such a captive audience for his violent tale. "What's Wrex doing?" she asked.

Shepard shot a glance back at the krogan. "Oh, he's distracting the media while I slink away. Liara was just kind enough to warn me that they were coming, and then she disappeared."

"I just saw her," Tali said. "We were chatting for a little bit and then James showed up and we went to find you. I don't know where Liara went off to, though."

"Probably putting as much distance between herself and these reporters as she can," Shepard grumbled.

Ashley's eyes suddenly lit up with excitement and she asked, "Speaking of Liara, Skipper, are you going to pop the question anytime soon?"

"Pop the question?" Tali repeated, trying out the human phrase and coming up with no meaning.

"Ask her to marry you," Ashley clarified for the benefit of the non-humans.

"Oh! A wedding! That would be wonderful!" Tali exclaimed. She bounced on her feet and leaned in for the commander's answer.

Shepard recoiled slightly, surprised by the directness of the question. "Uh... Well..."

James grinned like a fox in a henhouse and playfully ribbed Garrus with his elbow. "Hey, Scars, wouldn't that be a pretty hot wedding? Our spicy Lola and the sexy, asari doctor? I'd like to see that."

Garrus grinned and crossed his arms. Joker jumped in, "You know what I wanna see? Shepard with kids. Can you imagine?"

Shepard glared at him.

"I do not understand," EDI said. "How is the Commander procreating humorous?"

Joker smacked his forehead. "No, not... not like that. I'll explain later."

"So, are you going to ask her soon or what?" Ashley pressed.

"I - I -" Shepard stammered, unsure what to say. Having her private life placed under the microscope always made her uncomfortable.

"Come on, Shepard," Joker said. "It's not like I'm asking about your sex life again."

Shepard felt her face flush with heat. All their eyes were on her, waiting for her to make some big announcement. Of course she wanted to marry Liara, but having so much attention directed at her, demanding information, made her panic. Her fingers tugged at her collar nervously and she slowly backed away. "I should go."

Ashley let out an annoyed _tsk_ and slapped the back of her hand on Joker's chest. "Look what you did, idiot!"

"Ouch," he yelped. "Brittle bones, remember?"

Ashley ignored him. "You scared Shepard off!" Even as she yelled this, Shepard beat a hasty retreat. She headed for the open balcony, emerging out of the crowd onto the empty terrace. Taking in a deep breath, she sighed and went over to the railing, placing both hands on the banister as she gazed out at the Presidium. Her face felt unbelievably hot, and the fresh air felt cool by comparison.

Staring out at the Presidium, Shepard marveled at how pristine everything looked. If she didn't know better, she could have thought that the war had happened a long time ago. Of course, the actual home worlds were the places most affected by the Reapers and they would take time to rebuild, but the Citadel looked perfectly peaceful. It amazed her how quickly the galaxy seemed to rebound after facing almost certain destruction. People fell back into their familiar comforts, turned their heads towards the future, and picked up the pieces of their lives. Even her friends, who sported both emotional and physical scars from the war, seemed ready to move forward.

And Shepard had begun to move on. Separating from the Alliance had been the first step to closing that chapter of her life. Soon she would embark on the next chapter: a story about a life with the woman she loved. Maybe in time she would miss the excitement of her time spent fighting the Reapers, but for now she was glad that it was at an end. It still felt unreal at times. She feared that she would awake from a dream to find herself still living in fear, wondering if she would make it out of the war alive. She feared that she had been tricked all along and had never broken free from indoctrination. That perhaps she was committing atrocities as an unaware slave of the Reapers, while she lived in her own dream world.

The thought felt like an icy hand in her gut. What if she hadn't won after all? What if it was all a lie? What if -

She felt a warm body press against her back and slender arms wrapped around her middle. The way that the other person's body conformed to her own was so familiar that she didn't have to look to know that it was Liara embracing her. The asari rested her chin on Shepard's shoulder, but didn't say anything. They just stood there, staring out at the quiet Presidium.

_This is real_, Shepard thought, her fear leeching away. _The Reapers could never recreate Liara_. There was only one person Shepard loved so dearly, and she could never be fooled by a fake. The commander leaned into Liara's embrace, her touch enough to ease Shepard's worry.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Shepard finally said, "So, you only come back when the coast is all clear, hm?"

Liara smiled. "You seem to have escaped the media unscathed. I do not see why you are complaining."

"It's the principle of the matter," Shepard huffed, though with no real anger in her voice. She twisted in Liara's arms so that she faced the asari and placed her own arms around her waist. Another witty retort was on the tip of her tongue, but died as she looked into Liara's sapphire eyes. It felt like a trance, staring at Liara and thinking that she looked so beautiful. Words fell frustratingly short of describing the feeling that gripped Shepard's heart. She wanted to fall to her knees and thank whatever benevolent force that had given her Liara. She wanted to hold Liara in her arms and never let her go. Liara seemed to be the only person who always had the power to completely disarm Commander Shepard.

Liara studied Shepard's face just as intently. They both looked as if they desperately wanted to say something, but neither could find the right words. After all they had been through, the losses, the pain, the fighting, they finally had peace. An entire future lay before them and their old fears could be laid to rest.

Still struggling to find words, Shepard managed to say, "Do you think we're ready for this?" She didn't need to clarify what "this" was. It was the next step: creating the life they'd always been too afraid to imagine, just in case they lost it all. It was never having to say goodbye again.

Liara smiled. "I could face anything with you, Shepard."

The commander leaned in to kiss Liara, and wished that she could stop time and kiss her forever. She had Liara, and that was all that mattered. The Reapers were gone and the galaxy was safe. Now they could focus on what came after the war. And Shepard would never have to make a promise to the woman she loved and not know if she could keep it.

Never again.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Greetings, my dear readers! Hopefully, you've all found it in your hearts to forgive me for the evil cliffhanger I gave you last chapter. I never forgot my promise to provide the ending that Shepard deserved, but I couldn't resist a little drama along the way. Speaking of this chapter, I obviously went indoctrination theory all the way. While I never gave Bioware enough credit to think that it was what they intended all along, I did think that the theory was rather genius. It fit thematically and provided the best outlet for interpreting the mess that was the ME3 ending. In many ways, I found the idea of Shepard being indoctrinated captivating, and my imagination simply ran from there. In fact, the majority of this chapter is the way it is because I thought it was poetic. I like the parallelism of ending Shepard's adventure the way it started, except she is playing the role of Saren this time around. I also like the poetic justice of having the first enslaved civilization help the ones that finally defeat the Reapers. This is certainly an ending that has my poetic sensibilities at the forefront. And now here we are, at the end of a very long road.**

**Before I write my closing remarks, I'd like to take a moment to thank Zachara for all of her help with this chapter. She provided excellent advice, and also provided enlightening information on survivors guilt, which became extremely important in this chapter. She also tolerated my ramblings and grumblings with the patience of a saint. This ending could never have been as fleshed out as it is without her help.**

**More generally, I'd also like to thank each and every one of you for reading, especially those who were kind enough to comment. At the end of the day, I write these stories because I love to, but being able share it with others pushes me to work harder. I've had the pleasure to chat with some of you via PM, but even if we've never talked I still cherish your input. It always makes me happy to see how many people have come to love these characters.**

**Part of me is immensely relieved to finally complete this story. It has been a lot of work and time, and one gets sick of staring at the same stuff for too long. And of course, another part of me is sad, though perhaps more because of how ME3 left things. If you had asked me a year ago how I felt about Mass Effect, I would have pledged my undying love of the games and Bioware for creating them. These games are the only thing I have ever considered writing fanfiction for because they captured my imagination in a way nothing else has. Now, although I will always love Shepard and the things that made Mass Effect great, my feelings are mixed with betrayal and grief. As melodramatic as it may sound, ME3 was like a nasty breakup. I was completely and utterly in love with Mass Effect, only to have Bioware firmly push me away and say that they didn't care about me anymore. And more importantly, they didn't care about Shepard anymore. I can keep my fond memories, but I can never trust Bioware again and I can't fall back in love with the games like I used to.**

**I am telling you this in order to say that my feelings towards starting anything new are ambivalent at best. I plan to continue "After" and see it to some sort of conclusion, but I am uncertain about doing anything else. There are still small scenes in my head that never found their way into the larger story, but I cannot yet say whether they make a coherent story of any kind or whether I would even have the passion to flesh them out. I can only write what I love, and right now I have conflicting emotions when it comes to Mass Effect. Time will tell, I suppose, but for now "After" is still in progress, so I will at least have a lingering presence until that is complete.**

**Thank you all again for your patience and for keeping up with this story. I wish you all the best and hope you enjoyed this chapter.**

**~N.Q. Wilder**


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